‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’
Fin turned his head at the sound of her.
‘Eleanor?’ he whispered, blinking furiously to make sure he wasn’t still dreaming. But there was no doubt about it: she was there, standing at the end of his bed, her voice flat and emotionless.
‘I did it for my art class project.’ She pointed at the picture. ‘We were given the theme “forget me not”. I thought I would paint my dad, but then … everything happened with your mum and I thought it would be a nice thing to do for you,’ she continued, her expression still completely unreadable. ‘Something for you to remember Eileen by.’ She wasn’t even looking at him now, her gaze fixed on the painting.
‘Thank you.’ He reached for the canvas but it was too far away. His hand fell limply by his side. ‘It’s amazing.’
She gave a tiny, silent nod in response.
‘I bet you didn’t think I’d go to these lengths to get you to talk to me again, did you?’ he tried to joke. ‘Always one for extremes, me.’
‘You don’t get to do that.’
‘Do what?’ He winced in pain as he tried to pull himself upright. Eleanor remained standing, her expression fixed and unimpressed.
‘You don’t get to joke about this, Fin.’ She lifted her eyes to meet his at last. ‘You don’t get to laugh this away or pretend it never happened. This happened, Fin, and you have to deal with the consequences.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to s—’ But once again she cut him off.
‘Didn’t mean to what? Come back into my life after disappearing for years? Didn’t mean to reel me back in and be my friend again? Didn’t mean to get steaming drunk and get hit by a car and nearly die?’
‘I wasn’t drunk when I had the accident.’ He locked his eyes on to hers and prayed she could feel the importance of his words.
‘So what were you doing wandering the streets at half two in the morning then?’ Eleanor asked accusingly.
‘I couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk,’ he replied earnestly.
Eleanor folded her arms across her chest but stayed silent.
‘After our argument I pretty much passed out. I woke up the next day feeling worse than death. I realized …’ The words stung as they formed. ‘I realized what a total mess I’d been. The next day I found a local AA meeting. I went along the night of the accident. Those things are pretty intense, you know? They bring up a lot of stuff, even after all this time.’ Fin could feel the familiar discomfort making its home in his chest. ‘I had so many things on my mind and I’d written you that letter and I was supposed to be flying back the next day, so I just thought … Fuck it, I’ll go and post it now. Walk around for a bit, get some fresh air.’ He knew the story sounded like a pathetic stream of lies, but he hoped Eleanor would believe him. ‘I wasn’t looking where I was going and then …’ He shrugged, knowing she could fill in the gaps. ‘I didn’t mean for things to end up this way,’ he continued, not caring that his voice was loud enough for the other patients to hear.
‘Right. Well, they did.’
‘I know, and all I can say is I’m sorry. If I could take it all back, I would.’
Eleanor shifted awkwardly. ‘Even the letter?’
Fin dropped his gaze to the floor, his face burning with the memory of those words he’d written.
‘No. Of course not.’
‘Are you sure?’ Her voice had softened a little but he didn’t dare look at her.
‘Yes. That part I did mean. Idomean.’
‘And what … You were going to casually post me theletter containing your confession in it whilst you hopped on a plane back to America? Disappear off again without a backward glance to your life in LA? You don’t get to do that, Fin. Not any more. You don’t get to run away.’ Her voice cracked and Fin lifted his eyes to hers. They were watering and her cheeks were flaming.
‘I know that. And I know that I’ve been a complete and utter idiot, and I’ve said I’m sorry.’ He wished he could do more than lie pathetically and helplessly in his bed. ‘I made peace with my mum before she died. I know I’m never going to make peace with my dad, and for the first time in my life I feel OK about that. But I can’t leave here not having made things right with you, Eleanor. Not again. So can we please forget about it and go back to how it was before the funeral? Before I screwed everything up yet again?’
She stared at him hard, her eyes blazing. ‘No. I’m sorry, but we can’t do that.’
Fin’s heart groaned under the weight of her words. ‘Why?’ he whispered, tears falling thick and fast down his cheeks.
‘Because.’ She took a couple of steps closer to him. ‘The way we used to be didn’t work. The way we used to be was a lie. We made all these stupid promises that we never kept. We pretended to be something we weren’t. Can’t you see, that doesn’t work.’ The anger had almost faded completely, but he found the sadness that had replaced it even more difficult to listen to.
‘So that’s it then?’ He wished she’d never come back. Seeing her, saying goodbye like this, was too hurtful and too heavy. His broken body couldn’t take it.
