There’s a rush of air and Jah’ruud appears behind me, looking over my shoulder.
“They could write me love poems or bring me gifts, I suppose. They could duel to see who is stronger.”
His breath tickles my neck as he replies. “But will those things make you happy?”
I sigh. “No.”
“What do you want your husband to do to make you happy?”
I flush, thinking of the intimacies I shared with Kaelun in his tower room. If Noreth truly is Kaelun then I know he has that covered, but he is the only man I’ve ever been with. Perhaps I would enjoy such things with Aurelion as well.
Jah’ruud’s low chuckle sends a shiver down my spine. “You should make sure to test themthoroughlybefore you commit yourself.”
I inhale sharply. “Can wind spirits read minds?”
“We cannot. But in my experience, hearts are easier. Hearts spill themselves into the air around. They are too great to be contained.”
It’s wild and stupid. But there is no one else I can talk to about this. “Do you… take wives and husbands? Do you…” I trail off, unable to find a word I’m happy with.
“Share pleasure? Fall in love?”
I turn and find him much closer to me than I had thought. I have to tilt my head back to look up into his imposing face. His skin is not hot like Aurelion’s, but mine is more than hot enough to make up for that. There’s a tingle at the back of my neck and one low in my belly which I can’t fathom. “We can. Or some of us can. Though I may give pleasure now, I cannot fall in love. Not until I am free.”
So mournful and so wise. There’s a large helping of anger I hear in his voice as well, but beneath the anger, do I hear hope? It makes me so sad that this beautiful creature is trapped bywhatever curse bound him to Noreth. If Noreth really is the man I remember, I find it hard to reconcile this information with what I thought he was. But perhaps we never truly know another person. “Then we must find a way to make you free. Everyone should know love.”
He reaches up, and there’s the softest brush of cool against my cheek as he cups my face. “No, Solha, you worry about your own freedom and let me worry about mine. In the end I have learned you cannot rely on anyone else. Least of all me.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
He steps back, and I reach up too late to place my hand over his, touching only my own cheek instead.
“I must go.”
“Do not go.”
“I cannot stay.” He is already fading into mist.
“Please. Will you come back tomorrow?”
“I should not.”
It’s not an answer. I watch in despair as he fades completely, and the rush of air against my legs tells me he has left.
The tears well up stronger than before he found me crying earlier, and I throw myself onto the bed. I’m so lonely. I cannot talk to anyone in the palace.
Perhaps this is why the law says a solhara must have her solharan and vice versa. To rule alone is too awful. I only hope I can choose a man I can trust, who will support me in my duties and be an ear to listen without taking over.
Not for the first time, I miss my father and distantly my mother too, though her memory has faded to a face and a smile and not much more. I wish I had arms to hold me and someone who could look into my face and see me for who I truly am.
When the tears have cried themselves out, I get up and wipe my face and get out my notebook. Then I start making a list of allthe things a husband should be and do. I will find a way to test Noreth and Aurelion until I am sure who I should choose.
Jah’ruud
I dissipate and call a little breeze to make Yalina think I have left her and regret it almost instantly. The tears in her eyes cause a physical reaction in me, one that makes me want to give myself a shape again to take her in my arms and hold her until the tears are banished. I cannot let myself feel these things. Every time I allow her to gaze at me longingly, every moment I stand close and inhale her rich scent, is danger. It is another moment closer to losing myself to her pull entirely. As it is, it takes me far too long to drag myself away.
I’ve already done enough harm, though.
Unwillingly, I drag myself back to Kaelun’s guest suite and stuff myself into the metal prison of the lamp.
