But still, I can’t stop myself from scrolling through the comments, my head feeling feverish with jealousy as I read the adoration from other group members.
Haven:Wanna know something really sad? I named my starter. Meet Breadley Cooper.
Yuna:Breadley Cooper!! That is the best name ever!
Nooo! I want to scream. Breadley Cooper has nothing on Doughlores!
I know, I know how stupid it is to be jealous over someone’s name. No, not someone. A sourdough starter. Well, technically they’re alive, so they count as someone, right?
Okay, time to distance myself from the computer and go for a run.
But as I push the chair back and stand up, the realization hits me. We’re in lockdown. I can’t go out for a run. I go to the window and stare outside, looking down on the streets. There are a few cars driving past, but aside from that, it’s completely deserted. No pedestrians, and definitely no runners. I return to the computer and fire up Twitter. The news is more dire than before. New York City is inundated with cases of COVID, with people dying faster than ever. Fear stabs into my chest, cold and sharp. Again, I’m struck with how strangely removed I’ve been feeling from this entire thing, when the reality is that I am just as susceptible as everyone else. I need to be much more careful. I go to the kitchen and give my hands a good wash, then I go online and order a bunch of antibacterial wipes. Or try to, anyway. They’re sold out everywhere.
I pace the living room. It’s only noon, so it’s way too early to—I don’t know, watch TV or go to bed. I pinch the bridge of my nose. I won’t allow myself to do either of those things. Back in school, when Dani’s death made me spiral into the dark depths of depression, I spent many an afternoon mindlessly watching TV or napping the day away. When I finally clawed myself out of that dank hole, I made myself a promise that I would never go back to that state. I will keep fighting to stay present, to stay alive. I won’t be defeated like this. I know, I think to myself, I’ll work on my second book.
I open my manuscript and refresh my memory by reading the last page I’ve written. And it’s shit. It’s awful; it’s nearly incomprehensible. What the hell was I thinking when I wrote it? I delete three paragraphs. Then I delete the entire page. I scroll up, take a deep breath, and start reading the previous page. It’s as bad as the one I’ve just deleted. I scroll farther up, my chest tightening as my eyes scan the pages and find nothing but trash. “No, no ...” I mumble to myself. This can’t be right. I felt, if not happy, then perfectly content the past few weeks as I steadily chugged away at the keyboard.I’d been so proud of myself for getting to work on the sophomore novel early: I was right on time to get it sent to Lindsay before my debut came out. And now, halfway through the manuscript, I’m realizing that it stinks.
I switch over to Slack and open up the private group chat.
Fern:Omg guys I am freaking out. I’m reading what I’ve written for book 2 so far andIt is so bad. What do I do??
Lisa:What do you mean bad? Like in what way?
Jenna:Girl, I feel you! I’m in the middle of my second book right now and it is SOOO hard. I totally get you, but don’t worry, I bet it’s not bad at all! It’s just the pressure of book 1 getting in the way and making us all crazy.
Fern:No, it’s sooo bad. Everything about it! The writing is awkward, the plot is super lame, and the characters are so flimsy and their dialogue is so painful!
Jenna:I don’t think we’re the most accurate gauge of our own work
Lisa:Yeah, I totally agree with Jenna! I cannot be trusted to judge my own writing for sure
Jenna:Why don’t you send us like the first three chapters or something and we’ll let you know if it’s good? I’m sure it’s great!
Lisa:I love that idea! Yeah, send it our way Fern!
Gratitude floods through me, and I can practically feel my knotted muscles loosening up. What would I do without Lisa and Jenna? I don’t deserve them. They are so good to me.
Fern:Oh my gosh, would you really do that for me?
Jenna:Duh! I know you two would do the same for me
Lisa:Yup
Fern:Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I send them the first three chapters immediately, then I putter around the other channels, noting with not a small amount of bitterness that Haven’s sourdough has received even more love while my Danish pastries lie forgotten. What’s the likelihood that Haven would’ve baked something at the same time I did? And then posted it mere minutes after I posted about my pastries? Fern, a small voice says, this way lies madness. But I bat the voice away, continuing to stare at Haven’s magazine-worthy photos of her bread. No, I mean, really now, what are the chances of it happening? Or, and this is more likely, is it that Haven has a stash of pretty photos of her food and she was just waiting for me to post mine before she posted hers to upstage me? She wouldn’t, would she? Because that’d be ...
“Crazy!” Haven’s voice follows me down the hallway, tinged with her high, girlish giggle. “There goes Little Miss Crazypants!”
I shake off the memory. No, Haven wouldn’t do that. Why bother? She has everything going for her. This pandemic isn’t even touching her. She works from home and for herself, so obviously no one is laying her off. She works as an influencer, so I bet her views are through the roof, so actually, this pandemic isn’t just not touching her, it is in fact good for her. So she really has no reason to go out of her way to sabotage me.
Except that’s just the sort of person she is. Hasn’t she proved time and again that she will absolutely go out of her way to harm me forno reason other than because she enjoys tormenting me? And posting pretty photos of her bread a few minutes after I posted my pastries isn’t exactly going out of her way, is it? It takes nothing for her to bake some bread, which she was going to do anyway, and then wait for me to post something before posting it. After all, she knows I created the #culinary channel, so it was inevitable that I would post there.
My phone beeps with a new message on our private channel. Great timing, stopping myself from going into a spiral. Maybe Lisa or Jenna has scanned through my chapters and is raving about them?
But when I read the message, my blood goes cold.
Lisa:Omg girl, have you read Haven’s new manuscript? It isSo Good?? Like, how does she do it?? I know I’m supposed to be reading Fern’s chapters but I srsly can’t stop reading Haven’s thing.
