“Not really. I was making sure the children behaved themselves in Mr. Darcy’s presence. You have no idea how much of your time is spent as a mother trying to prevent chaos from taking over. I am quite exhausted with the effort.”
Elizabeth had never heard Mrs. Gardiner speak about her children that way. Generally, she had considered the Gardiner children well behaved, or, at least, as well behaved as any child could be. She could only suppose Mr. Darcy’s presence must have contributed to her exhaustion.
“I will answer your question, Aunt, but you will not like the answer. Itwasa cunning plan, and you did your best, but I am not entirely certain it was worth inviting Mr. Darcy.”
Mrs. Gardiner raised her eyebrows at that.
“I do not mean I wish Mr. Darcy had not come,” she said, hastily. “It is just that I have not learned anything new, beyond knowing he does not dislike me. The problem is, I was not even given the chance to speak to him. Someone else was always claiming my attention. And Mr. Darcy barely said a word to me. I mean, if he came here to sit in silence, and be grave and indifferent, why come at all? I do not understand it.”
“He could have come to keep an eye on his sister, nothing more, nothing less,” suggested her aunt. “Come now. You cannot complain about last night’s dinner, surely. I noticed you and Mr. Millett had a great deal to say to each other.” She elbowed Elizabeth gently in the ribs.
“That is beside the point.”
“Is it?” Mrs. Gardiner sighed. “You know, you could do worse than marry Mr. Millett, Lizzy. I have known him for a long time. He is ambitious and clever. With you by his side, he will accomplish a good many things, I believe. On top of all that, he already has a small fortune left to him by his father. His future is secure.”
Elizabeth struggled to find a sense of direction. It was now painfully obvious that she and Mr. Darcy would not suit. Therewas no point in hoping that something would miraculously change. It was time to let go of the illusion that there could ever be anything between them.
Should she consider Mr. Millett? She liked him. They were friends, and she enjoyed his company. They laughed together. Mr. Millett had even shared some of his dreams for the future. They were able to talk.
It was as good a foundation as any. Happiness in marriage was a matter of chance, after all.
If she married Mr. Millett, she would not have to worry about the gossip. She would live in London and lead a comfortable life. Her heart argued that if she married Mr. Millett, she would never know the joys of true love. Her head ached as she tried to reconcile the two conflicting desires.
“I need to consider it,” said Elizabeth. “If you do not mind, Aunt, I think I will go upstairs to my room. My thoughts are in a muddle, and I need to untangle them.”
“Of course, Lizzy. I think that is for the best. I will tell the servants you do not wish to be disturbed unless you ring for them.”
As soon as she reached her bed chamber, Elizabeth climbed into bed and buried her head under the blanket. A heavy feeling of despair settled over her. It was as if something was pressing down on her, preventing her from moving. She felt hemmedin, unable to breathe. Her mind told her she should marry Mr. Millett. Her heart rebelled.
She was vaguely aware of the sound of someone knocking, but Elizabeth could not bring herself to go to the window to see who it was.
It was only when Mrs. Gardiner knocked at her door that she was able to rouse herself.
“I am sorry, Lizzy, I know you did not wish to be disturbed, but Mr. Millett is here. He has brought you some very pretty flowers. Do you think he intends to ask you to marry him?”
A sense of panic gripped Elizabeth. “No, no! It’s too early. I have not decided yet what I want to do.”
The smile disappeared from her aunt’s face. “Are you certain you wish to send him away?”
Groaning, Elizabeth covered her face with her hands. This was all so confusing. She thought she was willing to marry him, but as the prospect became more real, she could not imagine how she could do it.
Mr. Darcy’s face flashed into her mind. She felt his arms around her as he lifted her out of the water. His kindness to Maggie. His wet curls and broad shoulders. The intensity of his dark eyes. It was certainly true that she regretted turning Mr. Darcy down.
The moment had come when she had to determine her future.
“Please find a way to make excuses, Aunt,” she said, dropping her hands. “Tell him something. Say I am unwell, that I have a headache – anything. I do not care what.” She looked at her aunt desperately. “Just for now. I need more time.”
“If that is how you feel, Lizzy, then of course I will say you are indisposed. But afterwards, you and I will have to talk. I fear you have not been completely honest with me, Lizzy.”
“Very well. But now please make haste. I do not wish to offend Mr. Millett. He is a kind man.”
With Mrs. Gardiner gone, Elizabeth found herself facing many questions. Why was she suddenly in such a panic about the prospect of marrying Mr. Millett? Just a short time ago, she had managed to resign herself to the possibility.
And why, oh why, must the handsome face of Mr. Darcy intrude on her thoughts at such an inopportune moment?
If only Mr. Darcy cared about her one little bit, then she would fly into his arms without a second thought. Sadly, nothing had changed. The evidence of her eyes was irrefutable. Both at the theater, and at dinner, Mr. Darcy had been silent.
He might not hate her, but that was a very far cry from loving her.
