Message from SarahBFF7 July 15.42
Seriously? Don’t make me go all Nurse Bellingham on you.MESSAGEMEBACK. I love you. Although less and less by the minute if you carry on ignoring me. Xxx
Alice typed out a reply as quickly as her injuries would allow, hoping it explained just enough to excuse her lack of response but was still bright and breezy to avoid worrying Sarah.
Message to SarahBFF10 July 01.50
Hey Sarah. Sorry!! Life on the ward has just been so busy the last few days, time has escaped me. But really, I am sorry. I know I said I’d be better at keeping in touch. Mr Peterson passed away the other day and I’ve got my operation scheduled for next week. Will keep you posted on how it goes. Miss you and love you xx
Seeing it written like that in black and white seemed to shift something inside her. She was going to put herself through a horrifically complex operation. She was completely alone. Again.
Shut it down and get on with it.
*
For the first time in months, Alice was rudely awoken by the sound of buzzing near her ear. Had she really lived her life at the beck and call of this stupid phone?
Message from SarahBFF11 July 09.15
Jesus, that’s a hell of a lot going on! Is AlfieOKabout Mr P? Send him my love, he must be really struggling. Can you please,PLEASEget someone to let me know how the operation goes? I love you but don’t trust you to let me know! All is fine here except I have an Alice-shaped hole in my heart. Love you x
She re-read the words over and over.
He must be really struggling.
Had she been too hard on him?
She couldn’t shake off the feeling that being angry with him didn’t feel quite so good any more.
With no Alfie to talk to and the wind taken slightly out of her sails about the operation, Alice was struggling to find ways to pass the time between physio sessions. She’d walk around her cubicle, diligently following the doctor’s instructions and Darren’s exercise plans until her bones ached and her skin felt raw. Then she’d be left with pretending to read, pretending to watch TV or pretending to sleep. It was a truly mind-numbingly boring existence. Not that her life before the accident had been full of social events and activities, but never had Alice spent so much time doing nothing. Work had filled her days. Work was her excuse for not hanging out with friends or making plans. She used to moan about her triple-booked diary, her relentless meeting schedules and demanding to-do list, but what she wouldn’t give to have it all back now. The feeling of walking into a boardroom with such confidence, such certainty of yourself that nothing anyone could say would affect you. The adrenaline of a deadline and the sweet exhaustion that came from successfully meeting it. Now, without work, all she had left was to lose herself in other people’s dramatic storylines on terrible daytime TV shows. At least none of them would get on her case about her shitty life.
Thankfully, she must have fallen asleep at some point during the afternoon, because next thing she knew, she was woken by the voices of Alfie and his parents, overcome with joy that their son was going home.
Alice felt torn. Never in her life had she felt so many conflicting things at once. Actually, never in her life had she felt so many things full stop.
She hated him for the other night. She hated him for makingher let someone in again after all these years. She was mad at him for leaving her.
Without thinking, she reached back for her phone, and in a rare moment of desperation she messaged Sarah again.
Message to SarahBFF11 July 15.15
Alfie and I aren’t actually talking at the moment, and I just found out he’s leaving soon. I don’t know what to do. I wasSOangry at him but now I’m just scared. I know there’s nothing you can do, and I don’t really know why I’m telling you this when you’re so far away. I love you and miss you xxx
Message from SarahBFF11 July 15.25
Alice, what happened? Actually, regardless of what happened – I’m not saying he’s perfect or he hasn’t done anything wrong, but some things are more important when you look at the bigger picture – don’t let your stubbornness get in the way of this. He loves you. You know he does. So do I. xxx
Her tears were making it difficult to read the screen.
But what was she meant to do? She took a deep breath and tensed every muscle in her body, holding everything so tightly until she was shaking from the pain. Her jaws were clenched shut; teeth on teeth, bone on bone. It was taking all of her energy not to scream the rage out of her. Instead she squeezed her body tighter, screwed her face up and dug her nails deeper into the palms of her hands. A voice inside her head was howling, ripping the silence apart.
I don’t want to FEEL THIS ANY MORE.
All at once her body went limp. The exhaustion hit and she could no longer hold on to the fire. It was burning her from the inside out.
54
Alfie
