“Sorry,” I say, “I can’t tell you right now, but I will. I want to. Soon. I promise.”
The tension eases a little. The beast goes back to sleep. The phone rings then, and I jump up so fast my chair falls backward. “Sorry!” I don’t bother picking the chair up before running out to the backyard. “Hi!” I say as soon as the call connects.
“Hellooo!” Rachel crows. “Are you ready for the final bid numbers?”
“Yes,” I say breathlessly.
“Okay.” Rachel pauses dramatically, and I try my best not to scream at her to hurry. She’s taking her time, enjoying this moment. “Let’s start with the smallest bid. So, coming in at fifth place is Landmark with five hundred. Fourth place is Juniper Farr Books at five hundred and seventy-five. Third place—you listening?”
“Yes!”
“Okay, just checking I haven’t lost you,” she jokes. “Third is Sadie Small at seven hundred. Second place is Shields and Carey at seven hundred fifty, and at first place—drumroll please—we have Salt Books at eight hundred and thirty thousand dollars. Kind of a weird number, but we’re not mad about it!”
Eight hundred and thirty thousand dollars? My mind short-circuits trying to envision this sum. This impossibly large sum. Life-changing money. Money that I could live off for the rest of my life.
“Fern? You okay?”
I blink. “Yes, I’m okay. I just—oh my god.” And I burst into tears.
“Awww, sweetheart. You deserve this. You did this, don’t forget that. You were so brave, and you wrote the raw truth for everyone to see. You faced down your bully in the most amazing way possible, and you deserve this.”
I nod and blubber my thanks to her.
“So, shall I tell Salt Books that we’re happy to accept their offer?”
“Yes. Yes!” I cry, laughing through my tears.
“Amazing. See, I told you they have deep pockets. They know I would never have accepted that first offer, but can’t blame them for trying.”
“You are amazing. Thank you,” I say.
“No, you did this. This was your blood, sweat, and tears. All right, Fern. Congratulations! You have a major book deal! Go celebrate. Well, as much as you can celebrate in a pandemic, I guess. I’ll speak to you soon.”
I have a major book deal. A month ago, my life was in tatters, and three words had echoed over and over in my head: I have nothing. And now, somehow, I have a major book deal. And since the book is slated to come out in 2021, I will be able to join a new debut group. One that doesn’t have Haven in it. Which means there will be zero drama on my end. I will be able to make new friends, and this time, I will be so incredibly careful with what I say to them, even when it’s on a private channel. I will go in wiser and stronger than before, and I will come out of it as a published author.
I laugh out loud. My god. Life is wild. It’s beautiful. I wipe my face dry and then go inside the house, where Mom and Dad look at me expectantly. I smile at them. “Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something.”
The next few weeks fly by in a flurry. I’ll sometimes be typing away at my keyboard and then I’ll realize: Huh, I haven’t thought of Haven at all today. Then, days later, I’ll think: Oh, I haven’t thought of Haven for multiple days now. And it requires no effort on my part to not think of her. How funny, to think that not very long ago, I was having mental wrestling matches with myself in an effort to stop obsessing over Haven. And now, I genuinely forget about her. What a gorgeous feeling it is. Of course, technically I am writing a book about bullying, so I do think of her, but when I do, I do so in a clinical way, removed of all emotion.
I am so busy these days. I have deadlines to meet and a book to write, and it’s been a cathartic process, digging out my old journals and reading through them, identifying entries that might go well in the book and sending them to my new editor, Julia. Unlike Lindsay, I hear from Julia almost every day. She and I are working very closely on the book, and so far, she’s so pleased with the chapters I am sending her way.
Oh, this chapter is heartbreaking!she’ll say. Or she might say,Omg I laughed out loud reading this part. Your voice is both hilarious and poignant. I love it!
I think about my relationship with Annette and how bossy she was, how brusque and dominating, and I am filled with gratitude for this new working relationship. I keep a gratitude journal, which I write in every morning, to remind myself of how far I have come. It also serves to remind me of how much I have to lose now, and thus how very carefully I must step. Because what comes with having nice things in life is the fear that they might one day be taken away. But with Haven having disappeared from my radar, my fears are more easily kept at bay.
My book deal is announced inE! News.
Julia Small at Salt Books has acquired Fern Huang’s memoir, titledI Didn’t Mean to Do That. Fern Huang is the author of the viral op-ed “How I Turned fromBully Victim into the Bad Guy.”I Didn’t Mean to Do Thatis an expansion of the op-ed, and has sold in a high-six-figure deal. Small describes the book as a heart-wrenching tell-all about the trauma of bullying and the invisible permanent scars it leaves behind. “I think just about everyone has read that op-ed and related really hard to the downward spiral that Fern experienced at the hands of her bully,” Small says. “This memoir is so timely and important. I think it’s going to mean the world for a lot of people. It’s going to make people feel seen.”
I post about it on Twitter and brace myself for the hate. But aside from the odd snarky remark here and there, what pours in is heartfelt congratulations.
. . . so well-deserved!
We love an underdog victory!!
... so obsessed with the op-ed and ICannotwait to read this book!
Is there a preorder link up??
