The thought of it calms me. Yes. Haven no longer has dark corners to trap me in. She can no longer whisper threats to me. If she’s going to be her vile self, she’ll have to do it online, leaving behind a trail of evidence that can be used to out her. I am as protected as I can be from Haven. I can do this.
Taking a deep breath, I sit back down and open the Slack once more. The #commiserations channel has even more replies.
Alaina:You are so right @Haven! Ughhh I really shouldn’t have let it get to me, I feel so dumb now, lol.
Haven:Omg, you are not in the least bit dumb! The only reason I blocked GR is precisely because I knowthe slightest bit of negativity will cause me to spiral! #TheEmotionalMaturityOfAToddler.
FelicityDao:LOL tell me about it! Haven is right, she got me to block GR ages ago and #noregrets!
Alaina:I love you guys! What would I do without you? I’ve blocked GR now and I feel sooo much better already.
I’m scowling as I read the chat. Alaina loves them? You don’t even know these people! I scream silently at them. I raise my hands to type something, but I hesitate. The knowledge that Haven will be able to see the words “FernHuang is typing ...” pop up on the screen makes me feel lightheaded. And anyway, what would I say? What can I possibly add to this conversation? Haven’s already swooped in and saved the day.
I switch to the #questions channel and to my dismay, find that Haven’s also been in here.
Yuna:How long after you folks signed your contract did you get your edit letter? It’s been three months since I signed my contract and I still haven’t received my letter yet, and I’m starting to get antsy!
Haven:So much of this industry is “hurry up and wait”, isn’t it!
Yuna:Girl, tell me about it.
Haven:I got mine two weeks after signing my contract, but I know it differs from editor to editor and I really wouldn’t read too much into it. Have you asked your agent? She should nudge your editor for you.
Yuna:Idk, I don’t wanna bother my agent.
Haven:I don’t think it’s bothering your agent at all! It’s not like you’re asking her to do something every week, and you’ve waited three months, I think a check-in is understandable.
Felicity:Agreed! I would’ve checked in a lot sooner honestly.
Yuna:Hmm. Okay you’re right.
Haven:Yeah, it won’t hurt! If your agent doesn’t think it’s reasonable to nudge your editor, she’ll tell you. It’ll be fine! That’s why we have agents, right?
Yuna:Thank you for the much-needed kick in the butt. I don’t know why I’ve just been sitting here questioning myself endlessly. Ok, I’m going to message my agent right now! Aaah, wish me luck!
Haven:Good luck! You got this!
It seems as though in every freaking channel, Haven has made a new fan. I scroll up and reread the whole exchange between Yuna and Haven again. How does Haven do this? My reply to Yuna’s original question now seems so stupid in comparison that I thank the universe that I deleted it as soon as I posted it. And isn’t it just typical Haven to drop a subtle mention about how much better she’s being treated (“Myeditor sentmynotes within two weeks, unlikeyoureditor!”) before she gives actual useful advice? Also, is her advice actually good? Should Yuna be reaching out to her agent asking her to nudge her editor? I for one would definitely not do any such thing. I have this thing about notbeing a bother, ever, so the thought of reaching out to Poppy and asking her “Hiiii Poppy, do you think you could possibly nudge Lindsay and ask her when she’ll have my edit letter ready?” actually makes me do a whole-body shudder.
No, that is terrible advice. There is nothing worse than an irritating, high-maintenance client. If Poppy is ever asked about me, I want her to say, “Oh, Fern Huang? She is the easiest client to work with! I’m so happy I’m her agent!”
Right. I know I’m right. The question is: Does Haven know that she’s setting Yuna up for failure? Is she secretly hoping that Yuna would become known to her agent as a difficult client? As soon as I think this, the answer becomes obvious. Because of course Haven knows what she’s doing. Haven always knows; she always has an ulterior motive. She believes that everything is a zero-sum game and that in order for her to get ahead, others need to fall back. Maybe—a dark, sly thought surfaces—maybe she’s doing this because they’ve got the same agent? And she wants to be the favorite, so she’s making Yuna look bad.
I do a quick Google search to see who Yuna’s agent is, and aha! Yuna isn’t represented by Haven’s agent, but she is represented by Haven’s agent’s colleague. They’re repped by the same agency. Close enough for poor Yuna to find herself Haven’s next target.
I feel the familiar sensations of my chest tightening at witnessing some unfortunate soul become Haven’s next victim, while at the same time a pathetic sense of relief courses through me because hey, if Haven’s picking on someone else, she’s not picking on me. But as soon as I think that, I seethe with self-hatred. I refuse to give in to that selfish thought. I can’t think like that. I need to stand up for others. Back in middle and high school, when Haven first set her sights on me, I prayed countless times to the universe to send me someone, just one person, who’d be willing to stand up for me. I foolishly thought that Dani was that person for me, the one who’d take my hand and tell me it’s okay, we’ve always got each other. It took me a while to realize that happy endings only happen in movies. I was on my own, only because nobody elsewas brave enough to stand up to Haven. But now, I can be that person for someone else.
I click on Yuna’s name and start up a private conversation with her. An eternity passes before I decide on what to say.
Fern:Hi, Yuna! How’s it going?
I watch, my mouth dry, as Yuna starts typing a reply.
Yuna:Hey, good, good! I’m just getting used to the Slack group. How are you?
Fern:Good, thanks! Yeah, me too. It takes a beat to get used to.
There follows a long, painful silence. I can sense Yuna behind her screen, waiting and wondering why the hell I’ve reached out. It’s not too late. I could just say “Anyway, just wanted to say hi!” and then run away. But as I type “Anyway, just wanted ...” I get a flash of myself in middle school, watching from afar as everyone hangs out together. An image of Haven whispering something behind her hand to the others, then all of them glancing at me for a quick second before bursting into peals of laughter. No. I can’t let it happen again.
