“What do you mean?” Rudra says, sounding a little... put off, as if I’ve said something wrong.
I try again. “I was wondering why you barely seem to know anything.”
Jesus.
I can tell by the way his eyes fill with hurt that I’ve only made this worse.
“It’s not like I don’t know anything,” Rudra says. Oh god, I feel like I’ve kicked a puppy.
One last time.Please don’t mess this up.
“I’m sorry, I’m just—This is all coming out wrong,” I say, twisting toward him fully. Facing him squarely might help. “I should’ve put it in a better way. I didn’t mean to sound like you don’t care or that Priti doesn’t—”
“It’s fine,” Rudra says, cutting in. At least that hurt look in his eyes has dimmed. “I get it. I knew she was dating someone in Powai, and I knew she had a breakup, but I don’t know who her ex is or why she wants to go to Goa so badly.” He licks his lips, and they shimmer in the blue light. “That’s what you wanted to know, right?”
“Yes,” I say. He looks the complete opposite of the cold, unapproachable guy I’ve known him to be all these summers. “And I’m not going to ask you about Priti’s relationship because it doesn’t concern me. But I can tell you’re bothered by her hiding these things from you.”
“I’m not bothered,” he insists, though his expression says otherwise.
“Fine, you’re not,” I say gently. “But I know it can be scary when someone keeps secrets and you have to hope they don’t make you drift apart.”
“That’s becausePriti...” Rudra says her name like it’s a prayer. “She means everything to me.”
Something cracks beneath my ribs right then, discomfort sprouting all along my body. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’ve been in lovewith Rudra for years and am having my heart broken because of the realization that I’ll never match up to Priti inhis.
It’s a crush, barely a day old, nothing compared to the decade-long relationship Rudra and Priti share. But I can’t help but feel envious of how he speaks about her, as if he’d make the earth rotate backward for her.
Part of me wants to believe I’m just jealous because I’m lacking that in my life. It makes me feel foolish for doing all this, putting in all this effort to reach Amrit even though I don’t even like him in that all-consuming way you’re supposed to, let alone love him the way Rudra loves Priti.
I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone like that.
The other part of me knows it’s because it’sRudra—whom I somehow never noticed my entire life, all the years I’ve known him. Whom I’m discovering for the first time, even though he’s been around this whole while. He was like a fossil in a quarry, right in front of my eyes, always there, existing, seemingly unimportant. And suddenly, in the exasperating way that life works, I dug him out, seeing him... no,morethan seeing him, far too late. Because he and Priti are meant for each other.
There’s a boy less than a day’s journey away from me, a sweet, smart, beautiful boy who likes me back. Who isn’t hopelessly in love with his best friend. Who will be the perfect person to ride pillion with into the summer romance of my dreams.
Yet, here I am, slowly falling for Rudra Desai.
14
Let’s See How Much I Can Get Away With by Using My (Many) Achievements as Excuses
Pune, Saturday
The minibus is a twenty-seater, excluding the driver’s and conductor’s seats. The moment I get on, I rush to the very back, snapping up a window seat. The others follow me, and as I slide open the window to let the night air in, I’m secretly hoping Rudra takes the empty seat next to me.
Unfortunately, Charu flops down there, and I fight the urge to groan out loud. But then she shoots me an adorable smile, her big brown eyes twinkling, and I melt.Fuck me.I’m the worst for not wanting this absolute sweetheart sitting next to me.
Priti and Rudra follow, Priti taking the other window seat and Rudra the one next to her. I get a whiff of his scent even with Charu seated between us and shut my eyes, cursing myself because I’m down so bad.
Absolutely ludicrous, Krishna,Mummy’s voice echoes in my head.That’s what she always says when I’m being—well, me. If she knew the thoughts that were going on in her daughter’s head, she’d disown me.
Varun and Digha take the double seat right in front of us, while Jalaj takes the single seat, the aisle partitioning them. As the bus rumbles to a start, my phone buzzes in my fanny pack. When I pull it out, I see it’s Mummy calling me.
Talk of the devil.
“Oh shit,” I say out loud. “Everyone, keep quiet for a minute. My mom’s calling.”
The noise inside the minibus levels off almost immediately, and the only sound that can be heard is the roar of the wind as it rushes in through the window. It’s instinctual for all of us, because even brown girls with relatively cool parents,Americanparents, are always on the alert when there are boys involved. And Mummy, who I’m sure knows only what Nani must’ve told her, would skin me alive if she knew I was traveling across cities just to go kiss a boy.
