TheDawn Chaser.
My stomach clenches. Even from here, I can see the gaping hole in the deck where a cannonball ripped through the wood, tearing Corrick away from me. Sending him and Lochlan into the water forever.
As soon as I recognize it, a gasp breaks free of my throat.
Oh, I can’t do this. I can’t. As much as I love Kandala, and as much as I want to do the right thing for everyone, the sorrow is too overwhelming. My knees are in danger of buckling. I press a hand to my abdomen, because my stomach clenches again.
But then my fingers brush that dagger, and the steel is cold against my fingertips.
Mind your mettle.
It’s like Corrick’s voice is there in my head, cool and stabilizing, and I hold my breath against all that emotion. My entire body is tense, my stomach rolling, but I force back the tears, and they obey.
“Tessa.”
Rian speaks from behind me, his voice full of surprise. The fact that he came out himself is so startling that I whirl around. He’s striking in the sunlight, his black hair and tan skin and broad shoulders making him as eye-catching as he was when I first met him as Captain Blakemore. After the signs of battle and all the guards, I expected to find arrogance in his eyes and pride in his stance. I really did expect to find an adversary, someone ready to fight with me.
But hedoesn’tlook ready to fight, and I hate it. I hate that he looks as kind and thoughtful as he did on board his ship. I hate that he looks like he cares that I’m here, that he’srelievedthat I’m here. I hate that his eyes are full of concern and worry.
I hate that he looks like a man who is rather desperately trying his best to do the right thing in impossible circumstances.
And I hate that the instant I see him, I’m reminded that Corrick might have seemed like an adversary in the beginning—but he was doingexactlythe same thing.
My face must be full of tumultuous emotion, because Rian frowns, then looks past me at the harbor to see what I was looking at. He must see theDawn Chaserbobbing against the dock, because when his eyes snap back to mine, his expression softens with knowing concern, and he pulls open the gate. “Tessa. I’ve been so worried about you. Please—please. You must understand—”
“To be clear,” I choke out, my voice shaking with a combination of tears and rage, “I willneverunderstand.”
Then I draw that dagger, and I lift my hand.
He’s too quick, of course. He catches my wrist, deflecting my blow. It brings us closer, which isn’t better. But he glances at the weapon, and then at my face.
I suck in a breath, intending to scream at him. To chastise him. To cry on him. I don’t know. All I keep seeing is that damaged ship, the scorch marks on the sails, the memory of the cannonball smashing through the planks.
All I keep remembering is Corrick on the deck one moment, and gone from my life in the next.
Again.
I choke on a sob. My fingers have gone slick on the dagger, but I still have a tight grip.
“Let her go,” Rocco says sharply.
Rian glances at him, and then at my white knuckles clutching the dagger. “I will if she drops the weapon.”
I don’t. May stomach is roiling, and I’m so angry. So sad. So full of burning rage at the man in front of me. But the guards havemoved in closer, and I keep thinking of Rocco saying,If they want us dead, we will be.
“Tessa,” Rian whispers. “Please. You don’t want to do this. I know you don’t.”
It’s the same thing I said to him when he was going to kill Rocco on board his ship.
I hate you, I think. But I can’t even say that. I said it to Corrick so many times, and the words are too wrapped up in my grief. A grief so strong that it twists up my insides and wrings me out until I can’t see straight.
I shouldn’t have come here. I don’t know how to do this.
I let go of the dagger, and it clatters to the stones at our feet. He lets me go.
It takes everything I have to keep my hands to myself, because I want to fly at him. I want to tear him to pieces. I know there are things we need, but I want to be away from here, because I don’t know if I can stand to look at him for one more second.
I inhale to say that, but instead, I open my mouth and throw up on his feet.
