An anvil attached itself to her heart, dragging the organ down from her throat and causing it tothudinto the bottom of her stomach.
“I always thought...if only. If only I’d come when he called, if only I’d done my duty by him, if only I’d been a little less selfish that night, I could’ve stopped him.” She could tell Romeo had something to say about that because he opened his mouth, but she lifted a hand and quickly continued. “And all that guilt and self-loathing, all that shame and self-recrimination made me a coward. It made me run. Run away from Chicago because the city reminded me of my brother. Run away from friendships because I didn’t feel I deserved anyone’s understanding or companionship. Run from job to job because I didn’t feel I deserved a home. Run away from relationships because I didn’t feel I deserved love.”
“Mia—” he said, and she blurted the rest of it before he could sidetrack her.
“But I’mtiredof running. I’m asking for your friendship and understanding. I’m asking for your love. I’m asking you to be my home, Spiro.”
She bit her lip, waiting for him to answer. When he didn’t, she realized he was waiting for her to give him the go ahead. “I’m done. Please say something,” she said shakily.
“Yes,” he replied simply. “To all of that.”
She hadn’t realized she’d been worried about his answer until she heard it. The wave of relief that washed over her was tsunami-level. She choked on a loud, watery-sounding sob.
Her arms were around his neck in the next instant. When he grunted, she remembered he was still recovering from agunshot wound to the chest! Dear god!And she quickly pulled back. “I’m so sorry.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks, wincing as her eyes pinged down to the outline of the bandage visible beneath his T-shirt.
“Never apologize for hugging me, woman.” His voice was gruff, as if he was battling to keep his emotions in check. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. You love me and you want to try for forever. Is that right?” She could see the hesitation in his eyes, as if he was afraid to hope too much.
Another watery sob escaped her. She hated that she’d ever given him a reason to doubt her. And she vowed then and there to never do anything to ever make him doubt her again. “Yes. That’s what I’m saying.”
His eyes grew overly bright until one lone tear slipped from the corner of his eye and traveled down his tan cheek. “Thankgod.”
This timehewas the one to throw his arms aroundher. And for long moments, they stayed that way. Not kissing. Not caressing. Just hugging.
Hugging like friends.
Hugging like lovers.
Hugging like two people who hadn’t gotten enough hugs in life.
When he finally pulled back, he cleared his throat and wiped the wetness from his face. “Sowhatchanged?” he asked again. “Why can you tell me all of this now, but you couldn’t tell me that night in the hospital?”
She blinked and realized she’d somehow skipped over the part where she revealed shewasn’tthe one responsible for the overdose or Andy’s mental illness or his suicide. She’d left out the most important piece and yet he still wanted her. Stilllovedher.
Things gotreallysoggy then.Shegot really soggy.
We’re talking ugly crying. Red face. Full-body sobs. Probably a little snot.
She wasn’t sure how she got there, but suddenly she was in his lap. He rocked her gently and smoothed her hair, murmuring soft words in Spanish as she cried her eyes and her heart out.
Even though she wasn’t the monster she’d always thought she was, she still wasn’t sure she deserved this man. This man who was so generous and forgiving. This man who was so kind and compassionate.
I may not deserve him,she thought,but I’m going to try the rest of my life,workthe rest of my life, to be worthy of him.
It took her a long time to run dry. But eventually—thankfully—she did. And even though she knew her face was a mess, she pushed back so she could see his eyes when she told him, “Thank you. Thank you for loving me even though I haven’t even told you that I’mnotthe one responsible for what happened.”
He frowned. “I know you’re not. I mean, I don’tcareif you say you knew your mother’s pills weren’t candy. You were seven, and shetoldyou they were. And since you aren’t to blame for the overdose, how could you possibly be blamed for your brother’s illness? And since you aren’t to blame for his illness, how could you possibly be blamed for his death?”
He grabbed her face, his gaze holding on to hers with magnetic force. “You know when I told you that you deal with trauma by feeling responsible for it?” She nodded. “Well, I’d like to double down on that.”
“You’re right.” She sniffed, wiping a hand under her nose. “And maybe I’ll be able to work on that now that I know it was my mother. It wasallmy mother.”
When a line appeared between his eyebrows, she told him about her reclaimed memories of the night of the fundraiser. About her mother throwing away Andy’s suicide letter. About everything. And that time, she managed not to leave anything out.
“Andy lived for me long after he’d stopped wanting to live,” she whispered. “And I dedicated my life to him. But all his anguish and suffering can be laid at my mother’s feet. I’m not the monster.Sheis.”
When she was done, he simply stared at her. Then he pulled her in for another hug and whispered in her ear. “My poor, sweetcariña. I am so sorry for everything you’ve suffered.”
She gave him a trembling smile. But what it lacked in stability, it made up for in pure, unfettered joy. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.Freerthan I’ve ever been. Because now I know I can have you.”
