It was everything I feared and hoped for in equal measure. Her profound compassion and her patience were so freely given.
“I can’t lose you,” I rasped.
Logic warned that I should push her away again, that I’d only hurt her like I hurt everyone around me. But I was weary of fighting every second of every day, even in my sleep.
“I’m not going anywhere…except maybe to the river to wash.” She chuckled.
The thought of her bathing filled my mind with images that lit a different type of fire in my chest.
I let go of her, putting space between us before the beast got any more ideas about possession. I looked down at the mess I’d made of myself as well.
“Catrin!” I shouted. “Bring towels and soap. We’re going to the river. Now!”
Isca’s eyebrows reached into her hairline. “We?”
“If you think I’ll be letting you out of my reach or a ring of guards for one second, you’re mistaken,” I growled. “The man I killed was ascout. His death won’t start a war, but it does mean that you’re vulnerable.”
It meant that they were looking for weaknesses. It meant that they’d found my greatest one and might try for her again.
Isca huffed out a frustrated breath.
“You can walk into the river with your clothing on. The towel is for your dignity in leaving it.”
“Wonderful.” Her tone was sarcastic.
More like wonderful torture.
The agony of knowing she’d be undressing nearby, but out of sight and reach, felt like it might kill me.
Still, I’d endure it a thousand times to know that she’d be safe.
Chapter 42
Isca
As we walked toward the river, the sun melted into the horizon, turning the water into a ribbon of flame. Clouds blushed from its descent, making the treetops burn with amber light. The sight should’ve been beautiful, but the smell and feel of blood-soaked clothes clinging to my skin, and the lingering memory of the scout’s corpse, marred my enjoyment.
Standing at the river’s edge, I removed my shoes—which had mercifully been spared—and stepped into the shallows. Emrys’s reflection shifted in the light upstream, just far enough away to give me space. Though I wasn’t sure either of us truly wanted space anymore.
From my first step, the river’s chill cut through my skin like a million frozen blades, but I willed a spark of magic to life beneath my skin. Its warmth rose and spread in a tide of heat that flowed over me as I walked deeper into the lazy river. This reminded me of home, of bathing with my sisters while my brothers kept watch. Even with all the excitement of an adventure in foreign lands, I missed them terribly.
Behind me, Catrin yawned and settled onto a dry patch of mossy earth with the ease of someone who could fall asleep mid-sentence. Her head tipped back, and her braid fell out of its pins to loll across her shoulder like a cat’s tail. She’d be snoring soon, and I envied her for it.
The water climbed past my knees, tugging at my dress. I reached under the surface and began scrubbing the blood near the hem. Like my guilt, it stubbornly resisted my efforts to wash it away.
If I hadn’t tried to steal those moments alone, would that man still be breathing? Emrys might’ve had time to plan. They could’ve taken the scout alive and questioned him. Emrys could’ve used him to bargain with Gelida.
Now the scout’s death had closed that door forever.
My selfishness hadn’t just risked my life. I’d forced Emrys to sink into his darkness when he could’ve used strategy. I’d made him a monster instead of allowing him to be a king.
Those five minutes of silence weren’t worth a life. The urge to cry was overwhelming. Sinking into the water would cover my tears, but weeping couldn’t undo my mistake. I simply had to do better.
Upstream, Emrys quietly entered the river. The setting sun highlighted his dark features with copper and gold. He was already waist deep when he finally turned to look at me.
“How are you faring with the cold?” he asked, voice rough.
“I’m cheating with a heating charm,” I said, forcing a small smile. “We used them all the time in Caervorn. The river never ran warm, even in summer, and we couldn’t afford the baths.”
