She reaches up to swipe at a tear that sips free. I freeze, unsure of what to do or say. I knew she’d had troubles in the past, with early miscarriages, but this…This is not something I knew.
The kid moves in closer to her, almost protectively. And damn it, I didn’t want to like this kid, but I can’t help it.
“He came too soon,” she chokes out. “His lungs weren’t developed enough.” She shakes her head. “He never took a breath, but I swear, while I held him, we lived a lifetime together.”
“Jesus, Delphi.”
“That’s why I stopped coming around the clubhouse. First to hide the pregnancy until we knew everything was okay, and then after…”
“You were grieving.”
She nods. “So many babies, and I never got to bring one home. At least I had photos of Samuel and his footprints. I needed them to know he wasn’t just a dream.”
“Can I see them?” the kid asks gently.
She wipes her eyes but shakes her head. She looks at me briefly before she drops her eyes. “There was a fire…by the time I made it there, everything was gone,” she tells him in a tortured whisper. I realize then the magnitude of what we did, of what she lost. I get up and make it to the bathroom just in time to throw up.
No wonder she hates us all. I throw up until there is nothing left. I reach up and flush it away, wishing I could do the same with my sins.
And then she’s there, like a fucking angel, living in a world so dirty and soiled. It makes me want to roar to the fucking heavens. She presses a cold washcloth to the back of my neck before wiping my face with it.
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
She doesn’t say it’s okay because it’s not. How can she even look at me right now?
“Let’s get you up I’ll see if I can find a spare toothbrush.”
I grab her arm. “I didn’t know. None of us did. We wouldn’t have?—”
“Yes, you would. If your president ordered it, you’d do it.”
“He wouldn’t have ordered it if he knew. Blade?—”
“Knew.” She shuts me up with one word.
“What?”
“L—Snake told him. He missed church a couple of times, so he had to get permission for that. He told Blade in confidence. And for all his faults, as far as I know, he kept it quiet. I don’t know what changed that night. Perhaps he didn’t believe Snake and thought it was some elaborate master plan, or maybe he had simply forgotten. But he knew the real reason I hadn’t been coming, and he sent you to burn everything down anyway.”
I smooth my thumb over her scared wrist. “That’s when you did this?”
She nods. “I had nothing left. No reason to stay.”
She pulls away and digs in the cupboard, finding an unopened pack of toothbrushes and some toothpaste.
“I’ll go clean the kid up. Take as long as you need.” She’s gone as I stare after her, wondering what the fuck I’m supposed to do now. I felt so damn sure I had the answers to everything. All I needed was to build a strong foundation between us so we could weather any storm, and we’d be okay.
I guess it doesn’t matter how strong the foundations are when you build your house on sand. Eventually, everything will come tumbling down.
Chapter Seventeen
DELPHI
I takeover where Kruger left off and continue cleaning up the kid.
“Theo,” he speaks up, making me jump. “My name is Theo.”
