“I know why Delphi wasn’t here that night.”
“Snake said she was sick, but she hadn’t come around a lot before that.” G leans forward, his elbows on the table.
“And maybe she was sick. Maybe her marriage was in crisis, and she didn’t want to be near the asshole. I’m just not sure how you all jumped so quickly to her being in on what went down.” Havoc shakes his head.
I frown at him.
“Yeah, I know I did something similar with Lola. Though in my defense, she was living with him, and pregnant with him, and I was led to believe that was her choice. I heard no differently until much later. I should have dug deeper, pushed harder, because I knew her better than that. But my fucking pride was hurt, and I have to live with that. My point is, the signs weren’t there for Delphi, at least from what I’ve heard. So how did we get fifty-seven from two plus two, and why was everyone gung-ho to go with it? Not one of you took her back. Did people not like her or something? Because I’m still fucking confused.”
I lean back, not sure how to answer.
“Blade nearly died that night. It’s no small thing to almost lose your president, and at the hands of brothers we were supposed to trust with our lives. If it weren’t for Sunshine…” G trails off, but we know the rest. The Raven Souls would be very different, with Bear and Snake at the helm. Most of us would have jumped ship, and where would that have left us?
“We fed off Blade’s reaction. He wasn’t thinking clearly, for obvious reasons. But neither were the rest of us for following him blindly. Emotions were too damn high. We should have backed off and waited for clearer heads to prevail.” I’ve thought as much before, but by then the damage was done.
“Not telling me anything I didn’t already know. Truth is, I doubt it matters much why she wasn’t here that night. Hell, she could have been fucking her neighbor for all I care. It still wouldn’t have made her a traitor to the club.”
“Fuck. That’s it.” I slam the bottle down and grip my hair, the missing piece finally slipping into place.
“What’s it? What am I missing?” G looks between us both.
“He’s just had an epiphany.”
I rub my hand across my jaw, feeling the scruff there where I need a shave.
“What?”
“Everyone’s been waiting for a reason, an excuse as to why she wasn’t here, so we can justify our response or explain away our reaction. But the truth is, there is nothing she can say that justifies what we did. We cast her as the villain with zero proof, and we did it because Snake was dead and we couldn’t punish him. Why not punish what he loved the most then? It’s a sick kind of catharsis, right? We didn’t take it too far. We didn’t put our hands on her, so no lines were crossed. Surely she’d forgive us all in the end.”
I shake my head, fucking pissed all over again.
“She didn’t come because she was grieving. She didn’t come all those weeks before because she was hiding the fact that she was pregnant. She didn’t want us to keep looking at her with pity every time she lost one, so she waited. Only this time, she went into labor. It was too early. Her son, Samuel, was born sleeping. All she went home with that day was a handful of photos and a set of footprints the hospital made for her.”
It’s gone quiet around me, but I’m so caught up in my own grief, I barely notice. “I dumped her at the edge of town without even a jacket. After Blade told her that if she came back, he’d kill her. She had no phone, no money, no car. She walked back, after sleeping rough, to find that her home was nothing but ash and those photos and footprints gone right along with everything else.”
“Fuck!” I hear from behind me. But I focus on G, who looks like he’s going to puke.
“She had nothing left. That’s why she has those scars. She tried to kill herself so she could be with her son. We did that—this club. And then years later, she loses everything again because of us. Is it done now? Has she paid enough?”
“We didn’t know,” Probe says quietly.
I turn and see everyone watching me. The ones who were here that night look as rough as I feel.
“Blade did. Snake told him. It was why he missed church the last few times. He knew. He made that call, knowing everything she cared about had died, and then he left her to live with it.”
Chapter Nineteen
DELPHI
Things have beenodd between us since I told him about Samuel. He’s been as attentive as he always has been, but now he’s being—dare I say it—too careful. Like he’s waiting for me to break.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around him or what I’m supposed to say. Everything feels unsettled, and it’s making me antsy as fuck.
I keep reading over his letters, reminding myself that the person who wrote these wouldn’t just leave me, not now. But it’s hard to convince myself of that in the dead of night when I have ghosts whispering in my ear about how pathetic I am.
At least my cast is off now, so I don’t have to deal with that. Now, the cuffs I hadn’t felt the need to wear much around Kruger are firmly in place, because I find his eyes drifting to them all the time, like he alone is responsible for them. It would be easy for me to blame him and the club. I could blame Blade or Lee. Hell, I could blame Bear or God himself. But the only person who put that blade in my hand was me.
I can’t even say I regret it, as fucked-up as that sounds. But hitting rock bottom wasn’t enough. I had to crawl out from thebasement below it to start healing. And let me tell you, healing, living in general, when everything hurts, is so much harder than the cold comfort death offers. I don’t know if my being here now is a good thing or a sign of madness, but here I am anyway. The point is, I’ve come too far to backslide. And though this is all new and fresh for Kruger, it’s a barely scabbed-over wound for me that he just keeps picking at.
