“Yes, Mama,” he murmurs back, uncurling his fingers so he can cup my jaw in his palm, his thumb strumming along my cheek. I close my eyes for just a second, taking a long, steady breath in.
I’m ushered out of the room then with the promise that I can come back to see him shortly. Scottie walks me back out to the waiting room. “They’ll probably stitch him up, give him an antibiotic shot, and then send him on his way. I know it looked like a lot of blood, but his gear kept it from being worse.”
She hugs me tightly and then she and Matthew are gone, heading back out. I sit in one of the uncomfortable vinyl teal chairs and bounce my leg nervously. I call Colleen to tell her what happened, and that I’ll be home shortly. She assures me that she can put the kids to bed and she’ll be waiting for me when I can get back.
Head propped in my hand, I have my eyes closed when the sound of the automatic door swishes open and then, “Hey, beautiful. Ready to go?”
My eyes fly open and I jump out of my chair, rushing toward him. He’s got a hospital issued scrub shirt pulled on to cover his previously naked torso. White gauze is wrapped around his entire right arm from fingers to bicep, and I can see the bulky wrap that encircles his torso and chest beneath the fabric of the scrub shirt. A sheaf of papers is folded in half and clutched in his left hand, hanging at his side.
“Any discharge instructions?” I ask, stopping in front of him.
I’m scared to touch him, anxious that I’ll somehow hurt him making me a nervous wreck. He drapes his left arm over my shoulder and pulls me into his body, dropping his mouth to my forehead in a kiss. Tears burn my nose again. God, I hate this.
“Just to keep everything bandaged for two days before taking any of the wrappings off, and to redress it every few days for a couple weeks. Stitches can come out in two weeks. Guess I’m taking a sponge bath at home,” he grumbles, earning a side eye glare from an older woman sitting in a chair by the door as we make our way toward it.
Out in the dark parking lot, his arm still slung over my shoulders, I lean into his side. “You scared the shit out of me,” I whisper into the darkness as we make our way toward my car.
His mouth presses to the top of my head again, and I hear him murmur quietly, almost sadly, “I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry. I’d love to promise you it’s the last time, but we both know that’s probably a lie, and I don’t want to lie to you, Teddy.”
“Everything okay?” Colleen asks as soon as I’m through the door. I set my purse down on the counter and sigh, nodding. I’m exhausted. The last few hours were emotionally taxing, and I’m trying hard not to spiral.
“Xander had an accident out on a fire,” I say quietly, unsure how to organize my thoughts into any kind of semblance of calm.
“Come sit,” Colleen says, pulling out one of the tall bar stools at the kitchen counter.
I do, sinking into it gratefully. She moves around my kitchen, pulling a small pot out of the cupboard and filling it with water. She sets it on the stove to warm, and then plucks a mug out of the cabinet as well as a bag of tea. We’re quiet while she works, and then a few minutes later, she sets a steaming cup of tea in front of me.
“Chamomile,” is all she says, then sits down next to me.
“Thank you,” I whisper before cradling the mug between my fingers, warming them. I hadn’t realized how chilled I’d gotten sitting in the Emergency Department waiting room. The fear, the worry about Xander comes crashing through me all over again,followed by such intense guilt that it seizes my breaths. Tears sting my nose and I blink rapidly to dispel them.
“I always knew you and Logan would end up where you did,” my mother-in-law says into the quiet of the room. “It was like we just knew as soon as he brought you home that first time this was it. There was never going to be anyone else that fit him better than you did. Through every stage of your lives, you two were always constant. Not to say you were both always sunshine and roses,” she smiles, teasing lightly. I smile into my tea, those tears filling my eyes. “But there was just this rightness between you. You made my son the happiest man, Teddy. You gave him a wonderful life and three beautiful children. He loved you with everything he had in him. You always had this warmth, this glow, whenever you looked at him. You loved him so well, sweet girl.”
Grief tightens my throat. I did love Logan. So, so much. And part of me still does. For most of my life, he was my only love. My great love. But now, with Xander…
She reaches out and takes one of my hands in both of hers, squeezing it tightly. I glance up at her, my vision blurry.
“I see that warmth in you now, Teddy. I see the glow coming back to your eyes, whenever you look at Xander. I hated seeing that light leave you after Logan died,” she whispers earnestly, tears shimmering in her own brown eyes. “You already love him.”
I open my mouth to say something, though nothing comes out. I don’t know that I’m ready to admit it, but denying it feels wrong, too. “I don’t want you to be upset with me,” I finally manage to whisper, my voice tearing around the words. “Because Logan was your son.”
“Teddy,” Colleen murmurs, gathering me into her arms for a tight hug. “You are just as much mine as he was. Part of you will always love him, and will always grieve for the love and the life that was stolen from you…just like I will always miss my son. I might meddle more than I should and I might push harder than what is conventional; but I love you and I want to see you happy again. Take this chance. As scary as it is, take it. How could I say that I love you and be upset with you because you’re finding joy again? That’s not what love is,” she whispers so gently, cupping my cheeks, her eyes shining. I’m crying fully now. “I love you enough to want to see you beyou again, my sweet girl.”
Who gets this lucky with a mother-in-law? There’s no judgment in her eyes, her tone, her words. Just simple, undiluted, unconditional love.
“I’m so grateful for you,” I whisper, smiling, before leaning in to hug her tightly again. “You are the best bonus Mom I could have asked for.”
“Kent’s mother wasn’t quite as fond of me,” she says, laughing, waving one hand. “I promised that I would never be that way if I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a daughter-in-law. It helps that you’re pretty fantastic.”
I laugh out loud, leaning away to swipe at my eyes. “I love you.”
“As you should,” she teases. I smile gratefully over at her, and she says, “I love you, Teddy. It’s okay to be happy again. I promise.”
I made Teddy go inside her house to tuck her kids into bed while I headed into mine. I’m a filthy, blood stained mess and need to clean myself up.
Stripping out of the borrowed hospital scrub top, my boots, and my now blood stained nomex pants, I do the best I can to wash my body without getting the bandages taped to my right side and wrapped around my right arm wet. I use the handheld shower head to wash the rest of my body, and then bend over the best I can inside the tub to wash my dirty hair and scrub the dirt and soot off my face and neck. Toweling dry, I sling the towel around my neck and venture into the bedroom to find a pair of sweats that are easy to pull on and a clean t-shirt. The burning pain from the cuts is dull and aches even through the pain meds they’d given me in the hospital.
Walking barefoot back to the kitchen, I see out the window as Colleen pulls out of the driveway to head home for the night. Teddy’s two work shifts are over for the week, so Colleen won’t be back until next week.
