– Have to go through recovery all over again
– More time in hospital
But more time in hospital could also mean more time with Alfie.
But who was he? This man behind the curtain. The complete stranger who had now become such an integral part of her every day. There was so much she wanted to know and so much she realized she was afraid to find out.
‘Alfie? Are you awake?’
‘Yeah, are you?’
She laughed. ‘Surprisingly, yes.’
‘Good. Everything OK?’
‘Yeah …’
She took a deep breath in. Her mind was spinning withthoughts and it was becoming harder and harder to focus on a single thread.
‘It’s just … I mean … I don’t know …’
He remained faithfully silent.
‘I guess I was wondering … how does it feel to be in love?’
‘Wow. I won’t lie to you, I wasn’t expecting that …’
‘Sorry.’ She was mumbling, trying to gather the words back into her mouth. ‘I just thought, because of your ex-girlfriend, that maybe—’
‘It’s fine. It was just a bit out of the blue.’
God, she wished she’d never asked. The silence seemed to stretch out for hours.
‘Do you want the honest answer?’
‘Yes.’
Do you really, Alice?
‘I don’t know. I thought I was in love with Lucy. She made me laugh, I made her laugh. I fancied her so much. Sometimes it hurt to look at her because I wanted her that badly. We’d been together three years and so I thought she must be the one. The one I was going to marry, have kids with, grow old with. But now, when I really think about it, it feels like there was something missing. I think I got so caught up in the idea that someone wanted me back that I let it override my true feelings. It was as though I felt like Ishouldhave been in love with her because on the surface everything was so perfect.’
‘It sounds perfect to me.’ She closed her eyes and let the feeling of longing drench her in sadness.
‘It was, but like I said, it was only surface level. I loved her, but I wasn’tinlove with her. There wasn’t any deeper connection. I mean, look at us now. I lost my leg and she leftme. She didn’t even want to try. And looking back, neither did I. I could have fought for her but I didn’t. I didn’t wake up every morning needing to know if she was OK, how she was feeling or if I could do anything to help. I didn’t waste hours upon hours just thinking about her, or ways I could make her world brighter, or things I could do just to hear her laugh one more time. Hearing her name didn’t make the hairs on my entire body stand up on end. Something was missing. There was nothing that bound us together. Do you know what I mean?’
‘No, Alfie, that’s the whole point. And I’m scared I never will.’ She shook her head. How stupid had she been for even bringing this up?
Never finding love–now, where would that go on your pros and cons list, hey?
‘Sorry for asking a question like that. I didn’t mean to start such a deep conversation in the middle of the night.’
‘Well, they were a key item on our schedule, so I’m glad you’re taking it seriously!’
She forced a laugh that seemed to disappear as quickly as it came.
‘I guess I’m just starting to realize how lonely I’ve been my whole life. Before I didn’t care so much, but now I think I really do.’
‘You have Sarah.’
