I’m sorry for any inconvenience this letter causes, and I pray you understand why I have chosen to do this in this way. I am very sick. In fact, by the time you read this, I will most likely be dead. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with dementia and then a couple of years after that terminal cancer. I hope you’ll forgive me for dumping this on you now, and understand that after all I put you through, I didn’t want you to have the burden of looking after me. I don’t expect that or want that from you. I let you down as a mother in so many ways when you were growing up, I don’t deserve a moment of your time or care.
Although it’s been years since we have spoken properly, I need you to know that not a day goes by when I don’t think of you, my darling beautiful boy. The son Iwas so lucky to have. I am sorry for all the time we missed out on, the birthdays and Christmases that we spent estranged. It is my biggest regret that I didn’t keep calling you. That I didn’t try harder to be in your life, no matter if you wanted me or not. I should have been there regardless. But in my own way I was … here are letters that I wrote for you. On days when I wanted to talk to you so badly I thought my heart would burst from my chest, I wrote to you. I know I never said it enough when you were younger, but before I go, I need you to know how deeply proud I am of you. And that I will love you in this lifetime and the next. Everything I have is yours and you are free to do with it as you wish. I trust your judgement. I only hope you can find it in your heart to one day forgive me for the lack of mine.
Yours,
Mum x
The words on the page were practically swimming in his tears by the time he finished it.
‘Mum,’ he breathed, unable to pull his gaze away from her words.
‘I’m sorry,’ she sobbed. ‘I am so,sosorry.’
Fin lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. He could feel her pulse throbbing beneath her skin. Her heart doing its best to keep going, fighting the battle it was soon to lose. ‘I love you,’ he cried.
‘I love you too.’ She patted his sodden cheek. ‘Even though you’re always late.’
Fin choked out a laugh. ‘Yeah … sorry about that.’
She smiled, her milky eyes glistening at him. ‘My darling boy. I have to go now.’
‘No!’ he cried, gripping her hand so tightly that he could feel the bones shift under his grasp. ‘Please, Mum. Don’t leave me.’
‘I’ve never left you.’ She closed her eyes and took one last deep breath. ‘I never will.’
Eleanor
Do I text again?
How many times is too many times?
Eleanor forced her concentration back to the freezing community hall and the drawing in front of her. It hadn’t changed much from last week; maybe a few extra pencil sketches here and there, but the primary feature of her artwork so far was blank space. Ever since she’d hung up the phone to Fin on Sunday night, she hadn’t been able to shake him from her mind. It was making concentrating extremely difficult.
‘Having trouble, kid?’ Reggie asked, pausing his own painting to look over at her.
‘Hmmmm,’ Eleanor murmured, analysing the rough outline of her father’s face. ‘I was never good at portraits,’ she confessed.
‘Why paint one then?’
‘Because I wanted to paint my dad,’ she replied, deep in thought.
‘Wanted?’
‘What?’
‘You saidwantedto paint your dad,’ Reggie repeated. ‘Do you still want to?’
Eleanor thought for a moment. ‘You know what, I don’t think so.’ The tiny seed of an idea planted itself into her consciousness. ‘I think …’ She took one last look at the pencil strokes in front of her. ‘I think I need to start again.’ She grabbed her eraser and began furiously rubbing her canvas clean.
Reggie laughed. ‘Inspiration has struck! Oh, to be young and able to wipe the slate clean,’ he mused wistfully.
Eleanor dusted the shavings of rubber from her top and looked at her neighbour suspiciously. ‘Since when were you so whimsical?’
‘Since I became a ninety-year-old man and therefore could do whatever I liked.’ He grinned at her.
‘Fair enough.’ She adjusted herself in her seat, admiring her blank canvas. ‘But I disagree.’
‘There’s a surprise,’ he remarked sarcastically.
