‘Alfie?’ Her voice was soft and almost dream-like. Alfie couldn’t quite trust that he’d heard it for a moment, until she spoke again. ‘Alfie, are you awake?’
‘Uh-huh. What’s going on, is everything OK?’ He was still a little surprised at her making the first move.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
OK, now he was really confused. ‘What?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving so soon?’
‘Oh. I only found out a couple of days ago. Then we weren’t talking, and then we were, and then we weren’t again. I just … there just wasn’t a right time.’
A part of him was flattered by her sadness. Another was confused. She was the one who was angry with him. Why would she care if he stayed or went?
‘I know, but still, that’s big news.’
He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. There was so much he wanted to say, but at the same time the fear of being vulnerable with her again was clamping down on his words. He knew he had to be honest with her. He knew that if hepushed her away now, the chances of getting her back were slim to none. She’d opened the door and there was no way he could slam it back in her face.
Taking a deep breath, he dived in. ‘I’m sorry I upset you the other day. It’s just, I have lost so many people in my life in such a short space of time, and I guess I’m petrified of losing another one. You nearly died once, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact you want to risk it all over again when you don’t need to. But that’s me. That’s my opinion and I shouldn’t have put that on you. I’m sorry.’ He took another breath. ‘I really am sorry.’
Clenching his hands tighter, he fought back the impulse to cry.
He heard her breathing deepen, quicken, then slow again.
‘Alfie—’ Her voice cracked with emotion. ‘I’m absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen. I know you don’t think I need an operation to accept myself, and I wish I could buy into that too, but you don’t see the way people look at me. Even the nurses – when they try not to stare, they can’t help it. I see it. Every day.’ She paused for air. ‘I need to do this to help myself. I don’t ask that you agree. I don’t ask that you wheel me into theatre singing praises about my decision. All I ask is that you support me. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted you by my side, in my corner. And when you weren’t, I guess I panicked and lashed out.’
Alfie took a few moments to let her words sink in.
She wanted me to be there for her.
‘Will you do me a favour? Just for one second, would you try something for me?’ he ventured.
‘It depends … your plans always worry me!’
‘All I want you to do is close your eyes.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Hmmm. OK. Fine. They’re closed.’ She sounded suspicious but there was definitely a hint of curiosity there. ‘You do know that I could be lying, right? You’ll never know for sure if I’m doing what you say.’
‘I know, but I’m hoping I can trust you.’ He wasn’t in the mood to mess around tonight.
‘OK, so what next?’
‘I want you to imagine a place in the world you’ve always wanted to go to. It could be a country, a city, a building, anywhere: just make sure it’s somewhere you haven’t been to yet.’
He waited a moment.
‘Can you see it?’
‘Yes, I can see it.’
‘Now I want you to imagine you’re there. That you’re standing in that place right this second.’
‘OK …’
‘How does it feel?’
