I stand in the middle of my kitchen, unmoving, staring at her message. A snort of disbelief escapes me. Is she serious? “Are theyactuallyvalid?” Is she really showing her passive-aggressive side on a general chat right now? Not to mention that this, after all these years of no contact, is our first communication with each other. Well, never mind, it’s going to backfire on her. Everyone will see now what a bully she truly is. But then the next reply is:
Felicity:Oh that’s a good point! Will the changes make the book better, Fern?
A pit opens up deep in my belly, dark and endless. No. Not Haven’s friend chiming in and making it seem like what Haven said is reasonable instead of subtly mean. Where are Lisa and Jenna? Just as I think that, Lisa pipes up.
Lisa:I mean, I feel like regardless of whether the changes are good or not, the editor should’ve warned Fern that she expects extensive changes when she made her offer! She’s put you in such a difficult position.
Haven:That’s such a good point, Lisa! I totally agree. Did she not mention anything during the call?
I wince. I appreciate Lisa sticking up for me, but she doesn’t realize that she’s just made things more awkward for me because I didn’t have a call with Lindsay when she offered. I grimace as I type.
Fern:I didn’t have a call with her before she bought the book.
Lisa:What?! Why not?
Whose side is Lisa on here? I want to cry out. The truth is so embarrassing that I want to shrivel up and hide, but it’s too late now.
Fern:Well, she was the only editor who offered on the book, and my agent didn’t mention having a call or anything.
For a moment, there’s silence. I am so painfully aware that I am surrounded by writers who had multiple editors fighting over their books. Writers like Haven and Lisa, who have had to get on many, many phone calls where editors raved about their books and tried to win them over by offering this and that to them on a silver plate. Meanwhile, I, of course, had to take whatever I could get.
Haven:Oh okay. I see. I would have a call with her now to discuss her notes in depth. And honestly I think this is a good sign, she cares so much about the book that she wrote twelve pages of notes for it ... that’s not something an editor would do for just any book.
Anxiety claws at my chest. This is the thing with Haven. Her replies are so well crafted that a casual observer wouldn’t notice anything off about them. But I see right through her. She’s making herself out to be a good person, trying to be kind to me about my shitty situation, but there are always ulterior motives with her. Already she’s made me look bad, painted me as ungrateful for the immense work my editor has devoted to my manuscript. I need to remedy this, and quick. I can’t afford to let Haven outmaneuver me like she did before. I know what she’s doing: She’s laying the groundwork to push me out of the group and turn me into an outcast once more.
Fern:Thank you for the advice. You’re right, I really appreciate the amount of effort my editor put into the book. I think I’m just overwhelmed by the amount of changes she wants me to make to it.
Lisa:It is totally overwhelming for sure! I don’t blame you, I would have the same exact reaction. But yeah, looking at it in that perspective is helpful. It sounds like she’s super invested in your book!
Felicity:Oh totally! In fact, I kind of wish my editor would do the same!!
Do you, Felicity? I think snidely. Then I immediately feel guilty for thinking that. I hate having mean thoughts. I don’t want to be like Haven, thinking the worst of everyone. I’ve worked so long and hard on myself to get rid of awful thoughts like these. I have established healthy coping mechanisms to avoid this negativity, but this entire interaction with Haven is so triggering. This is the real problem I have with Haven. It’s not just that she’s a bad person. It’s that I hate who I am when I’m with her. I need to end this conversation.
But before I can do so, there’s another reply from Haven.
Haven:I think that’s the right thing to do, Fern! And who knows, you might end up loving the changes. Publishing works in mysterious ways.
My mouth turns into a desert. Dani’s voice rings through my mind. That was her thing, and Haven knows it. She was always saying that various things work in mysterious ways. When we were kids, it used to be a running joke between us. She’d say something like “Life works in mysterious ways,” and I’d go “Algebra works in mysterious ways.” I can’t believe Haven just did that.
Fern:I’m going to email her now. Thanks everyone!
It’s only after I shut down Slack that I notice that my shirt’s sticking to my skin with sweat. I put the phone down on the kitchen counter and guzzle another glass of water. I literally feel as though I’ve just sprinted down several blocks after not having eaten anything the entire day. I’m shaky and lightheaded, and my breath is coming out in shallow, rapid gasps. A panic attack? I used to get them all the time back in high school. I go through the usual motions of grounding myself in the present moment, looking around at my surroundings and naming things I can see, smell, hear, and feel. My shakiness ebbs away slowly, leaving me utterly spent. I go to the bathroom and strip down, avoiding looking in the mirror, full of self-hatred. I stand under the shower until I run out of hot water, then I am forced to come out.
After I’ve dressed myself, I pad into the kitchen and take out Doughlores. The only thing that is sure to bring me peace on days like this is baking. I look up my saved recipes and decide on sourdough raspberry and white chocolate muffins. For the next half hour, I lose myself in the act of measuring out the ingredients and then mixing them together. There’s just something about thick batter or pliant dough that helps me leave behind whatever is bothering me, and Ithank the universe every day that no matter how bad things get, I will always have this outlet.
It is only when the muffins are in the oven that I let myself check my Slack again. There are new messages in the #commiserations channel, but I go straight to the private chat with Lisa and Jenna. They’re talking about something else completely unrelated, and for a second, I wonder if I should just move on and try to forget what happened. But then what are friends for if not to obsess over the little details?
Fern:Ugh, I hate that Haven replied to my thing in #commiserations. I’m not imagining it, right? She was being ... ugh?
Jenna:Wait, what happened in #commiserations? I haven’t checked that channel yet! BRB going to catch up.
Lisa:Hmm, I’m not sure I got any bad vibes from her? Which part of what she said was bad?
Shit. I can’t tell Lisa that Haven saying “Publishing works in mysterious ways” is a pointed, cruel threat. I see now, belatedly, that from an outsider’s perspective, everything that Haven said is perfectly innocent.
Fern:It’s just she’s reminding me a bit about some stuff she did back in high school.
Lisa:Ah, right. That really sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. But anyway, I still think you should talk to your agent first
