After the doctor had come and given her something to knock her out, Ava had stayed in her room for more than two days. Finally she’d gotten up but only to go into the baby’s room. She’d sat in the dark, holding the tiny clothes they’d already bought for their precious gift. She’d cried into them, her broken heart bleeding into her chest.
“It’s all come back,” she murmured. “That’s what makes this so difficult. I’m reliving that time again. I wasn’t prepared for that. You should have seen her. Shannon. She looks so much like Cindy.”
He smiled at her. “You mean she looks so much like you.”
She ducked her head. “She does.” She straightened. “Youknow I didn’t care about that. I wanted the connection with the birth mother.”
“Yes, I know that.”
“Victoria thinks I only wanted her because we look alike.”
“She’s wrong. When I go see her, I’ll tell her that.”
“I’m not sure she’ll listen to even you. She’s in a bad place.”
“This has been a shock for all of us,” he said.
“Maybe we should have told her about the other baby.” Although Ava wasn’t sure when the topic would have come up, and as her daughter had grown into a teen, well, calling their relationshipvolatilewas generous.
“She said I didn’t want her,” she admitted. “Not when we first got her. She said it was too soon.” She looked at him. “I didn’t think she would guess that.”
“Victoria can be intuitive, and it doesn’t take much of a leap to realize we would have been hurting over the loss of Shannon.”
“It was more than that. She knows we went looking for Cindy and her baby, while she was just handed to us.”
Almost literally, she thought. She’d been surprised when one of her regular maids had asked for a meeting. She’d been about seven months along. Ava had seen she was pregnant and was getting ready to talk about changing her duties to something less strenuous and asking whether or not she would be back after her maternity leave. But the young woman had tearfully explained her parents didn’t know about the baby. The father had run off and wanted nothing to do with her. Could Ava and Milton give her some advice on how to handle the situation? She wanted to give up her baby for adoption. Or were she and Milton interested in her child?
Ava’s first thought had been that no, she wasn’t. She didn’t want any random infant—she’d already given her heart only to have it shattered. But Milton had immediately seen the possibilities. Not only would they be helping someone, they would have the baby they’d always wanted. He’d convinced her toaccept the offer and had had their lawyer immediately draw up the paperwork.
But Ava had been afraid of another young woman changing her mind, so the second time she hadn’t let herself dream about the future. She’d held back, refusing to believe the adoption would go through. She’d barely thought about the impending birth until the day had arrived and the nurse had placed the tiny baby in her arms. But even then, she hadn’t been able to feel anything but sadness. The wall around her heart had been too thick for even those tiny cries to penetrate. It had been months until she’d felt the first flicker of genuine love for Victoria. A shameful truth she’d tried to conceal from everyone.
Only somehow, Victoria had sensed it. From the start, she’d responded more to Milton than to her. She’d resisted Ava feeding her, had cried in her arms, had refused to settle. In secret, Ava had researched failure to thrive and wondered if she was harming the child they’d waited so long to have.
Over time things had improved. She’d grown to love her stubborn, difficult, energetic little girl. But their bad beginning still haunted her, and seeing Cindy had brought back all the memories.
“I wasn’t ready,” she whispered. “She was a perfect little girl, and I wasn’t ready.”
“She wasn’t perfect,” Milton said cheerfully. “She was a horror. She never slept, she was colicky and she had those chronic ear infections. We didn’t sleep more than two hours at a time the entire first year. Even I wondered if we’d made a mistake.”
He was being kind because it was his nature, she thought with gratitude. And because he loved her.
“I let you down,” she added.
“Never.”
“I should have let go of the past more quickly than I did.”
“You feel what you feel.”
“Now I feel unsettled,” she admitted. “I can’t stop thinking about Cindy and Shannon. I have so many questions.”
“You need closure.”
She did, but getting it was impossible. “I wish we could just sit down and talk.”
“Why can’t we?”
She stared at him. “What are you suggesting? That I call Cindy and invite her and Shannon over to talk about the past?”
