‘Stop, you don’t know what you’re saying.’ She was pacing back and forth, her face etched with fear.
‘Yes, I do.’ He wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to feel as much of the pain that was coursing through his veins as possible. ‘Do you know why I left?’ He stood, his face so close to hers he could see every streak of gold and orange in her eyes. ‘I left because it was too fucking humiliating to be around you any more. Do you think I didn’t see the way you looked at me? I hated it, Elles. The pity. The worry. The constantfear.’ He ran his hand through his hair. ‘I didn’t want to be that to you. I was embarrassed. I went so I could sort myself out and come back as the Fin you knew before.’
‘I wasn’t embarrassed. I just wanted to help,’ she whimpered.
‘And then lo and behold, I came back and found out that as soon as I left, you disappeared off to uni and found Oliver. Safe, dependable Oliver. At last, someone who didn’t need picking up off the floor and caring for.’ The toxicity was spewing out of him and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop even if he tried. ‘He made itveryclear that you were better off without me.’
Eleanor stopped and stood still in front of him. The fear on her face had been replaced by confusion. ‘What do you mean, he made it clear?’
Keep it together.
He took another swig of gin and let the cool liquid steady him. ‘Nothing. I didn’t mean anything. I’m drunk, Eleanor … remember? I always say stupid shit when I’m drunk.’
‘No.’ She inched closer. ‘You said when you came back … tell me what you meant. When did you speak to Oliver? When did you come back?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ Fin tried to step away, but his balance was off and he could feel his legs shaking unsteadily beneath him.
Don’t do this. You promised yourself you wouldn’t do this.
‘It doesn’t matter because he was right, wasn’t he? I was a fucking waste of space and you were better off without me.’
‘When did you speak to Oliver?’ She was nothing but pure, wild fury, and Fin practically felt her words slap him across the face. ‘When did you come back?’
‘I didn’t,’ he mumbled, edging away from her.
‘Tell me,’ she demanded.
‘No.’ He shook his head, praying for this to be over. Why had he opened his stupid mouth? Why had he done this to himself?
‘Tell me,’ Eleanor screamed, her hands on his shoulders, shaking him hard.
‘I came back!’ he cried. ‘I came back for your dad’s funeral.’
‘No.’ She dropped her hands as though his confession had burnt her. ‘No, you didn’t.’
‘I did.’ He sighed. ‘I came back but I was told to leave.’
‘You’re lying,’ she roared.
‘I’m not. I wish I was, Eleanor. But I’m not. I came back for you. Of course I came back for you.’
Then: Aged 20
Fin
Mumbai airport was noisy and crowded. Fin tried not to push too hard as he made his way through the hordes of people queuing in complete chaos. That was what he loved about India. The seemingly unorganized mayhem that always ended up taking you exactly where you needed to go. It was manic and magical and everyone seemed to understand the system. There was a logic buried underneath it all that Fin was yet to master. Right now, however, he would have killed for some of that quiet, English matter-of-fact order. His brain was overheating and his thoughts were as hard to catch hold of as the air in his lungs. He checked the time.
‘Shit,’ he cursed. ‘Come on, comeon. Where are you?’ He scanned the boards, looking for his flight number. ‘Yes! London Heathrow … delayed.’
His heart sank.
‘No. No. For fuck’s sake,no,’ he cried, his hands pulling at his overgrown hair. He looked around and saw his airline check-in desk; the queue was so long it was merging withfive others. ‘Please, don’t do this to me,’ he groaned. ‘Not today.’
Fin hauled his bag over his shoulder and ran to join the end of the line. Every minute that passed he felt his skin get hotter, his chest grow tighter and his heart pound louder. It took every ounce of restraint he had not to scream and throw the people in front of him out of the way, clear the path to the front desk and demand they get him on the next flight out of here. As long as he was moving, he would feel better. Being standstill and stuck across the other side of the world was unbearable, especially when he knew what his friend was going through.
Don’t think about her. It won’t help anything.
Fin clenched his fists and willed Eleanor’s face out of his mind. He needed to focus on what was happening right now. He had to find some semblance of control amidst the madness. Just as he felt like he had steadied himself, an announcement reverberated through the check-in hall. It was tinny and muffled and hard to hear over the swell of the restless crowds, but he found the words he needed.
