Conversation, she told herself as her breathing increased slightly. Talk about something normal and maybe he won’t notice the sexual tension in the air.
“What sent you into the army?” she asked.
“I didn’t want to go to college. I liked sports, but I wasn’t a big fan of school. I wanted to see the world.”
“Did you?”
He picked up a cookie. “I saw a lot of places I didn’t want to see.”
“Is that where you met your wife?”
He bit into the cookie and chewed. “No. She and I had dated in high school. We married right before I enlisted.”
It sounded so normal. A guy marrying his high school sweetheart. Ashley looked at Jeff and frowned. She couldn’t imagine a moment of it. “You two were pretty young,” she said.
“Agreed. Too young. I’d signed up for four years. From day one I knew I’d found where I belonged. I was sent into special operations almost right away. Nicole and I had thought we would be together after boot camp, but that didn’t happen. They didn’t allow dependents in the places I went, so we were apart more than we were together. That was hard on both of us.”
“Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances,” she pointed out, trying not to notice the intimacy of the night. The overhead light illuminated the table, but the rest of the kitchen was in shadows. Outside, the darkness was silent. There weren’t even any cars driving by.
“Things changed,” he said. “I had assignments that were...” He hesitated as if searching for the right word. “Challenging. I couldn’t talk about most of what I did, and what I could talk about she didn’t want to hear. After a while we stopped talking.”
Ashley knew he’d seen things she couldn’t even imagine. There were horrors in the world that no sane person would want to know about. But what of the people who had no choice but to live through those experiences?
“You changed,” Ashley said, making a statement rather than asking a question.
His gaze sharpened. “That’s what Nicole said.”
“Wasn’t she telling the truth? How could those circumstances not change you?”
“You’re right.” He stared into the distance, as if exploring his past. “In the end she decided it was easier to leave than to make the marriage work.”
“Do you regret that?”
“No.”
She wondered if he was telling the truth. “Accepting that a relationship isn’t going to work is really tough,” she said, then nibbled on a cookie. “I had to make that decision when I was married to Damian. When it was just the two of us, his irresponsibility didn’t seem like such a big deal, but after Maggie was born, it mattered more.”
She sipped her milk. “Some of the reason I resisted the truth was that I didn’t want to admit that I’d made a wrong decision. I’d been so sure he was the one. But within the first couple of months, I knew he wasn’t. Still, I tried to fix him. I tried to make him see that working hard at a good job was better than all his dreams about getting rich quick. I wanted the marriage to work.”
“Wanting isn’t always enough.”
She sighed. “I learned that one in spades. Finally I saw that the only person I could save was myself. Damian was getting involved in some scary stuff. I couldn’t risk that. I had a daughter to take care of. So I left and hoped he would save himself.”
She stared at the table, then began pushing around the cookie crumbs. “It’s like with my mom. After my sister was killed, Mom just lost it. Physically she was in the room, but her mind was somewhere else. I begged her to stay with me, to get better, but I couldn’t fix her or save her.”
Her throat tightened. She didn’t usually allow herself to think about her past—certainly not the time when she lost both her sister and her mother, albeit in different ways.
“You’re strong,” Jeff told her. “A lot of people would have cracked under the pressure, but you survived. That’s admirable. You kept your head and your sense of humor.”
His praise made her flush. “Yeah, well, sometimes that’s all I did have. At least until Maggie. Now she keeps me focused on what’s important. As long as we’re together we’ll be fine.”
“Your daughter is very lucky. I respect you, Ashley. I know this has been a difficult time for you. I won’t do anything to betray your trust in me.”
She looked up and met his steady gaze. Suddenly the room was filled with crackling electricity. She felt mesmerized and incapable of thinking for herself.
Jeff stood. Involuntarily she found herself doing the same. Her chest was tight. Her fingers began to tremble. As he moved around the table, she knew with a certainty that she couldn’t explain that he was going to kiss her. Right there in the kitchen. Her heart thundered, her breath came in gasps. Anticipation filled her as her breasts seemed to swell and that secret place between her legs grew damp.
Now, she thought desperately as he got closer. The world around them faded. There was only the night and the man.
