Letting go of Teddy and allowing her to pull away from me just might be one of the most painful things I’ve had to live through.
At least, until she looks up at me with those damn silver-gray eyes that show just how betrayed she feels. And then I feel even fucking worse. The noise that escapes her, a sad, disappointed laugh, cracks my sternum open from the inside out.
“Unbelievable,” she whispers, reaching up to swipe angrily at the tears that track down her cheek. “Maybe try leading with that next time.” Shaking her head, she turns away from me and mutters bitterly, “Asshole.”
“Teddy—”
“Go fuck yourself,” she throws over her shoulder as she disappears around the partition.
I stand there and listen to the screen door slide open and shut, and then the heavier glass door as she closes that, too. The flick of the lock as she engages it. It’s quiet, but it echoes like a gunshot in my head. That lock sliding into place represents so much more than the simple mechanism that it is. It’s closing the door—bolting it and throwing away the key—onwhat could have been. What I won’t ever let myself have. Because even if she can’t see it right now, it’s best for her, too.
And then I’m standing here in nothing but silence.
Heavy, soul crushing silence.
My alarm blares next to me and I jolt awake, staring up through the branches of the trees, the stars obscured by the heavy smoke that blankets the area. Around me, I can hear my crew as they start to wake. Four a.m. comes early out here. Crappy instant coffee is started and we eat MREs straight out of the packages before gearing up. Half my crew heads out with King, the other half with Cal. I nod to both men as they lead their squads out into the darkness, headlamps attached to their helmets.
I work my way up a nearby ridge to the highest vantage point I can find. My mind should be on this fucking fire but it’s not. For a week all I’ve done is replay that moment with Teddy. When I’d dropped that fucking bomb on the best thing that’s happened to me in well, probably ever.
What right do I have to ask for a woman like that to sit by and wait for me while I come out here and risk my life eight months out of the year? I don’t. I have no place in the life of a woman like Teddy Hansen. Or her kids. I don’t deserve a woman like her.
Stomping through the dark forest, I gnash my teeth together until my jaw aches. No, Teddy deserves someone so much better than me. Someone that would be there for her. Something I can’t do. Not now. Possibly not ever.
I’d gotten the call with our assignment that next afternoon. I hadn’t been brave enough to venture outside, where I could hear Kent and Colleen packing their car to head home. Shame and guilt had warred inside me, battling for supremacy beneath my ribcage. I’d grabbed my pack and waited until Teddy and the kids had gone back inside after watching Kent and Colleen pull out of the driveway.
Only Teddy had stepped out of her front door at the same time I did. Our eyes had collided and I’d wanted nothing more than to go to her, but I didn’t. I knew I couldn’t. Not after what I’d said the night before.
Not when she quickly dropped her eyes from mine to turn away like I didn’t exist.
So I climbed into my truck and pulled out of the driveway. That had been a week ago. And all I’ve been able to think about is her. About how royally I fucked up.
But I remind myself this is for the best. She’ll eventually move on and be ready to date again, and I’ll stand back and let it happen.
If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think there’s a man out there that deserves the woman that Teddy Hansen is. He’d have to be a goddamn saint to deserve everything she has to offer. To deserve to have those kids in his life.
I kick at a rotting log as I pass it, just because. I’ve been a mean brute all week, horrible company, and I’ve been reduced to communicating in grunts and snarls. Even Cal, who usually is completely unfazed by my moods, is giving me space. Though I’m not sure if it's because of the bear of a mood I’ve been in, or because he’s pissed at me.
Not that I blame him if he is. He told me to be careful with her, for good reason. And I purposely, intentionally hurt her feelings. If I’m honest with myself, I’m a little surprised he hasn’t decked me yet. I deserve it.
Thank fuck this fire is almost contained. It’s relatively small and slow spreading, with weather that’s worked in our favor. The ash that’s filling the sky and falling everywhere is stagnant with no wind to shift it elsewhere. Which is fine by me, because that means the winds are low and not flying any embers into the green surrounding the area we’ve cut out.
With any luck, we’ll be headed home tonight. Although Iadmit, the thought of home doesn’t bring me that same spark of joy that it did last time.
Knowing Teddy probably hates my guts now.
“Shut up. He didnotsay that to you.”
Curled up in one corner of my couch, I nod miserably and take a big gulp of my coffee. Vi, who is sitting cross legged in the opposite corner, just stares at me, her jaw hanging slack.
“And this is after he kissed the daylights out of you?” she asks, raising her glass of wine to her lips. I groan and let my head fall back against the back cushion of the couch. “What a douche.”
I snort out a laugh, closing my eyes.My sentiments exactly. “Yes. And I’m just the huge dumb idiot that let it happen. I was practically begging for it, Vi.” I let my face fall into my free hand, rubbing my temples with my thumb and middle finger, too embarrassed to look her in the face while I confess all my dirty secrets. “I mean, I know I had just basically freaked out and said I wasn’t ready for anything, but dammit, he’s justso nice… I let myself think that just maybe I could try…”
“You’re not an idiot,heis the idiot. And that isnotwhat a nice guy does,” she mutters darkly, shifting in her seat on the couch. She shakes her head and grumbles into her wine aboutidiot men and their stupid penises. I snort into my coffee.
Hollie and Penny are in Penny’s room playing with Barbie’s, Dalton is in his room playing a video game, and Bea is lounging happily in her bouncy seat on the floor next to us. We’d had to forgo our usual mid-morning playdate for the girls this morning due to heavy rains—good lord did we need it badly—and we’d decided to stay in and drink instead—wine for her, coffee for me, so I can nurse Bea tonight. Scottie is working, but we have plans to have coffee tomorrow morning.
All the guys have been gone since Sunday, called out on another fire. According to Vi, this one is located in Montana and was caused by a lightning strike. The news coverage is sparse and generalized, but it sounds like it’s well contained by the crews on the ground.
