There’s a knock at my door, and Mom opens it. Her face is stricken, and when I look up at her, she grimaces. “You’ve heard?” she says. “About that poor girl?”
I nod. Behind her, Dad hovers like an anxious fly.
“Are you okay?” Mom says, looking at me like she thinks I might shatter like a precious vase.
“I ...” I almost say I’m okay, but stop myself. “I’m kind of in shock. I think I just need a moment.”
Mom comes into the room and places a hand over mine. She pats it lightly. It’s her version of a hug. “If you need to talk, you know where to find us.”
I nod, and she shuffles out of the room. Dad closes the door behind him.
This is bad. This is—I never meant for this to happen. “I’m a good person,” I say. My voice comes out as a whimper. “I’m a good person,” I say again. Who am I trying to convince? It’s not just Haven’s death that’s scrambling my mind right now. It’s Dani’s too. Maybe both were my fault? I should’ve done things differently. I should’ve stood up to Haven back at school instead of airing everything out in that op-ed ...
My thoughts go round and round in this way until I can’t take it anymore. I sit at my desk and open up Twitter. Twitter has been good to me these days. I’ll do a bit of doomscrolling to take my mind off Haven’s death. My god, her literal death. I shake my head and begin to scroll. And that’s when I realize the nightmare never ended; it merely took a break. And now it’s back.
Chapter 27
Age Eighteen
“Why are we here again?” Haven says in a voice dripping with both boredom and derision.
If I had any guts, I would say “Yeah, why are we here again?” in an equally bitchy voice. But the truth is, when Dani called and asked me to meet up with her at our old hangout—a secret spot at Griffith Park that overlooks the city—I was so happy that I got teary eyed. And I do mean that literally. My eyes really did fill up with happy tears, and I rushed around my room, trying on various outfits, ranging from fabulous grown-up clothes to ones that screamed: “It’s me! Your real best friend! Remember me?”
Of course, when I got there and saw not just Dani but Haven as well, my mood immediately soured. Then the dread set in. What if Haven thought up another mean prank to play on me, and this time, Dani is in on it? I don’t think I would survive that. I’m pretty sure if that were to happen, I’d die of a literal heartbreak. And that is why I am standing there silently, staring at Dani with wide eyes. It’s nighttime, sometime after nine, and it’s surprisingly cold out here.
Dani looks somberly at both Haven and me. She’s not smiling, and I guess it’s a good sign because if she were in on a prank, she’d probably be giggling and looking shifty eyed. But her eyes aren’t shifty; they’re glaring straight at us.
“I asked you guys to come out here because I’m tired of whatever bullshit you’ve got going on between the two of you,” she says.
“Excuse me?” Haven says, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
I can’t stop myself from blurting, “She’s the one who’s been targeting me!”
Dani raises a hand. “Whatever. I don’t care who started what. It’s been going on since middle school, guys. It’s gone on way too long. It’s just pathetic now. We’re about to go off to college—”
“You guys are off to college,” I mutter. “I’m off to community college. Thanks to her.” I throw a glare at Haven.
“Stop it!” Dani says. “Just stop! This whole thing has ruined my entire high school experience. It needs to stop!”
I gawp at her. I can’t believe I’m hearing these words from my own best friend. Well, I guess technically she’s no longer my best friend now, but Dani’s one of the kindest people in the world, and I can’t believe she’s being so callous right now. It’s ruining her high school experience? What about my high school experience? Is it my fault that Haven is a cruel person who has it out for me?
Haven looks equally outraged. Her beautiful, flawless face is frozen in an open-mouthed scowl. “I don’t think so,” she says finally.
Dani narrows her eyes at Haven. “I don’t like this side of you, Haven. Everyone thinks you’re this really nice person, and you are! I know you are. So stop doing mean shit to Fern. You’re so much better than this.”
Haven snorts. “Don’t you remember what she did? She’s such a freak, she—”
It’s the f-word that undoes me. The word that Haven has branded me with, the word that has since defined my existence, thrown at me by everyone at school.Freak. God, Fern, you’re such a freak.
Something overcomes me, and before I can stop myself, I lunge at Haven and shove her as hard as I can. My palms smack into her chest, and there is a surreal moment where my mind screams: Oh my god, what am I doing?
Haven stumbles backward, all the anger on her face replaced by pure shock, her eyes and mouth forming perfect circles. She lands on her butt on the grass with a loud “Oof!” It reminds me of the time I shoved her after she made me drop my cinnamon rolls for the school bake sale, and the moment is so ridiculous, the sight so surreal, that a shrill, cracked laugh barks out of me.
Dani’s head snaps toward me when she hears the laugh, and I know I won’t ever forget that look on her face. It’s like she’s seeing me for the first time, and she doesn’t like what she sees.
“Crazy bitch!” Haven shouts, shoving herself off the ground and pouncing on me.
I’ve never been in a physical fight like this before. I don’t see the force of it coming, the way my body suddenly feels weightless, the world tipping on its side before I can make sense of anything. I don’t even register the fact that I’m falling until I hit the ground. All the air is thumped out of me, and I can’t even catch a breath before Haven smacks me across the face. Pain explodes in my stomach, and I punch up, hitting something—I don’t know what—I flail, I scream, or maybe someone else is screaming; I don’t know anything anymore. The world has descended into a whirl of limbs and shouts and an animal instinct to lash out at anything within arm’s length. I lash out, kicking as hard as I can.
