I point to the west wall, remembering too late it’sthewall.
Leave it to Maggie to know what to say to make light of the situation. “Are you sure about that?” She lifts a teasing eyebrow. “If you put a mirror against that wall, you won’t be able to putScarletagainst it.”
I try to chuckle, but it sounds more like I’m choking.
“Maggie…” Her name feels at home in my mouth. Probably because it’s branded upon my heart. “I’m sorry you saw—”
“Hush.” She’s quick to cut me off. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.Ishould be the one apologizing toyou. Anytime poor Scarlet comes over, she’ll probably be scared to death some crazy lady will come bursting through the front door uninvited.”
“No chance of that,” I assure her. “Scarlet won’t be coming back.”
She covers her mouth. “Oh no! I ruined it for you, didn’t I? Cash, I’m so—”
“You didn’t ruin a damned thing,” I interrupt before she can apologize again. “It was me. It’s always me.”
Her eyebrows pinch together. “Why? Don’t you like her? I don’t know her all that well, but she’s always seemed nice. And I know she’s smart. She has her own CPA firm on Magazine Street. Plus, she’s really pretty and—”
“I like her fine,” I interrupt again before she can list any more of Scarlet’s glowing attributes. “But she’s…” I can’t say,But she’s not you.I can’t say,Forget everything I’ve said since I’ve been back and love me. Please, Maggie, love me.So instead, I say, “She’s too good for me. I’m not fit for nice, smart, pretty women.”
To prove my point, I pull out my flask and uncap it.
Maggie quietly studies me until I begin to squirm under her inspection. “Any particular reason you’re looking at me like I’m a bug under a microscope?”
“You try to make us all think you’re this macho, macho man, but underneath all your bullcrap and bluster, you’re really a nice guy.”
I make a face. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
“I’m serious, Cash.” She squeezes my knee, and the warmth of her palm seeps past my jeans. “And in case I haven’t told you, I’m so happy you came back home. Even if you did break my heart a little by saying we can only be friends.” She winks to let me know she’s teasing.
“What if I said I take that back?”
I don’t know who’s more surprised by the question, me, or her.
Tonight, my bullcrap and bravado have deserted me, and all I’m left with is fear, heartbreak, and a gnawing desperation. Would it be so bad to be a little selfish? Don’t I deserve some happiness and comfort?
“Are you serious?” Her voice is higher than usual.
I am. And I’m not.
Dammit! This gets harder every day.
“Nah.” I shake my head, what little sanity I have left returning. Thank you, Saint Roch! “We’re better off as friends. But if I’m being honest, therearedays I wish I’d waited untilafterprom to run off and join the army. Would’ve loved to see you in that dress. Luc told me you looked like a dream.”
“I don’t know about that,” she demurs. Then, after a moment of silence, she adds, “You realize if you’d stayed, you would’ve been my first. Instead, it was Randy Barker.” She makes a face. “And not that I’m complaining or anything—Randy was super sweet—but neither of us knew what the heck we were doing, and it ended up being a total disaster. I’m surprised it didn’t put me off the act for life.”
Her attempt to lighten the mood falls flat. The thought of her with another man makes something deep inside me ache like someone shoved a hot poker into my gut. Still, I try to play along. “Not Randy Barker of freshman year study hall, surely.”
Her eyebrows arch. “You’ve been reading my letters.”
“Correction.” I lift a finger. “I’vereadyour letters. All 365 of them.”
“Yeah.” She wrinkles her nose. “Sorry about that. I had a lot of feelings and emotions to work through back then. But Ididwarn you when I gave them to you.” She lifts a finger. “If you’ll recall, Isaidyou should probably chuck them straight into the trash.”
“I loved every word,” I assure her. And I did. Even though some of them made my throat hurt like I’d swallowed a shard of glass. “But back to me being your first. Maggie, you have to know, not having sex with you was the best sex I ever had.”
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” she asks with a snort of laughter.
“No.” I shake my head, but stop when it makes me dizzy. “I mean, yes. Not having sex with you means that what you and I shared will stay true and pure forever.”
