When I called things off with Tim, I cried for two days. That’s it. And most of that was due to the uneasy feelings of guilt and judgment from everyone else, not because of sadness at the relationship ending.
It’s a little after lunch when I get to what used to be Tim and I’s house. A knot forms in my stomach. Seeing him isn’t exactly on my bucket list, but I press on. Walking down the pavement, unsure where to look, I hear the squeak of the front door.
“There she is,” he calls out.
I give him a soft smile as I walk. He looks almost the same. Grew out his hair a little more. His beard is trimmed neatly, how I used to prefer it.
“How are you?” The uncertainty in my voice over what he’s gonna say is definitely present.
He pulls his hands from his pockets and hugs me which takes me by surprise. I guess that’s okay? Would he have hugged me if Jesse was standing here, though? I don’t know and now I feel weird.
“You look good.”
“Thanks.” I try to stay chill and not let the awkwardness takeover.
He walks back into the house and I follow. It looks a little different. He got rid of all my girly touches. There are no decorations. No decorative tea towel folded over the oven door handle, no pictures, fake plants, or placemat settings. The wall of cowboy hats on display makes this place scream bull rider bachelor pad.
“So, the coffee table is yours, the TV stand, the dresser upstairs in the spare, and then I have a box of random things I found that are yours right here.” He points to a cardboard box folded shut beside the fridge.
“What’s in it?” I bend down to see.
“Just like pictures, fake flowers, a sweatshirt,” he rattles off.
When I open the box, my stomach drops. I’m met with a golden picture frame that used to sit on the mantel sitting on top of it all. Framed inside it is a picture of us together on the front step of this house. It’s from the day we moved in. I remember how ecstatic we were to finally have our own place together.
Tim’s voice is low. “You sure you’re over it all?”
His words make me second-guess everything but not for more than a few moments. I can’t look at him, so I just nod my head and close the box back up. “Yeah.”
He lets out a slow breath, stuffing his hands into his pockets as I stand back up. “I know I wasn’t always perfect,” he admits. “But I did love you, Ella.”
My body stiffens. “Tim—”
Before I can finish the sentence, he closes the space between us, leaning in to kiss me. I practically give myself whiplash from jerking back so fast.
Lifting my hand up, I stop him. “You can’t dothat.”
“Okay,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”
“You’re right, you shouldn’t have,” I cut in, stepping to the side, away from him. My body is overheating and my heart is beating faster than before. “I told you, I’m just coming to get this stuff and that’s it. We’re not rekindling this. I’m with Jesse.”
His head tilts. “Jesse? The Jesse you—”
“Yes, that one.” I cross my arms. Tim just laughs and shakes his head, walking across the room as if he’s in disbelief.
I talked to him about Jesse before. Early on in our relationship, I told Tim he had a lot to live up to. He tried for a while, really tried. He listened, paid attention, did the exact things I asked, but it still wasn’t the same. No matter how much effort he put in, something was just always missing. I just never wanted to admit it. I knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it. But I kept moving forward, convincing myself that love was something we could build if I just tried hard enough.
I was doing well until he proposed. I thought we were a while out from that yet. I said yes because we had an audience and I wasn’t going to embarrass him.
For the next 3 months I told myself it would be fine. I could make it work; I could create a life with him. But then one night we got into a stupid fight and I had the epiphany. Love shouldn’t have to be forced. Why was I going to settle for someone I didn’t truly love? On the outside I did, sure, but not in my heart.
“So I have absolutely zero chance at winning you back,” he mutters.
“None.”
He nods and looks away. “Right.”
“Let’s just … get the stuff in the truck and I’ll be out of here, okay?”
