‘Kind of. It will be nice to see everyone and get into aroutine again, but I reckon it’s going to feel strange for a while.’ She dropped her gaze to the floor. ‘Stranger than I thought, anyway.’
‘That’s because you’re used to the beach and yoga life now. In a few days, though, this will all feel like a distant memory.’
And so will I.
The thought brought with it a deep sadness, but also an element of relief. Who had he been kidding the past couple of days? This wasn’t his life. It was never supposed to be his life.
‘I don’t think so.’ She rested her head on his shoulder. ‘How could I ever forget this?’
‘It was a pretty good dinner, if I say so myself.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘I suppose they do have yoga back in London.’
‘Jacob…’
‘I know.’ His voice was small, his body contracting. If he folded in on himself enough, would he be able to disappear, to avoid dealing with the question he knew was coming? He could feel it waiting to jump from her lips: the question that would ruin everything.
‘Why don’t you come back with me?’
The words were out; the bomb had been dropped.
‘I mean, I’m not going to say no to a sleepover.’ He laughed loudly. Falsely. ‘But I thought you had to be up early tomorrow?’
‘Nottonight, Jacob.’ Her deep blue eyes locked on to his. ‘I mean to London. Come back to London with me.’
Silence. Deadly, crushing silence that seemed to suck the very air from his lungs. This was his fault. This was all his fault.
‘I can’t.’ He spoke at last. ‘You know I can’t do that.’
Her face crumbled. ‘Why not?’
Jacob dropped his head to his hands and clawed his fingers against his skull. He didn’t know what was worse: the disappointment in her words, or the devastation that was raging like a wild beast inside him.
‘I mean, it doesn’t have to be for long,’ she continued. ‘You could come and stay for a few days, catch up with people from home, and then go back on your adventures again?’
The hope in her voice was unbearable. It reminded him of how foolish he’d been. How he too had allowed himself to be caught up in the dangerous clutches of dreaming. The fantasy he had been playing out in his mind, the fairy-tale ending that felt so close and so very real, was crumbling down around him. He had to face the consequences; there was no other choice.
‘Jacob? Say something, please.’
End it.
End it now.
His thoughts pulled him back to earth so fast he felt whiplashed.
‘Because that’s not what Idoany more, Olivia.’ His voice was firm and strong. ‘I don’t go back. Not for anything.’ He paused, waiting just a moment longer before delivering the final blow. ‘And not for anyone.’
The finality of his words punctured both of their hearts.
‘I see.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘I really am.’
How had he created such a mess? This was supposed to be a nice evening. Afunevening.
‘Oh God no, I’m the one that should be sorry,’ she spat,her voice sharp and venomous. ‘I was the one who forgot that you’re going to play pretend for the rest of your life, avoiding everything andeveryonewho takes you back to reality.’
