“You’re saying I could have had a pony?” she teased.
“You could have had an entire stable.” She grabbed a tissue from the box on her desk and wiped her eyes. “That’s what I kept telling myself. If I didn’t give you to them, life would be hard for both of us. I wouldn’t be able to go to college. Dad was getting worse every year, and his disability check and veterans benefits didn’t go very far. We were already struggling. We couldn’t afford a baby.”
She sniffed. “Plus Ava loved you so much. She would talk about what it was going to be like when you were born. She runs a foundation. I never understood what it was, but she would be able to take off as much time as she wanted. She could work from home. She was sweet and grateful and hopeful, and she was there for me.”
More tears spilled down her cheeks. “She insisted I spend the weekend with her and Milton when it was my prom. Of course I didn’t go to the dance. I was weeks from giving birth and huge and so uncomfortable. Not just physically but emotionally. We had a girls weekend with mani-pedis, and weordered clothes for me to wear after you were born. Saturday night she arranged for us to have a private showing of a big blockbuster movie that hadn’t been released yet.”
Shannon was impressed. “That sounds amazing.”
“It was. It was perfect.” She ducked her head. “I never told her about the doubts. I never said a word. I laughed with her and let her think everything was fine, and it wasn’t.”
Shannon moved close and hugged her mom. Her mind couldn’t take in all she was hearing. There was too much to think about. Too much to try to understand.
Her mom drew back and blew her nose. “Then she and Milton went away for a last vacation before you were born.” She pressed her lips together, as if to hold in a sob. “I went into labor early, and she wasn’t there. They put you in my arms, and I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let you go.”
“Oh, Mom. I’m sorry. That must have been so hard. What happened when you told her?”
Her mother turned away. “I didn’t.” Her voice was a whisper.
“I don’t understand. How could you not tell her?”
“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face her.” She pressed a hand to her mouth as the tears flowed faster. “I felt so awful, but I was scared and dealing with you, and my dad was upset. He came around, of course, but no one thought I’d go back on my word.”
“Who told them?”
“That lawyer friend. I was so ashamed, and I was scared. I thought she’d try to take you away from me.”
“Did she?”
Cindy shook her head. “She came over and asked to speak to me, but I wouldn’t see her. My dad took all the gifts back to her and told her I wanted to be left alone. I never heard from her or saw her again. Until today.”
Shannon collapsed back in her seat. “Oh my God! No wonder you nearly fainted. I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this. I can’t believe we ran into her. Are you okay?”
“No. I’m a horrible person. Now you know the worst thing I’ve ever done.”
Shannon stood and pulled her mom to her feet, then hugged her tight. “You loved me so much, you gave up your whole future for me. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to make me think you’re horrible.”
“Thank you. You’re the best daughter ever.”
They hung on to each other for a few seconds before drawing back. Cindy wiped her face.
“It’s just that I would always think about the road not taken. Not so much for me but for you and Ava. She loved you so much, and I believe she would have been a wonderful mother. You would have had every opportunity. When you were little, money was tight, and everything was a struggle. You could have gone to private schools and the best college. You could have had everything.”
“You’re wrong,” Shannon told her as they took their seats again. “I had everything, Mom. I had you. You’ve always been on my side. You take care of me. Maybe a little too much, but you’re always there.”
It was Cindy’s nature, but Shannon wondered if a part of her attentiveness came from what she’d calledthe road not taken. That and guilt. Or was she being unfair? There was no way to know.
“Does Luis know?” she asked, thinking of her soon-to-be stepfather.
“About the adoption? I’m not sure. I told Gloria years ago when we were having one of our late-night talks.”
Shannon remembered the kindhearted woman Luis had been married to. She’d been wonderful, and they’d all loved her. Losing her had been devastating.
“She told you that you did the right thing,” she said. “She told you that you were my mom and loving me was never wrong.”
Cindy smiled. “You’re right. She was always so supportive.”Her mouth began to tremble. “In some ways, she reminded me so much of Ava.”
“Oh, Mom. It’s okay.”
