The thought is jarring, and I freeze.
Because maybe I did. Maybe, for a fraction of a second, I allowed it to happen. Sephran is my friend, and loneliness has been clinging to me for weeks.
He speaks into my silence. “Silver hell. When you told me to stop, I stopped.” He grimaces, then scowls, abashed. “But you kept looking at me, and then you put your hand on my arm, and—” He makes a frustrated sound. “I’msorry, Jax. I’m sorry I got confused in the middle there. But I don’t think I was confused in the beginning.”
These words get a little tangled up, and I wish I couldn’t figure them out, but I can. A chill of regret washes over me. I can’t decide which part of this is the worst. Did I betray Tycho? Myself? Or is Sephran to blame? Have I lost one of the only friends I have here?
And if Tycho weren’t constantly leaving, wouldanyof this have happened?
The thought makes me feel cold inside. I’ve been watching for him for weeks.Waitingfor weeks. Maybe it’s not his fault, but as usual, it’snot mine either. I can’t decide if that makes me feel more angry—or more guilty. Either way, a flush has crawled up my neck. I turn away from Sephran and head for the horses. “I must return to the Shield House.”
He follows me. “Stop. Talk to me. I want to understand. Is there someone else?”
I’ve reached Teddy, and the question forces me still. I put my hand against the horse’s shoulder, and I remember Tycho’s last night here, the way the king’s orders frustrated him to the point that he fell against me, his emotion choking both of us. He was angry and resentful and miserable in his duties.
And still, he left.
“Yes,” I say to Sephran. I turn and look at him. “There is Tycho.”
It’s the first time I’ve said it toanyone, and after so long and so much buildup, I expect a reaction.
But Sephran just sighs, and there’s a rueful note to it that I can’t quite figure out. “The King’s Courier.”
“Yes.”
He scoffs and looks away. “Malin thought so, but I didn’t believe it.”
That gets my attention, and I frown, unsure if I understood. “Why not believe?”
“Why?He’s been gone forweeks, and you haven’t had word.”
“You have had no word from Malin.”
“Because he’s a soldier. He has to follow orders. He’s not an attendant to theking. The whole time we traveled here, Lord Tycho hardly evenlookedat you.”
These words are twisting up in my gut. “He had reasons,” I say.
Sephran scoffs again. “If you say so.”
I scowl and turn back to the horse, then swing onto Teddy’s back.
Sephran grabs the rein, then puts a hand on my boot.
My thoughts are too scrambled up, and it reminds me too much of what Niall and Brinley did. That spark of fear in my gut hasn’t fully gone out. “Let go,” I snap.
He raises his hands in surrender, but his eyes are full of righteous anger. “All right,look. You might hate me right now, but I know how lonely you are. I’veseenit. Do you understand all this, Jax? Do you understand what I am saying to you?”
My jaw is set, and I look away.
But I understand every word.
“I was wrong,” he says. “I shouldn’t have done that. And Iamsorry. Butyoushouldn’t waste your time pining away for some asshole who dragged you away from home and left you here to wait for him.”
The words take my breath away. I don’t know what to say.
Sephran swears and begins to untether his own horse.
I still haven’t moved.
