"One day, yes. Not now.”
"But just a few months ago, you would have left the Academy willingly. What has changed? Is it because the Prince Regent has made you his advisor?"
Jane’s question surprised her. "The Prince Regent? Of course not!" Was that really true? "I mean, obviously I am flattered to have the future king's patronage. But it is more than that.Ihave changed. I am learning so many things. My life is so much more than I ever dreamed of."
"But isn't your marriage equally important?"
"Of course it is. But I have responsibilities here. I am doing things no one else can do. They need me, Jane."
She put her arms on the desk and rested her cheek on her arm. From this close, she noticed there was a crack in the desk. She followed the line with her nail until it reached the edge of the desk. It felt as if she was on the edge of a precipice, and that if she did not make the right decision, she would pay for it dearly.
"I wantboth. I was hoping forboth, but now I am being asked to pick one or the other.”
She had not had any choice in marrying Darcy. Her marriage had been decided by the Council. Here was her chance to decide for herself.
She was responsible for so many things. She had an important role to fulfil. Her magic was growing. She was, despite the war, happy in what she was doing. She had a sense of purpose.
Was she so buoyed up by her success that she was willing to sacrifice her love for Darcy in favor of the new position she had? Did she value the admiration of her apprentices and fellow mages more than Darcy’s?
Many women envied her for marrying Darcy. Miss Bingley had impressed that upon her when Elizabeth had first arrived. She was right. Darcy was everything that was good and upright and honorable.
Yet here Elizabeth was, just a bit more than a year later, hesitating.
She left Jane soon after, too restless to go to bed, in desperate need of clearing her mind.
A walk would have helped clear the cobwebs away, but of course it was not a simple thing for her to go outside. No one would stop her, of course, but it defeated the purpose if she had to be on the alert for danger. It was certainly the thing she missed most about being free to live her own life. If she went to Pemberley, she would be able to take long walks on the estate. She would never have to worry about being attacked. It was one more thing to add to the list of many reasons she should be jumping at the opportunity.
Except that it was not quite true. They would still have to live their lives every day looking over their shoulders, worrying that the French mages would find them. And they would be more vulnerable because they would be alone.
The more she thought about it, the more it seemed that Darcy had created an idyllic image in his mind that did not correspond to reality.
She walked around for some time, pondering this issue. Eventually, her feet led her to the practice room where they used to train when she first arrived at Founder’s Hall. She had not been there since they left for Netherfield. It had been taken overby a group of young apprentices, and she had not thought of visiting it.
Immediately, her gaze went to the lectern where theCompendium of Spellshad stood that fateful day when she and Darcy had tried to Bond. The burnt copy of the book had been replaced, but the scorch marks from when she had set the book on fire were still there. She ran her hands along the wood, expecting to see dark streaks of soot on her fingers, but the wood was smooth.
That day, she could never have guessed that she would fall madly in love with her husband. It was unusual for mages to have the luxury of falling in love. She had found something precious. Life had given her a gift. Should she not pursue it?
But how could either of them do it without abdicating their duty? Could the two really find happiness by leaving and allowing others to be injured – or worse? Would she really be happy in Pemberley knowing that others were still fighting the Imperial mages?
Her mind was in a whirl. To try and recover her equilibrium, she did the training exercises that every mage in the Academy did to help them prepare for a magic lesson. But instead of helping her calm her thoughts, it reminded her of the time when she had first watched Darcy perform the same sequence of movements. He had seemed so graceful and agile, so much in his element. It was the first time she had really noticed him as a person.
If Darcy was willing to walk away from this, surely Elizabeth – who had spent far less time at the Academy – could do so too. Yet every time she thought about it, she felt as if someone was gripping her heart and squeezing it.
Considering how some of the mages had treated her at first, it was a wonder she did not take Darcy’s suggestion and run. The fact was, she had found a place for herself here. She likedtraining the young apprentices. She possessed unique skills that the Academy needed. Somehow, she had come to belong.
The next day she woke up in a state of agitation. She was no closer to a decision than when Darcy had first mentioned the possibility. However, when she went to her usual training session with Riquer, she quickly realized she had more pressing demands on her time.
Matlock was there, as well as Lord Walsworth, who was the leading mage of the Prince Regent. She had dealt with Lord Walsworth before, and she liked him, but when she curtseyed and smiled, he did not reciprocate. He was looking particularly forbidding today.
“How long will it take to be ready to depart?” said Matlock. “We will need to plan the whole thing perfectly.”
“Do I have a year?” said Riquer.
From the way the two other mages scowled, it was clear that they did not appreciate Riquer’s levity.
“We can give you a week at the most.” Matlock’s voice carried the weight of an official verdict.
“A week?” Elizabeth’s voice came out as a squeak. A sick, heavy feeling settled into her stomach. “But we have never practiced communicating over long distances. I do not even know how to do it.”
