Pasgen’s shadow looming impatiently in the hallway outside made suppressing it easy. He didn’t deserve to hear laughter. I didn’t know why he’d shown up, anyway.
Was he my minder? A witness for the chancellor to know that I was playing along? Or was he simply there to glare and further impress upon me the weight of their expectations?
“We’ll send another day dress wrapped in oilcloth and a cloak for the rain,” the taller woman said, stepping back to admire her final adjustments. It was the first thing she’d said directly to me all day that wasn’t an order.
Did that mean I needed different clothing in the evenings? Were they supplying that too? I didn’t even know what the correct questions were.
“Spare stockings. Needles. Darning wool,” she said, eyes lingering on me a fraction longer than necessary. The pity coming off her was a cloying thing. “We’ll have them all packaged up on the caravan for repairs.”
I nodded, though I made sure my spine remained perfectly rigid and looked down my nose at her, eyes narrowed. I didn’t want her pity, no matter how innocent she’d been in creating this situation.
As the seamstresses left the room, I looked back at my reflection in the mirror: a woman being packaged for delivery.
But I wasn’t cargo. I wasn’t livestock.
Damn them.
Fresh anger ignited within me.
I didn’t lower my chin or look away when Pasgen walked in behind me, shape reflected in the mirror. They wanted—no—theyneededme. They needed what only I could do. Needed my magic and my womb. But I was more than those two things. I was a proud daughter, sister, aunt, and a powerful mage.
They had the power to dress me as a doll, send me anywhere, and call it an honor. I’d take what they would give, but I would choose how I found success.Iwould choose who I became.
To go against their plans, to give them precisely the opposite of their wishes, was my wildest dream. I was just one woman, wholly lacking in flashy magic, and they had knives poised to open my family’s throats. But I could find ways to slip poison into every drop of blood they took from me.
On the surface, I would be all smiles and soft obedience. I’d had decades of practice at it. But I wouldn’t make myself an easy victim in their game any longer. I would play it alongside them. And just like my magic, I would be the gentle breeze that swayed the game pieces.
I stepped down from the stool and flexed my arms. The dress was loose across my shoulders and grew more comfortable as I got used to the fresh cloth.
Before I could leave, Pasgen stopped me with a harsh clearing of his throat. “I need your pendant,” he said.
Of course, the first words he’d spoken to me after leering for hours was a demand. As I untied the leather around my throat, he reached into his pocket to reveal a small unadorned box. The clammy fingers on his other hand closed greedily around my proffered iron pendant, which vanished quickly into his robes.
“Turn around,” he ordered.
Against every instinct screaming at me to avoid anything this man wanted from me, I carried out the scribe’s orders. I heard the tiny wooden box open, and then his hands were draping a delicate gold chain around my neck. The pendant that hung on it was a matching gleaming gold with the shape of a heart stamped into it.
Grand Magus. They were publicly declaring me a grand magus of empathy. I felt my throat close around the shocked gasp that threatened to escape. Gods above and below.
But I knew what this was. The gold might be a beautiful, valuable piece of jewelry, but in truth, it was my collar. I wouldn’t thank him for that.
Still dressed in my new finery—and now wearing my new mark of status—I strode past Pasgen into the hallway, surreptitiously pushing a tiny wave of gut-wrenching revulsion in his direction.Poison. Exactly how I felt about him.
I’d never been as petty as I had been since walking into Maeron’s office. But Pasgen undoubtedly now knew about my ability and how his emotions would affect me. He’d made it very clear how he felt by taking every opportunity to torture me with his emotions.
The low groan he emitted proved I’d hit my mark. Music to my ears.
He’d think he’d eaten something bad. Given the magical atmosphere of the keep, I doubted he could detect the insignificant surge from me. Farther away still, I sent another tiny wave and was rewarded with the sound of feet shuffling toward the nearest privy.
I allowed myself a silent chuckle.
***
I grabbed the comb Papa had whittled for me, a ribbon for my hair, and the shawl Mama made for me last winter and shoved them into the tiny box I’dbe carrying with me to Darreth. The comforting scent of ash bread lingered in the air while I worked. That soft, smoky smell of home imprinted itself on my memory, forever bound to saying goodbye to the only place I’d ever called home.
Mama’s hands were quick and efficient as she tightened the ties of my cape so it would fit comfortably over my travel dress. The knots were perfect, but she kept fussing with them like she could tie her worry into something neat and manageable. Her hands trembled against the fabric, and her breath came in short bursts.
She was choking on the same feelings I was.
