He makes a noncommittal sound and turns back to the horse. “Eat. You’ll feel better.”
The sad thing is, he’s probably right. Now that the food is in my hands, I can smell it, and I’mstarving. Mercy is stretching her neck out, reaching for the orange, her nostrils flaring as she whuffles for the fruit. I smile and duck under the tether lines to keep out of reach. “I’m sure Jax already gave you my apple,” I tell her.
“She asked nicely,” he says.
I take a few steps back from the horses so I can sit in the grass. Jax seems to hesitate, but then he drops his crutches in the grass and sits down beside me. The sky is darkening overhead, and several stars are already visible, gleaming among the purple and pink of the few clouds that linger. It’s warmer here than in Syhl Shallow, and now thatit’s late spring, we’ve begun to reach the days when I’m grateful for the fading sunlight, because it means the weight of leather and weapons won’t be such a burden.
He’s quiet while I eat, so I’m quiet, but I’m very aware of how close he is. Our knees are almost touching. I think of everything Rhen told me, the way he wanted to know if the soldiers have a problem with Jax being here. A tight knot of worry forms in my gut, joining the dozen others that never seem to loosen. The sky keeps darkening overhead, and we haven’t said anything in so long that I nearly jump when Jax’s fingertips brush over mine.
It’s just a faint touch, a light reminder that he’s here, and I look over to find his eyes sparkling like the stars. Everything we have together is new and untested, but he’s one of the few people I know whose presence always seems to . . . tounwindme. Sometimes, like now, I want to grab him so badly that it aches.
“You haven’t been sleeping either,” he says.
I don’t know what to say to that, so I shrug.
“You’re the King’s Courier. Surely you warrant a private tent.”
I scoff. “I’m not going to ask for a private tent. My reputation is already in the gutter.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Because of me.”
“What? No.”
“It’s all right. As I’ve said before, I know who you are. I know whoIam. The king told me there were tensions at court because of our . . . ? involvement.”
I go very still. A breeze cuts across the fields, slicing between us.
“When did he say that?” I finally ask.
“In Briarlock.” Jax looks at me as the shadows lengthen across the grass. “When he was asking me about Alek and everything he did. The king explained how you risked your role at court.”
“That wasn’t because of you, Jax.” I finish the last piece of dried beefand attack the orange peel a little too aggressively. “I mean—it was. But Alek made it seem like I was the one working with the Truthbringers, instead ofhim. He did it to get a target off his back. Grey shouldn’t have said that.”
If he were here right now, I’d be risking my role at court again, because we’d have words about it.
“I’ve hardly seen you these last few days.” Jax looks out at the sky, and his voice turns careful. “You asked for discretion before we left. I thought that might be why.”
Oh.I frown.
I remember the moment he’s talking about, when I pulled him into the shadows beside the forge on the morning we were due to leave. “We’ll be traveling with the prince and a handful of guards and soldiers,” I said to him, pressing my hand to the warmth of his cheek. “You’ve been given a new role, and I’ve been given new orders. I don’t know any of them well, but I do know how soldiers think. I don’t want rumors following us back to Ironrose Castle.”
He nodded, and I leaned in to kiss him—just as Prince Rhen’s soldiers rode into the tiny courtyard beside the forge and we were forced to break apart. It was the last time we shared more than a glancing touch.
Until this moment, I didn’t consider how my words would combine with Grey’s warnings to fill Jax’s head with doubt. I didn’t consider how my actions would lead him to think he’d done something wrong. I’ve spent days with my own thoughts so tangled up that I didn’t realize the same thing was happening to Jax.
I set down the orange and look at him, but his eyes are fixed on the stars.
“Jax,” I say softly.
“It’s all right. I understand.” He reaches for his crutches. “I likely shouldn’t be sitting with you in the grass for so long.”
I put a hand on his crutches and hold them there. “Stop,” I say softly.
He stops, but he’s not looking at me now.
“When I asked for discretion,” I say, “it was because I have a position at court, and I know how soldiers talk.” I roll my eyes a little. “And that was before we had a hundred of them to worry about.”
“I know.” He still hasn’t let go of his crutches, and they’re tight under my grip, like he’ll flee the instant I take my hand away. “And I might not speak the language, but it’s no secret that most of them resent me. I know you have to keep your distance.”
