I take another deep breath and fiddle with the sleeves of my linen blazer, the green one I love so much, from that vintage store down the street where I’m always overspending.
I’m avoiding, thinking about breathing and clothes, instead of processing what to say. Because I know this is the part where maybe I lose her. This is the part that I’ve been wondering about for the better part of a year and have always thought sounded completely insane in my own mind. And I can’t believe I’m going to even try and say it out loud.
“I think ... I think I’m in love with a man I’ve never met or even spoken to?”
Chapter 2
I watch as Ari takes this statement in.
She triessohard to have no expression. I recognize the look because it’s one I try to employ with my own patients, although usually less effectively. I’d find it amusing if it wasn’t about me.
“Why did you phrase it as a question?” she finally asks, putting the onus back on me.
I blanch. “It should be a question, shouldn’t it? Like ... is that even possible? How ridiculous is it to even think you’re in love with someone you don’t know?”
“I don’t think the word ‘ridiculous’ is particularly helpful here,” Ari says kindly, so very unlike her normal demeanor.
I must really be a basket case for Ari to go soft on me.
I sigh and put my head in my hands. I try to breathe in and out slowly, the way I always tell my patients to. “I think I’m really lonely,” I finally say, into my hands.
“Why do you think that?”
I look back up at her. “Isn’t it obvious I’d have to be lonely to think I’m in love with a fake person?”
“He’s hardly a fake person,” she points out, needling me on a technicality.
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m not sure I do.” She leans in toward me, looking at me with new eyes, like when you pull up your couch cushion and discover you’vebeen living with lint and popcorn kernels underneath you the whole time.
“I should know better,” I sigh. “This is clearly some sort of projection that I’ve transferred onto an unavailable person so I don’t have to face the actual loneliness in my life and lack of a real relationship.”
She chuckles and looks at me the way you would a lost puppy. “Do you think being a therapist precludes you from having the same emotions everyone else does?”
“No,” I counter. “But I should be able to see it more clearly and stop myself from being destructive.”
“Maybe,” she says, looking around like she’s trying to decide something. “Maybe. But I’m not so sure we should expect that much of ourselves. If we could, every therapist you know wouldn’t also be in therapy.”
“Touché,” I reply softly.
“Can I ask what happened today that made it necessary for you to tell me?”
I nod. And then I stand up and pace around the room. Her office is pretty sparse, so it certainly makes for good pacing. Two chairs, a lot of ferns, and a big rug are all she has. No knickknacks to distract or bookshelves to fill the space.
“I’ve been thinking about loneliness because that’s what my column is about this week,” I explain. I’m still pacing, and I don’t look at Ari. Maybe this will be easier to explain if I’m in motion. “The person who wrote in asked about loneliness in relationships—if we can have a partner and still feel lonely. And if wedofeel lonely in our relationship, is it necessarily the wrong one to be in. I got ...” I pause. “I was a little personal in my response. Since I’m anonymous, I sometimes include details about myself because I think it can speak to the broader issue for more than just the person writing in.”
“I like that about your writing,” Ari says.
I appreciate the confidence, but I still don’t look at her as I keep talking, the explanation easier if I keep up the momentum. “I admitted,in my response, that I’vealwaysfelt lonely in every relationship I’ve been in. And it’s been a major reason why I was always sure those relationships weren’t right.”
“Vulnerability is hard for you,” Ari says, years of our therapy work condensed into a single sentence.
“Yes, but that’s kind of the point. We don’t need to geteverythingfrom one person, but a true partnership shouldn’t ever feel lonely because you should naturally be yourself in it. Vulnerability is the antidote to loneliness. If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, there’s some part of you that’s holding back. So my advice was to either try to open up to the partner or—if that feels impossible—to let the relationship go.”
“And then what happened with your copyeditor?” Ari’s not going to let me get bogged down in explaining my column when I’m avoiding the point.
But I keep pacing and take a moment to consider my answer, because frankly I don’t even know how to explain it to myself yet.
