“Okay, so please explain to me—in extreme detail—why that absolute moony expression on your face is such a calamity. Because from where I’m sitting, it looks like a damn good problem to have—” Scottie chuckles, pouring herself out a couple inches of the whisky she brought and taking a sip, “—and I know that that hunk of man out there gets the same dopey look whenever he talks about you.”
I’m swaying in one spot, twisting my body this way and that to keep Bea moving. She’s tired but won’t go down for her nap, and she’s been a terror all day because of it. I almost cancelled on the girls tonight—because who wants to listen to a fussy baby while hanging out with your friends—but I’d needed them too badly. I have to talk this thing with Xander out or I’m liable to combust.
Vi reaches for Bea and I sag with relief at the momentary reprieve. “Thank you,” I whisper, taking a drink of my wine while I have two free hands.
“Okay, so I’m still waiting for this explanation,” Scottiegrumbles, pulling herself up to sit cross legged on top of my counter.
“I’m a single mom.”
“You are?!” she exclaims, feigning shock. I roll my eyes at her and she laughs. Pointing out the window, she mutters, “Doesn’t seem to be an issue anymore. Next.”
“I’m a widow. It hasn’t even been a year since my husband died,” I say, taking another gulp of my wine. Liquid courage.
“There’s no timeline on grief or how you choose to live your life,” Scottie counters. “And if anyone has a problem with that, send them my way.”
Violette nods, swaying with Bea cradled in both of her arms. “Healing isn’t linear, Teddy. There will be good days and there will still be really hard days, too. He seems to want to be here for both.”
“He’s a hotshot,” I whisper, letting my shoulders sag a little more.
Scottie and Vi look at each other and then back to me. “Yeah? And? So are Cal and Rowan.”
I wave my hand between them and sigh sadly. “But you’re both so much stronger than I am. How do you do it? How do you let them leave knowing they’re walking intoa wildfire? I mean I know Cal has been a hotshot for as long as I can remember, like since I was a teenager, but it’s… I don’t know. Thisfeels different. The worry I feel for Cal is so vastly different than the worry that I feel for Xander, now…” I glance between them, my shoulders sagging. “Doesn’t that terrify you?”
“Of course it does,” Vi says softly, still rocking with Bea. “And the fear you have for Cal isgoingto be different than the kind you feel for Xander.” She shrugs. “I used to worry about my dad every time he was gone. I would do obsessive things when he would leave; eat his favorite dinner the first night he was gone, place his slippers in a certain spot beside his bed. He always came home.”
I nod, taking a deep breath.
“When Jacob joined the crew, I did the same things. And then he died,” she continues softly, still swaying with Bea. She looks down at my daughter, then presses her cheek to the top of Bea’s head. Raising her eyes to mine, she says quietly, “I realized we never really have control over what happens. We just have to appreciate the moments we have and hope they walk back through that door to us. I have to believe that Rowan is always going to come back. I can’t let myself think otherwise or I would be a mess.”
Tears sting my eyes. Dammit. “But I already am a mess and we’re not evena thingyet,” I whisper miserably. “I already lost the love of my life and it nearly killed me. I don’t want to do that again. What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m not strong enough?”
“Just so you know,” Vi says, bouncing Bea in her arms still, “you are without a doubt the strongest woman I know. You lost your husband; you had a baby—an emergency home birth with no medication, mind you—and you’re raising three amazing kids. You’re doing it by yourselfandyou’re fucking killing it, Teddy. You’re like an OG badass.”
I laugh, then swipe at the tears that have pooled in my eyes and are threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Teddy, if I told your brother to quit, he would turn in his resignation today, but fighting fire is what makes him feel alive, and taking that away from him would be losing a part of who he is. And maybe it’s because I haven’t lost like you have, but… I couldn’t do that to him. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to quit to make me happy,” Scottie says gently. I take a shuddering breath in and blink away more tears. “Cal’s smart, I trust him to come home to me when he’s done. Therapy helps. Actually, we’re both in therapy for different reasons. It doesn’t always make it easier, but you’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t have an outlet. Weren’t you doing grief counseling before you had Bea?”
I nod while Vi bounces Bea gently. “Yes, I was, but it’s soexhausting trying to find a babysitter for the kids so I can drive over. I mean it’s not that far, but it’s a solid two, two-and-a-half-hour venture having to drive back to Cedar Valley?—"
“Moooom!” Penny screeches as she and Hollie come barreling out of her bedroom. Her loud shriek sends Bea into a fit, crying loudly, so I take her from Vi and try to soothe her, rocking her close. Her little face is scrunched up. She’s so tired, if only she would go down for her nap.
“Penny,” I sigh, looking down at my four-year-old, her brown eyes wide. “I know I’ve asked you not to scream like that, especially in the house?—"
The front door opens and I glance over as Xander steps inside, his intense gaze zeroing in on me and Bea, and the contrite looking Penny standing in front of me. He steps over toward me, his eyes slicing over to the other two women, nodding in acknowledgment.
Dropping into a crouch in front of Penny, he turns her toward him, then winks over at Hollie, too. “Why don’t you girls come outside with us? We’re playing catch with Dalton, and I think it would be even more fun if you two came out to play with us, too. I’m sure Uncle Cal would love to have you come outside. What do you think?”
Penny is jumping in place, excitement leaving her body through wiggles. “Let’s go Hollie!”
“Shoes!” I call to her as she and Hollie race for the door. They slip their shoes on and race out the door, leaving Xander in their dust. Through the door we can see Hollie as she crashes into Rowan’s legs, and then he sweeps her up into the air over his head, making her laugh out loud.
I’m still bouncing Bea in my arms as Xander pushes his hands on his knees to stand, rising until he stands directly in front of me and I’m forced to look up into his face. I can feel Vi and Scottie’s eyes on us and I blush hard.
“Let me help you, Mama,” he murmurs quietly, reaching formy squalling infant. My eyes bounce between his before I nod and let him take her from me.
There’s something about this man that causes the women in my family to just swoon over him, and my four-month-old isn’t immune to his charms either apparently, as she stops fussing almost immediately. She nuzzles into his chest, his large hands looking even more impressive spanned across my infant's back and cupping her diapered bottom. She yawns broadly and I can’t help the half-hearted scowl that I send her way, the little traitor.
“Ooooh, Xander has the magic baby touch,” Vi teases from where she’s standing at the counter, her glass of wine suspended in one hand. She winks.
