I hear the pastor speak once more before I get to the doors. “If you’ve fallen short in this area, I want to encourage you that it’s not too late to make things right.”
I break through the sanctuary doors and then walk toward the front. I need air. Right now.
Slowing my step when I reach the sidewalk of the parking lot, I close my eyes and inhale slowly.
“Felt a little personal in there, didn’t it?” Jesse’s voice calls out behind me with a small laugh a few moments later.
I turn around to see him, hands in his pockets, watching his step.
“You think it’s funny?” I scowl.
He picks his head up, his eyes softening. “No. I don’t. I feel … convicted.” He sighs.
“Yeah, well, join the club.” I cross my arms.
“We’ll figure it out, Ella.”
“Figure out what? How to ignore the guilt, pretend it didn’t happen?”
He shakes his head. “No, of course not. We messed up. We knew better and we still …” His voice trails off.
“We can’t let it happen again.”
“It isn’t going to.”
“I hate how easily it happened too.”
“Old habits?” he suggests.
My head nods as old memories of us years ago flood my mind. We were reckless, throwing caution to the wind and ignoring every consequence. We knew deep down it was wrong, but we didn’t care. We were too caught up in each other. Honestly, looking back, it’s a miracle he didn’t get me pregnant back then. We thought we were invincible. But now, all I can see ishow naive we both were and how blind we were to the damage we were doing to ourselves.
“I love you,” he gives me a hug and laces his fingers through mine. He kisses my head, “Now let’s go back inside before people start to catch on.”
Chapter 24
Jesse
Well, Ella and I had sex last night. Not just once but twice. As great as it was, I’m glad to know she is on the same page as me about it … regretful.
I didn’t think she’d walk out of church over it, but she did. It did feel like the spotlight was on us, I’ll give her that. But it’s not like anyone but us really knew.
Once I got her back inside, it was fine. I think coming to an understanding of it not taking place again helped. Of course, we’ll have to talk later, pray about it, do whatever it is to make her feel better. And me. I’m struggling too.
I feel like the biggest hypocrite. I told Lexie it wasn’t happening unless she was ready to settle down and get married. I’ve spent so much time telling Addison to wait until marriage. And Mason, I just lectured him about this the other day. Now here I am. I love Ella. I truly do. What we have is beautiful, but deep down, I feel regret. Iknowsex is supposed to be for marriage, so I’m basically betraying everything I’ve stood for.
After the closing song, everyone disperses from their pews.Some leave the sanctuary and some stay to talk to those around them.
I turn to Ella, dropping my voice to a low whisper. “You wanna go talk to the pastor?”
Her eyes give me the answer before her mouth does; she shakes her head no.
“So we can just—” I start, but Cody interrupts with a pat to my back.
“Hey, I’m going over to help Wesley and Blake. They need some extra muscle.”
Blake is a farmhand for the Stettlers’ cattle farm next door. I look back a few rows to where he usually sits. His wife, Sierra, is standing beside him. She’s pregnant with their first baby—looks like she’s due any day now too. Which, come to think of it, I hope I didn’t get Ella pregnant last night. I didn’t even really think about it. She didn’t say anything, we just sorta went with it all … like we always did.
“Jess? You hear me, man?” Cody’s voice cuts through my distracting thoughts and racing heart.
