She screwed her eyes tightly closed.
‘Alice, you need to understand that you’re still healing. The skin is still very sore but there are definite improvements. Please, let me show you.’
Stop trying to make yourself feel better.
You’ve done nothing.
You lied.
The anger licked her insides, unfurling itself quicker and quicker.
‘Alice.’ The nurse reached for her hand. ‘Trust me, it’s going to be hard and it’s going to feel awful right now, but give him a chance, OK? Let him show you.’
She opened her eyes once more.
This time she could see he was right. There were improvements. If you looked closely enough, you could see the skin was smoother and perhaps a little tighter in places. But it was still obvious she had been hurt badly. It was also obvious that a lot of time and effort had gone into trying to piece her back together. And it was definitely obvious that it hadn’t worked. She was still just a patchwork quilt of skin and scars.
‘The swelling will reduce quite quickly and we will give you some topical cream to continue to help the scarring. I know we weren’t able to do as much as we wanted to, but I’m still happy with the results. Honestly, Alice, give it a few weeks and I think you’ll be surprised.’
She couldn’t even look at him. How dare he try to placate her with marginally fewer scars and a slightly smoother cheek?
Shame began to consume her.
This was it. This was what she was left with. The hope that her self-worth, her self-confidence would return to normal was shattered. She stuffed the letter and unopened package in her bedside table. She couldn’t bear to look at something so hopeful and full of expectation when all she had left was disappointment. How would anyone be able to love someone so broken?
63
Alfie
Alfie had insisted he wanted to spend his first night back in his own flat. His mother had done her very best to persuade him otherwise, but he knew he needed to bite the bullet or risk spending an eternity regressing into a teenager living at his mum’s house.
‘Here we are, son,’ Robert declared as they approached his front door.
‘And you’re sure you don’t want to come back with us? You’re welcome to stay for as long as you like, Alfie. It’s no problem at all.’ His mother was adopting a breezy tone but Alfie could see the desperation in her eyes.
‘Thank you, Mum. It really means a lot, but like I said, I just want to get in and settled as quickly as possible.’ He turned the key in the lock and heard the sweet satisfactory click of the door opening. Alfie had been fortunate once again. His flat was situated on the ground floor of an old Victorian house and so hadn’t required any major alterations to make it suitable for his arrival. It wasn’t much; just yourtypical one-bedroom, barely room to swing a cat, extortionately priced London living space. But it was all his.
He switched on the hall light and took a deep breath in.
Home sweet home.
‘I’ll drop your stuff in the bedroom, put the shopping in the fridge, and then I guess we’ll leave you to it.’ Robert was playing his usual role of peacekeeper and trying his best to be upbeat. Alfie’s heart surged with gratitude to him.
‘We made sure it was all in order before you came – everything’s been cleaned and there are fresh sheets on the bed. It’s always nice to come back to clean sheets, isn’t it?’ His mum’s eyes were starting to glaze over with tears.
‘Come here.’ Alfie pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. He knew she wanted him to stay close to her. The thought of letting him out of her sight again and back into the big wide world must be terrifying. He kissed the top of her head and then held her out in front of him. ‘I’ll be OK. I promise.’ He smiled.
‘I know, I know. I’m just being silly.’ She shook her head and laughed.
‘All good to go then, son,’ Robert announced, striding back into the hallway. ‘Call us if you need anything, OK?’ He patted him firmly on the arm.
‘Will do.’ Alfie felt a rush of sadness well up inside him. ‘And … thanks for everything.’
‘Right you are. Come on, love, let’s go.’ Robert steered his mum out of the door before she could try and resist.
‘Bye,’ Alfie called out, but the door had closed and he was speaking, for the first time in ages, to nobody.
*
