“Do you want me to come along?” I ask.
“No, you stay. Dance. You look like you’re really enjoying yourself.” She smiles. Ididlose myself in the music there. It dragged me from my thoughts, which I’ve been needing for a while. “Just pay attention to your phone. I’ll text if I have trouble finding you two again.”
Priti disappears into the dancing throng, leaving Rudra and me alone again.
Rudra stares down at me, his breath quickening. It’s such a contrast to how he was in the car, or with the group of boys. My heart jolts with how he looks at me, as if he can see all my thoughts. And I wonder... will anyone else ever make me feel the way he does? Will I ever again be capable of attraction, of romancelike this? Why is it that every time, something gets in the way?
Priti didn’t want me with Rudra because she didn’t believe I could think with my head when it came to romance, but now that thingsare better between us, I could make her see it, couldn’t I? That I’m changing, and deserving of someone like Rudra Desai,ifhe wants more to do with me?
I step closer to him and wrap my arms around his neck. His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat and his eyes widen when I raise myself onto my tiptoes, speaking directly into his ear so my voice can only be heard by him. The music is softer, aiding me.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” I say. “And you’re right. I needed to make up my mind, and—”
Rudra plants his hands on the curve of my waist, pulling away, his eyes pained. I think it might be the gravity of my emotions, but he looks scared. Scared of what I’m about to say, of what I’ve made up my mind about.
“What?” I ask, my stomach in my throat.
“Not here.” He lets his hands fall from my waist, takes my hand, and guides me through the crowd. The throng fills the space we previously occupied, the swarm of people parting ahead of us as we make our way back to our table. The music isn’t as loud out here, and the sea breeze replaces the smoke inside. My body instantly cools, and I take in a deep breath as Rudra sits.
I sit next to him, shifting closer, and turn my body to face him entirely so that my knees brush the side of his thigh. He glances down at the point of contact and then up at me, his pupils dilating.
“And?” he asks, unmoving but not tentative, not like he was on the dance floor a minute ago.
I pick up right where I left off. “And whenever I try to think about anything at all, all I can do is go back to thoughts of you. And thoughts of kissing you.” I pause, hyperaware of our proximity, my heart picking up speed inside my chest. I know I’m going to regretthis later, but the way he’s looking at me right now, like he would crush his mouth against mine if I just let him, makes a fire ignite in my gut. “I want to kiss you, Rudra.”
Rudra says nothing, and I wonder if I’ve dreamt the past few days, whether I’ve confessed to wanting to kiss a boy who has zero interest in me.
The pace at which I second-guess scenarios needs to be studied.
When he finally speaks, I want to burrow a hole through the wood and the sand below. “Anything else?”
Excuse me?
I grit my teeth. “What else do you want me to say?”
Rudra smirks, and the sudden motion pulls my attention to his lips, so full I can’t help but look at them, admire their shape. “I don’t want you to say anything else, Krishna.” He leans closer, and I automatically mimic the motion, until we’re a hairbreadth away from each other.
My eyes are half closed. I’m fully ready to give in. Rudra brings his hand up and knots his fingers in my hair, bunching it up at the nape of my neck. He could pull away or pull me in at this point. “I just want you to kiss me,” he whispers, his warm breath tickling my mouth.
Our lips brush, gently. And then he does it.
He tightens his grip on my hair and draws me toward him, seizing my lips fully. The fire spreads from my stomach to my chest and then it’s in my head, my lips, touching his.
Kissinghis.
At first, my lips barely move because I have no clue what to do. This is my first kiss, ever, and it’s with someone I never imagined I would be kissing until a few days ago. My brain practically erupts at the thought that this is happening, utterly failing to comprehend it.
But Rudra moves his mouth, and his lips are so soft I nearly melt into his arms, and it all starts to feel real. Too real to be true, if that even makes sense. His fingers splay against my neck, and he tilts his head sideways, my lips parting fully underneath his.
His movements aren’t rough but slow and gentle, so it doesn’t feel like he’s being pushy or too demanding. He gives me the space to breathe, to figure out how our lips fit together.
And not for the first time this summer, my conscience is sent packing on a vacation—I start kissing him back. Tugging at his lips the way he does mine, bringing my hands up to his shoulders, his neck, and his cheeks, so I’m clasping his face between my palms. His cheeks and chin are lined with the slightest of stubble, and it scrapes my face as he kisses me, eliciting a sound from the back of my throat that could almost be a moan but is much rougher.
I don’t know who breaks the kiss first, but my body is so hot I think I might be running a fever. I’m incapable of thinking of anything buthim, the stark lines and angles of his face accentuated by the flashing purple and pink lights from inside the bar. He looks so good, I want to kiss him again.
I haven’t had enough. I don’t think I could ever have enough with him.
Rudra gazes back at me with unwavering intensity, and before my embarrassment has the chance to come creeping back, his hands catch my waist. In one quick motion, he whisks me onto his lap.
