Eleanor looked around nervously, checking for any prying eyes or disapproving witnesses. But it was only her and the letter and her conscience. Slowly she opened the envelope and pulled out an A4 piece of paper, littered with the familiar untidy scrawl of her friend’s handwriting. She tried to bring the words into focus as her mind began to spin.
Dear Eleanor,
By the time you read this letter, I’ll probably be back in LA. I wish I had the courage to say all of this to your face,but we both know my ability to have difficultconversations is lacking and so I’m hoping this letter will make do instead.
Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am. Not only for the stupid, stupid things I said in our argument the other night, but for the lifetime of promises I made to you and broke. The times when I wasn’t there for you as a friend. For running away from my problems but leaving you to deal with yours by yourself. I let you down as a friend in more ways than I care to imagine, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you decide never to speak to me again. Butthere’s something I need to tell you before you make that choice …
These past few months have been some of the hardest I can remember. I was so afraid to come back and visit the past, but despite all the heartache and pain, there has been one thing that has made everything feel better. And that’s you, Eleanor. Having you back in my life has been more than I could have dreamed of. I have never met anyone like you and I don’t think I ever will. Seeing you again, being around you again, has made me realize just how much I lost when I left all those years ago. You were the other half of me back then and that piece has been missing ever since.
Before my mother died, she gave me a bunch of letters she’d written to me but had never sent. Letters for my birthday, letters she wrote at Christmas, letters when she was bored or missing me or lonely. All the things she wanted to say but never could, because she didn’t know how, or maybe she was too afraid to.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long and I’m sorry I’m too much of a coward to say this to your face, but Eleanor, I love you. Not just as a sister or a best friend. I love you like I want to be the one holding your hand, waking up next to you, kissing you and then cleaning the sick off you when you vomit on me after. I love you, Elles, and even though I am only saying it now, I think deep down I always have done. I know we’ve made a lot of promises over the years and none of them we’ve ever kept, but I can promise you this. Until the day I die, I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you only the best, because you deserve it. You deserve it all.
Yours always,
Fin
Eleanor held the letter in her hand. She couldn’t think. She could barely breathe. She shoved the paper into her pocket and ran. She ran out of the ward. She ran down the corridor and past reception. She ran straight into the thin nurse called Helen, practically knocking her off her feet.
‘Woah there, Eleanor, what’s going on?’
‘I’m sorry.’ She shook her head, tears soaking her cheeks. ‘I have to go. I have to leave right now.’
‘But Fin will be back soon. He’s on his way now. He’s fine, everything with the surgery went well.’ The nurse tried to soothe her, but it was no use. She didn’t understand. She’d never understand. Eleanor felt the walls of the reception closing in on her, her lungs shrinking, her breath so small it was barely a sip of air.
‘I can’t,’ she sobbed. ‘Tell him I’m sorry. Please …’ She pushed past the nurse and hurtled down the corridor. ‘Please tell him I’m sorry,’ she called back.
Fin
Fin began to stir. His brain cautiously woke to a confusing blend of sounds and smells. For one glorious moment he forgot entirely where he was. It wasn’t until he opened his eyes fully that the reality came crashing down around him.
‘Ah, Fin, there you are.’ A red-haired nurse, whose face he vaguely remembered, was by his side. ‘How are you feeling?’
He gave himself a minute to assess, his mind still operating at half-speed.
‘Tired,’ he mumbled.
‘That will be the anaesthetic.’ She smiled. ‘Are you in any pain?’
Fin closed his eyes. His entire body seemed to be in some level of pain, not searing or sharp or coming from anywhere in particular but a low, deep thrum of hurt radiating throughout.
‘Kind of,’ he replied quietly.
‘OK.’ She patted his arm lightly. ‘I’ll give you another dose of morphine in a bit and see how you feel after that.The surgery was a success, and …’ Her small almond eyes sparkled. ‘You had a visitor.’
Fin’s brain jolted into action.
‘What?’ He tried to sit up but his body was a dead weight.
‘Yes, your friend Eleanor came.’
His heart was pounding. Where was she? If she had come to see him why wasn’t she here?
‘Where is she?’ he croaked, his eyes looking around his tiny curtained bay for any traces of her.
‘Erm, she left in a bit of a rush actually.’ The nurse’s face creased in confusion. ‘I think there was some sort of emergency. But not to worry.’ Her expression smoothed itself back into a warm smile. ‘I’m sure she’ll be back soon.’
An emergency?
