“Ya did no such thing.” He was quick to cut her off. “McClean sacrificing himself had nothin’ to do with what he thought ya felt for him and everything to do with how he felt about you.”
For the span of half a dozen heartbeats, she was quiet. Then, she admitted hoarsely, “Honestly, I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”
“It makes it so all you should ever feel is grateful.” He brushed a hand over the back of her head, marveling at the silky softness of her hair. It had mostly dried and was only damp near her scalp. “I feel so grateful to him.” And then, before he could stop them, words he had no intention of ever uttering popped right out of his mouth. “I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I can’t imaginemyworld without you in it.”
He felt her stiffen in his embrace. Heard her breath hitch.
He’d said too much.Revealedtoo much.
She scooted back so her nose was no longer pressed against his neck. Her dark eyes narrowed as she rubbed a shaky hand over the wetness on her cheeks.
Even with the swelling and the bruise, she was beautiful.Morebeautiful because, without the mask of cat-eye mascara and her usual fire-engine-red lipstick, he could seeher. Therealher. The young, sad,hurtingher.
He wasn’t sure what he expected her response to be to his ill-timed admission, but it certainly wasn’t her asking, “Will you kiss me, Fish?”
The request blew through him with the force of an H-bomb. His lungs collapsed. His head exploded. And he wouldn’t have been surprised to feel his heart stop beating.
Before he had time to respond, she continued, “Will you make me forget all this death and remind me what it means to be alive?”
She wants you! The posh, sophisticated Eliza Meadows wantsyou,a lowly Louisiana boy who barely has a pot to piss in. Quick! Kiss her before she changes her mind!
Had he mentioned that along with the better angels of his nature he sometimes dealt with the worser devils who also inhabited his psyche? They’d been bigger influences in his life when he’d been younger. Age and wisdom had taught him to ignore them.Mostly.
He should ignore them now.
Lordy,he didn’t want to. He’d been waiting four long years for her to ask him that exact question.
Luckily, his better angels chose that moment to pipe up.Isn’t this a curious about-face? She’s always assured you she’d rather eat mud than take you up on your myriad offers to get her naked. So what’s changed?
He knew the answer, of course. It was as plain to see as the nose on his face.
She’d been witness to a massacre. She’d lost a man she liked and respected, even if she hadn’t loved him. She was suffering under a mountain of survivor’s guilt. And this was her reaction to all of that.
Which meant…if he did as she asked, she’d probably regret things in the morning.
So what if she does? That’s on her. She’s a grown-ass woman free to make her own decisions.
Okay, so that was a good point.
Don’t do it. She’s raw, exposed. You’ll be takin’ advantage of her vulnerability. And that’s a line that can’t be uncrossed.
Damnit, that was a good point too.
“Eliza, I…” His voice trailed off as he struggled to find the right words. He was torn between what he wanted—what he’dbeenwanting since the moment he clapped eyes on her—and what he believed was right.
In the end, there was a clear winner in the war the angels and devils waged within him, and he found himself squaring his shoulders and blowing out an unsteady breath.
She wouldn’t welcome what he had to say, but it was better to deny her in her hour of need than be the sonofabitch who took advantage of the situation.
“I’ve wanted to kiss ya since the first moment I saw ya, doll f—I meandarlin’.” He chose his words carefully. “But now that you’ve opened the door on the possibility, I just can’t make myself step through. It wouldn’t be right.”
She blinked as if she couldn’t believe her ears. He couldn’t blame her. He was having trouble believing he’d actually said the words.
Damn you, better angels!He shook an imaginary fist in the air.
“Why not?” Her voice was soft and full of confusion.
“’Cause I don’t know if you’ll regret it in the mornin’. And all the reasons you’ve had for keepin’ me at arm’s length for the last four years are still there. Ya said it yourself. Ya want what the others here have. True love. True partnership. And when it comes to those things, I’m not the one, so....”
