She laughed softly. But her humor was short-lived. “See, when I say it’s easy, I want to smile.” She gestured to her own face before pointing at his. “But when you say it, you can’t help but frown.”
As if on cue, his frown deepened. “I haven’t liked a woman, notlikeliked a woman since Lily. Andlikeliking you made me feel disloyal to her.”
About halfway through that last sentence, she lost the ability to focus on his face. She was too distracted by the bear trap that’d caught her heart in its metal teeth and clamped down tight. She’d homed in on one word. “Made,” she asked. “As in, past tense?”
His gaze held hers prisoner, so there was no way to escape the truth in his eyes.
“Ah.” That one word shot out of her again. “I see.”
Shedidsee. But what she didn’tknowwas what it meant for them? Where did it leave them?
Does it leave us anywhere at all?
“You’re right. My head is throbbing like a bad tooth.” He grimaced when he lifted a hand to his scalp. Then he pushed to a stand so quickly, she nearly gave herself whiplash watching him rise.
He moved to the sink. And after wetting a washcloth, he carefully dabbed at his scalp. Once he finished cleaning his wound, he rummaged around in the medicine cabinet until he found the bottle of Tylenol. Shaking a few tablets into his palm, he tossed back his head and dropped the pills into the back of his throat.
It was only after that that he met her searching gaze.
“Should I have kept that to myself? It’s definitely not the sexiest thing to admit to a potential lover.” He tried to lighten the atmosphere by making a face. “That you like them but you feel guilty for it.”
It wasn’t what she’d expected to hear. And it certainly wasn’t what shewantedto hear. Because if he couldn’t get over the past, how could he possibly have a future with her?
Of course, she couldn’t say any of that to him. Before she started talking about a future, she’d need to admit she loved him. And how could she do that now that she knew he was struggling with the mere thought oflikingher?
Her smile was shaky, but she made sure her tone was as irreverent as his. “Eh. It’s par for the course, right? When are things ever simple? When do they turn out the way we want them to? I mean, really?” She used the edge of the tub to shove upright. “This whole day has been a shining example that nothing goes as planned, don’t you think?”
She’d neverplannedto be the daughter of a mobster. She’d neverplannedto lose her only sister and best friend to a homemade bomb. And she’d certainly neverplannedto be unmarried and childless at thirty-three years of age.
She was suddenly tired. The kind of tired he’d described. And she had an overwhelming urge to break down and cry.
He cocked his head. “Since when did you become the pessimist? You’re usually the one assuring all the rest of us that everything’s going to be okay. That for every problem there’s a solution.”
“And what’s the solution to you feeling guilty for liking me?”
His eyebrows dipped into a V. “Does therehaveto be a solution? I mean, it’s my issue, right? It doesn’t affect you, does it?”
Yes!She wanted to scream.It affects me because Iloveyou, damnit! Because I want to build a life with you! And there’s no way for us to do that if you’re wracked with guilt!
Instead she shrugged. “I suppose not.” Lifting her chin and hating that the move felt wobbly, she added, “I’m going to go back to Mason and Alex’s room. I need some peace and quiet to calm my nerves. I keep feeling Jace’s pistol pressed against my head. Smelling blood in the air. Seeing Fin’s dead eyes staring up at me.” She shuddered.
Doc’s expression fell. “Shit, Cami. I’m sorry. I didn’t think to ask you how you were holding up. I know that scene in there”—he waved a hand in the general direction of the room at the end of the hall—“was beyond awful. But you handled it like such a champ that I didn’t think…” He trailed off before quickly picking back up. “I just didn’t think. I should have. I’m sorry,” he said again. “Is there anything I can do?”
When he stepped forward to wrap a tender hand around her upper arm, she knew his squeeze was meant to be comforting. But it only brought her closer to cracking.
“No.” She waved a hand, hoping the gesture looked unconcerned. “I’ll be okay. I just need to get small and still and process.”
He ran a hand back through his hair. “I should go check on the patients. But afterward, I can…” Again, he trailed off. And again, he was quick to pick back up. “If you want, I’ll come to you after I’m finished.”
I only want you to come to me if you can do it wholeheartedly, her heart and soul cried out in unison.
But even though she prided herself on being an honest woman, she couldn’t make herself voice the thought aloud. Instead she said, “If you want to.”
Before he could respond, she wrenched open the bathroom door and stepped into the hallway.
She was glad it was dark. It meant he couldn’t see the tears glistening in her eyes when she turned back to him after he poked his head out of the bathroom and called her name.
“Are we okay?” The tenor of his deep voice was tentative.
