Jenna:Awww. Are you back at your parents’ place now? How is everything?
Fern:Same as it was when I left ten years ago. Literally nothing has changed. It’s like going back in time.
Lisa:Oof, I hear ya. I can’t imagine having to stomach my parents’ house now. Doesn’t help that they’re uber religious people and I’m not.
Fern:I’m sorry to hear that. My parents aren’t too bad, they’re just ... not affectionate, you know? Like,standoffish. It’s always a little awkward to be around them, and I’m their kid!
Jenna:Speaking of kids, mine are driving me craaazy! Just this morning, Emily was like, “Mommy, I don’t want French toast for breakfast.” What kid doesn’t want French toast for breakfast??!
Lisa:That’s hilarious! I totally get what you mean. Jameson threw a huge tantrum this morning because, and I quote, “I don’t like the way the sun looks this morning.” Like, sorry kid, if I had the power to control the sun, I would change it up for you, but unfortunately, I don’t!
Jenna:
I reply with laughing emojis as well but don’t add anything to the conversation. Ever since schools went into lockdown, our chats have shifted from publishing-oriented topics, tightening around parenting topics. Logically, I know this makes sense. Jenna’s and Lisa’s kids are home and demanding all their attention, so of course they would be hyperfocused on them. But still. It makes me feel excluded. I never know what to say when kids are brought up, aside from a polite chuckle and a benign virtual nod. I never know if it’s okay to be like, “Yeah, kids are terrible,” or if that would be crossing a line. Jenna, Lisa, and the other parents in the debut group are often saying stuff that implies that kids are a nightmare, but somehow it’s not okay if a childless person like me is the one saying that. I would just come out of it looking like a monster.
Instead, I check the general channels. #Commiserations is my favorite one to check because it makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only person having a tough time, so I save that one for last. Iclick on the other channels, sighing when I get to #culinary and see that Haven has been posting her culinary wonders nonstop every day, while I’ve spent the last week or so driving cross-country. Her creations include Taiwanese beef noodle soup, dumplings from scratch,pain au chocolat, and an Italian pastry I’ve never seen before but is apparently called asfogliatellaand looks like something out of a Michelin-starred pastry shop. Everyone oohed and aahed about her photos, and I don’t blame them. They really are stunning, even without the professional-level photography. Meanwhile, I’ve been stuck in my car, stopping at sad roadside motels and eating instant ramen. It seems highly ironic that the channel I created to give myself an outlet to get out of Haven’s shadow and shine has become yet another place for Haven to bask in compliments. Well, never mind. I’m home now, and I’ve been steadfast with feeding Doughlores every day so she’s still healthy and alive, and once I feel less floppy I will resume my daily baking.
Finally, I open #commiserations. People who have debuted earlier this year are sharing their sales numbers. Most of their books have tanked, unsurprisingly, and some are reporting sales as low as twenty copies in a week, which is truly abysmal. I don’t know why whenever I say I’m an author, people automatically think Stephen King or Rick Riordan, but most authors don’t sell anywhere near the numbers that these star authors do. They’re selling hundreds of millions of books, but the average author would count themselves lucky if they sell over ten thousand books in their lifetime. And, from the looks of the #commiserations channel, none of us are on our way to selling anything even approaching ten thousand copies. Someone has sold six hundred copies in the first week, and that’s the best number we’ve got so far.
I allow myself a few moments of petty reverie. This is why I like the #commiserations channel. No matter how differently we’re faring outside of publishing—some of these debut authors are high-powered lawyers; there’s even a doctor or two among us—within publishing, the playing field is leveled, and we’re all given the same starting line. I, an unemployed nobody, have as good a chance as everyone else to startover and make my mark in the publishing world. I comfort myself, too, with the knowledge that this applies to Haven. She might’ve gotten the seven-figure book deal, but like the rest of us, she will also be debuting during the pandemic. There’s no escaping that harsh reality. COVID, a terrifying leveler, has pounded its fist down onto all of us, and we are all in the same boat. There is something strangely comforting in that.
But just as I think that, the #celebrations channel lights up. Something inside me twists, as though even without opening the channel, some strange instinct has perked up and is telling me it’s going to be about Haven. I shrug it off. For a moment, I tell myself not to open the #celebrations channel. To stay here in #commiserations and pretend that all is not well with everybody else, and therefore all is well with me. But my thumb moves of its own accord and taps on the screen. The #celebrations channel loads, and somehow, it’s worse than anything I could’ve imagined.
Haven:Guys! I can finally announce this!! I have been sitting on this for months and it’s beenKilling Me!!!My Book is Good Morning America’s Book Club Pick!!!
