‘How’s it all been? Please tell me you’ve left the flat at least once?’
Fuck.
‘Erm.’ Alice smiled coyly.
‘Alice Gunnersley!’
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ As hard as she tried, she couldn’t stop looking at the little image of herself in the top right-hand corner of the screen. In miniature form she didn’t look so bad, especially if she held the phone as far away from her face as possible.
‘So come on then, show me the new and improved you. I can barely see anything in that light.’ Sarah’s face was beaming with excitement.
‘The thing is …’ Her words felt like glue in her mouth.
‘Stop making excuses and show me! I know what you’re like, Alice, you’re just being hard on yourself.’
Tell her.
Just say it now.
‘It didn’t work!’ She practically screamed the words out.
‘What?’ Sarah’s face twisted in confusion. ‘What didn’t work?’
Alice could barely see the screen through her tears. ‘The operation. They had to abandon it. It didn’t work, Sarah. I have practically the same mess of a face you left me with. The scarring has gone down a little and it’s less red in places, but … I’m still a freak.’
‘Don’t youdare, Alice.’ Sarah was angry now; Alice didn’teven need to see her to know that. ‘You are not a freak. Do you hear me? You are more than your looks – you always have been and you always will be.’
‘That’s easy for you to say.’
And with that Alice hung up.
Barely two seconds passed before the screen flashed brightly.
Sarah Mansfield would like FaceTime Audio
It took every piece of energy she had to answer.
‘Come on, Al. You don’t even need to look at me – just please talk to me.’
‘I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like everything is the same but I don’t quite fit properly, if that makes sense? Part of me wants to be back at work and distracted, and then another part is terrified of showing my face outside. I feel trapped. I had these stupid fantasies that this operation would fix me. That I’d return to normal in some miraculous fucking transformation. But no. Instead I’m stuck like this and it breaks my heart.’
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Alice could feel the weight lifting ever so slightly from her shoulders.
‘I’m so sorry, Alice. I really,reallyam.’ Sarah’s voice cracked. ‘But I’m guessing that’s all part of the process, right? You’re adjusting. It’s going to take time. But whether you choose to go back to work or not is irrelevant right now. The most important thing is accepting that you can’t hide away in your flat for ever. Even if you just go and stand outside your building for five minutes every day, at least that’s something! You have to take it one step at a time, my love.’
Resistance suddenly rose up inside her. Why couldn’t she stay hidden away all the time?
Something had been jogged in her memory.
Alfie.
What were the words she’d said to him?
You’re saying you’d rather I spend the rest of my life hiding? Hiding away from people, from new places, new experiences. Hiding behind these fucking hideous curtains? I want more, Alfie. I never thought I’d say it but I do.
‘Al, you still there or have you hung up on me again?’
‘No, sorry, I’m still here. I was just thinking about something.’
