‘I wouldn’t know what to say.’
‘How about you start with “Hello and I’m sorry”?’
Olivia reluctantly reached for her phone and opened her emails. The minuscule spark of hope that his message would be waiting for her was put out instantly.
You can do this. You know you want to do this …
‘I can’t do this,’ she announced, her anxiety spiking so high she felt sick. ‘Not now anyway. I think I need to go to bed and sleep before I try to write anything. Do you mind?’
‘Of course I don’t mind.’ Kate stood and gathered her belongings. ‘But let’s talk tomorrow – there’s a lot we need to catch up on.’
Olivia saw the angst on her friend’s face. Punishing her and prolonging the awkward conversation was unfair. At the end of the day, Kate was the closest thing to a sister she had left.
‘Are you happy?’ she asked. ‘With Kyle, I mean.’
Kate’s face dropped, her expression horrified. ‘Oh my god, was it that obvious?’
‘I’m jetlagged, heartbroken and in a McDonald’s coma, and I still noticed. So yeah, I’d say pretty obvious.’
‘Fuck. I am so sorry. I wanted to tell you as soon as I saw you, but then you were upset, and we didn’t know what todo.’ She clawed at her mane of hair. ‘I’m such a bad friend, aren’t I?’
‘No, you’re not. In fact, you’re the very best. And all I want is for you to be happy. Are you happy?’
A bashful smile crept up on her face, the same smile that Olivia had probably worn a hundred times when she was with Jacob.
‘Yeah, in a weird and unexpected and totally out of the blue way, I am. And nothing has even happened yet – I mean, we’ve just been talking loads, that’s all. I said I had to speak to you before we even went on a date. I promise.’
The fierce and undying loyalty of her friend mended a tiny piece of Olivia’s broken heart instantly. ‘Thank you, I appreciate that.’
‘So you’re not mad?’
‘I’m not mad.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Yes, I’m sure.’
‘Thank God.’ Kate exhaled, as though at last she could finally breathe. ‘Like I said, we can talk about it properly another time. For now, just focus on sleeping and feeling a bit more human.’ She kissed the top of Olivia’s head. ‘I love you, and whatever happens, you will be OK.’
‘I know, and I love you too.’
The moment the door closed and Olivia was alone, she shut her eyes and let the full force of her feelings hit her.
You will be OK. We’re always OK.
She looked down at her phone once more, before shoving it under the cushion and heading straight to bed.
Jacob
From:[email protected]
Subject:Hi
I’ve written and rewritten this email so many times that I’m not even sure what makes sense any more. I just want to say that I’m sorry about the other night. I hate how we left things and that we never got to say goodbye properly. I hope you’reOK.
Yours, incredibly apologetically, Olivia x
He rolled the dice in his hands. How much heavier they felt now. How much weaker he had become.