Chapter 16
The darkness doesn’t swallow me whole in one gulp. No, it starts slowly, sucking my toes in so gently that I don’t feel it happening until it’s up to my ankles, and by then it feels like so much effort to try to walk away. I sit there and lose myself in the endless scroll. I scroll up, and up, and up, reading and rereading Haven’s old posts, seeing them in a whole new light now.
In the #covid channel:This pandemic has taken so much from all of us. I refuse to let it take away the joy of debuting too. I’m choosing to focus on all of the good that’s still happening!!
In the #random channel:This might be a really stupid question, but does anyone know what is a good number of copies to sell within the first week of publication?
In the #writing channel, in response to someone talking about how tough they’re finding book two, she said:Forget everything about book one! My debut is so raw and so unpolished and honestly, not even very good because it was just me thought-vomiting onto the page! You know, it’s like I opened up the floodgates and let everything out without caring about stuff like pacing and character development and all that. But having written it, I’ve learned so much and I know my second book will be less messy, and I’m sure that’s true for you too!
Back when Haven posted all these messages, I’d read them as her being genuine, or well, as genuine as Haven is capable of being, I suppose. But now, with the newfound information that she’s known all thistime that she’sGood Morning America’s book of the month, I’m seeing all her messages in a more sinister light.
For example, when she said that the pandemic has taken so much from us all and how she’s valiantly refusing to let it take her publishing joy, well, that’s easy for her to say because she already knows that despite the pandemic, her book will still be a massive bestseller. People are devouring more content than ever, soGood Morning Americais still going strong—well, stronger than ever, even, and so when her book drops on the show, people are going to be buying it in droves. The pandemic hasn’t taken away anything from her; in fact, it’s giving her even more than she already has. Was she smiling when she posted that in #covid, secretly laughing at the rest of us, whose debuts, unlike hers, are being pummeled by the pandemic?
Then, the question in #randombookquestions about how many copies one can expect to sell. Surely she must know that the number of copies aGood Morning Americabook pick sells is going to be wildly different from the rest of us plebs’ books? It’s not even going to be close. We’re talking a sale of two hundred books versus twenty thousand books. And now I see Haven in my mind’s eye, typing the question with a smug, gleeful look on her flawless face. A few people answered her question with a range of numbers from a hundred to one thousand. How she must’ve laughed at them. Pathetic, she would’ve thought to herself. I will probably sell over forty thousand copies.
And the third post, where she’d reassured someone about their sophomore book by telling the world that her debut book is shit. Hah! The cruelty is so obvious now. How did I miss it before? She’s saying that even her worst effort deserves seven figures and an endorsement from one of the biggest book clubs in the world. Stupid wannabe writers, she must’ve thought, your best efforts are still nothing compared to my worst effort.
What galls me is that nobody else seems to be able to discern this. Everyone reacted nicely to Haven’s veiled posts, thanking her for her “wisdom” and “kind words” and telling her she’s so “supportive” and“the best hype woman.” And when I go back to the #celebrations channel, I see that her post about beingGood Morning America’s pick already has over thirty hearts and a ton of comments screaming congratulations and telling her no one else deserves this as much as she does. Really? No one else deserves this? I could think of plenty of people more deserving.
“No,” I say out loud. I squeeze my eyes shut. That’s such a mean, petty thought to have. I slam my fists into my temples. Stop it, stop it. I don’t want to turn into that person again. I am a good person. I have only good thoughts in my mind and goodwill in my heart. I won’t let Haven turn me into this jealous, petty cretin. I’m different now. I promised myself this, at Dani’s funeral, that I wouldn’t let Haven’s cruelty turn me jagged. It’s the best thing I can do to honor Dani’s memory. She always strove hard to be good, and I will do the same. I’ve come such a long way. I’m not a kid any longer, for one. For another, I have healthy coping mechanisms. That’s right. I can bake. And maybe out here in SoCal, where things are so sprawled out and the sidewalks are extra wide, I can actually go out for a run. But the thought of getting up and changing into my running gear right now, after such a long drive, leaves me winded. Another healthy coping method, my mind whispers: Lean on your friends. You have them now, remember? It’s not like how things were back then, where you only had Dani, and then Haven took her away ...
Oh yes. My friends! I quickly switch over to the private channel. Lisa and Jenna are both online. I look at our previous chats, mulling over how to phrase what I’m about to say in the least bitchy way possible.
Fern:Did you guys see Haven’s announcement?
Lisa:About the GMA book club pick?
Fern:Yeah
Jenna:Oh man, yeah! How crazy is that??
I lick my lips and cock my head to one side. “Crazy” could be either positive or negative here. Which one did Jenna mean? The thing is, I want to vent at them about all my messy feelings, but at the same time, I don’t want to come off as too jealous. There is such a fine line to walk here.
