I couldn’t be prouder of this woman of mine because she’s healing healthily for the first time. She’s no longer trying to force herself to be better for the sake of those around her. This feels like the first step into our future, and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.
CHAPTER 20
Lake
“Good morning, Lake, you are looking radiant today.” Beth, my long-time therapist, has the kindest smile. She’s never been judgmental, and for the first time, I can see she’s shocked at my appearance.
“Thank you. I feel peaceful for the first time in so long.” Taking a seat at the art table she keeps in her office, I immediately grab a blank piece of paper and a black pencil crayon.
She sits across from me, offering me a bottle of flavored water while taking a sip of her own. “Has anything happened recently to help you feel this way?”
I feel…found in my own little world in my head as I draw a meadow with tall trees and wildflowers before glancing up and asking, “Do you think we could turn on some music?”
As she fiddles with an app on her phone, classical music streams through the speakers, and I hum along, gathering my thoughts. It’s been a couple of days since the fight in Destin. At the time, I had honestly feared I would view Saint differently as he beat a man to a pulp. The irony is, it only made me realize how gentle he is.
It was obvious his opponent had been taunting him, most likely about me, but instead of losing his cool, Saint remained calm and calculated. He didn’t hurt the other man more than necessary to win.
“I went to Santa Claus, Indiana, after feeling so overwhelmed I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and seriously debated ending my life.” Switching from the black color to the green, I begin shading in the grass. “Saint followed me.” I’ve never kept it a secret that I’ve been in love with the man my entire life.
“Really? How did that go?” Glancing up, amusement reflects in the woman’s hazel eyes.
Placing the pencil down, I meet her gaze full on. “We’re together now. It was amazing. He cooks for me, he feeds me, my comfort and happiness come before anyone else.” My heart is full, thinking of all the small and over-the-top things he does for me.
“You’re glowing, Lake.”
Leaning in, I whisper, “We had sex.”
Beth’s eyes widen in shock. “Holy crap. And? Did you have flashbacks? Were there any aftereffects?”
Most people would consider those invasive questions, but she’s known my biggest fears for years.
“There were moments we had to slow down, adjust, and take breaks. But for the most part, Saint allowed me complete control and didn’t hesitate to check in with me, ensuring that I felt safe and secure.” I get a dreamy feeling thinking of how much he enjoys my pleasure.
“That’s amazing,” she sighs, happy for me. “So, what do you want to discuss today, then? It sounds like you’ve made huge strides since I last saw you.”
Licking my suddenly dry lips and taking a drink of water, I breathe deeply before responding, “I’m afraid that having children will ruin me.”
“When you say ruin, what do you mean?” She grabs a blank sheet of paper and a red pencil, doodling as I take my time to answer without pressure.
“I love kids, always have. I have so much fun with my nieces and nephews and love them like they’re my own.” My therapist hums as the song switches to something a little boppier. “I worry about PPD a lot. That being pregnant, having the baby, and then the emotional hormonal rollercoaster fighting for dominance will set me back.”
Grabbing a brown pencil, I shade in the tree trunks and branches before grabbing the green again for the leaves of my large oak tree.
“Those are valid fears, Lake. I hope you understand that and know that you aren’t alone in feeling that way. But let me ask you this: what if PPD wasn’t an issue? Do you think you’d still want kids?”
“Yes. Without hesitation, but I want to be happy and whole for them when they arrive.”
“Okay, so then we make a plan for the pregnancy, then for after birth. Do you think Saint would be willing to attend a few sessions to discuss what post-partum depression means and how he can help you? Give him the tools to spot problems should they arise.” She’s taking notes next to her doodles now.
“I’m pretty sure he would.” Honestly, Saint saying no to something that would benefit me would be surprising.
“Good, so let’s get you two in here in say three weeks. It’ll give me time to gather as much information about PPD as possible so that he has everything he’ll need if or when you’re both ready for children.”
After agreeing, we talk about a few more mundane things, and Beth lets me know how proud she is of me for taking chances and looking to the future while healing my past. For the first time in years, I leave her office in better shape than when I arrived. It doesn’t feel like I’ve gone through a battle to get where I am.
There is a radiant light at the end of a lonely tunnel that brought me much pain for so long. A lot of it has to do with Saint finally knowing what happened and who did it, and has taken care of the fears I’ve had about them coming back for me.
But even more so is that I’ve taken control of my life again. I’m facing my fears and knocking them down one by one. There’s nothing to fear anymore. My future is bright and filled with happiness and anticipation. Having Saint at my side is simply a bonus that I’ll forever be grateful for the rest of my life.
