I promised Priti I didn’t feel anything for Rudra, that I wouldn’t let anything happen between us. She came out to me, shetrustedme, after so many years, and this is all she’s asking for in return. And she’s not even wrong. Rudra... he’s too good for me. I might be worthy and deserving of love and romance, but I’m not worthy or deserving ofhim.
And no matter how much I want this, I don’t want to treat Rudra like he’s a plan B. I’d rather not let anything happen between us at all.
“Because of Amrit?” he says, and his face is such a hardened mask that any shred of feeling I saw there is gone, evaporated.
It pains every inch of me to say it because I know I’m lying through my teeth, but I say it anyway: “Isn’t that why we’re here?”
Something cracks in his eyes. But he doesn’t respond. He just nods brusquely, stepping away from me, making me instantly miss the closeness of his form.
Regret storms down on me, but what’s done is done. What’s said is said. There’s no going back, and lord knows I can’t just press the reset button on how I am and how I need to be.
Rudra starts to turn, but I can’t help myself from asking, “Did you, though? Did you want to kiss me?”
He scoffs, but I know he’s not mocking me. He’s mocking himself. “Does it matter, Krishna?”
I stand there, pondering the question, knowing it’s not a response, and knowing he doesn’t owe me one but wishing for it all the same. By the time I can think of an answer, though, he’s already walking back down the path, leaving my unsaid words dangling in the air.
22
My Ego Is Literally Going to Get Me Killed One Day (And That Day Might Be Today)
Prabalmachi, Sunday
After I get back to my tent, I’m prepared to lie awake, physically unable to sleep a wink and replaying each millisecond with Rudra over and over in my head until I’m sick to the core.
But when I collapse next to Priti, heart beating a mile a minute, I fall asleep almost instantly.
It doesn’t last long, though.
A couple of hours later, Priti shakes me awake, grumbling about how we need to leave for the second half of the trekrightnow, and how if I don’t wake the fuck up, she’s going to make me smell her sock again.
At the sock threat, I sit up so fast the speed disorients me momentarily. My head is throbbing, as if someone is slowly hammering away at my skull. But this time, I don’t protest at Priti’s utter lack of humanity because the moment I register where I am, what I’mdoing, and why I’m here, it all comes crashing back to me.
Everything.
Rudra, standing achingly close to me, looking up at me, deep-brown eyes illuminated in the light of a hundred fireflies, his hand braced on the slope of my neck, a million tender emotions swimming across his face. I shut my eyes, brows knitting, and every moment with him plays in my head like a movie, captured in high definition.
Everything I feel when I recall those moments with him—it’s all too real and raw. It’s funny how when it was all happening to me, I felt like I was wading through a dream, but now that it’s part of my memory, branded into my brain, it feels realer than ever.
Rudra and I almost kissed last night, and the thought of it makes every square inch of my skull ache. I don’t think I can look at him ever again after what happened. After Irejectedhim.
I wrap my arms around my chest, ducking my head so my temples touch my knees. I think I’m having a migraine. My eyes are burning, and my eyelids are stitched together so tight that trying to open them feels like trying to pry the lid off a can. My whole body is shaking because it’s chilly. I didn’t realize how cold it was until now.
Rudra was so warm yesterdayis the first thought that comes to my mind. He exuded heat, standing so close I would’ve only needed to take a step forward to fall into his arms. Steal some of that warmth.
“Krishna?” Charu says, poking her head in through the tent’s flap.
“If you don’t move your ass this instant, we’re leaving you behind,” Priti says from somewhere outside the tent, her voice dripping with annoyance. I’m a little surprised at the harshness of her tone. Didn’t we reach an equilibrium last night? Why is she speaking to me like that?
I wish I could just shut my eyes again and slump back, crumple into a ball, and never get up again.
That’s when Rudra speaks up, making my heart nearly stop. “It’s okay if she can’t go for the second half of the trek. Maybe she’s just tired. I can stay back with her if that would be better.”
Priti lets out a sound that’s halfway between a scoff and a shocked burble. “Dude. Don’t encourage her.”
“No, no,” I hear myself say before my body shimmies out of the tent of its own accord. My hand grabs my bag, slinging it on as I sluggishly get to my feet. I feel hungover—no,worsethan hungover. It’s even colder outside, and my teeth chatter as I get to my feet. “I’m coming. I’m ready.”
Priti mutters something under her breath before stomping away to the group that’s gathered by the extinguished bonfire from last night. Ohmygod, what’s her deal? I groan, too exhausted to think about what might’ve made her sour again.
