Our voices have gone a bit sharp, and our gazes match. The reminder of the way we met has shifted the conversation again, and I wish I hadn’t mentioned it.
“That day you broke my arm,” he says, “I thought you’d have the guards kill me right there. That consul was telling you to.”
I remember that.
I want him dead, Allisander was saying.
He will be, I said.But I can’t kill him twice.
“It was his mistake to get so close,” I say. “I only broke your arm to get you to stop.”
That’s true, but his eyes are piercing like he doesn’t fully believe me. Our conversation has twisted and turned in a way that keeps making me want to squirm. The air between us goes so silent forso long that I can hear people out on the street, vendors calling their wares.
When Lochlan finally speaks, his voice is very quiet. “You want to know what I think? On the day we escaped your execution, I think you wanted it to happen. I think you were relieved.”
It’s not at all what I expected him to say, and my heart thumps. “No.”
He leans in. “You’relying.”
I wonder if he wants me to be lying. I hold his eyes, and I keep my voice even. “I’m not.”
“I saw you with Ford.I saw you.You don’t want to do any of this.” He shifts closer. “When we captured you and Tessa in the Wilds, you kept telling me all the times youwishedyou had killed me. But every single time, you didn’t do it.”
My mood darkens at the reminder. Lochlan kept jabbing me with a crossbow, threatening her life every time he threatened mine. “Oh, I wanted to then, I promise you.”
“But you didn’t kill me. You were relieved that we got away. You wanted us to escape. Youtraitor.”
“Can I kill you right now?”
“Admit it!”
“I can’t, because it’s untrue.”
He slaps the table. “You were! You wanted us to escape so you wouldn’t have to do your job! Admit it.”
“No! Because you’re wrong!” I shout. “Where’s the relief, Lochlan? Where? You think Sallister was bad after you punched him in the face? You should have heard himafteryou escaped. You should have heardallof them! I’m the King’s Justice. Your escape wasn’t a relief at all! It meant I was going to have to hunt you down. It meant I was going to have to order your deathagain.” This time I slap thetable. “After your calls for revolution, they wanted me to make itworse.”
He jerks back like I’ve hit him.
“You know it, too,” I growl. “Or was there someotherspoiled prince you were going to execute on the night you captured me?”
His eyes are dark and haunted in the afternoon shadows.
“You think I didn’t want to release every single prisoner in the Hold? Icouldn’t. There’s never any relief for me,” I snap. “Not ever.”
“There’s never any relief for us either!”
“I know!” I cry. “You don’t think I know? Why do you think I was Weston Lark atall?”
His chest is rising and falling rapidly. So is mine.
I force my hands to unclench, and when I can speak again, my voice is deadly quiet. “I truly care about the people of Kandala. I try to be as fair as I can. I try to bejust. You were already sentenced to death for smuggling. That’s why I didn’t retaliate for what you did to Sallister. That’s why I don’t care if people swear at me in the Hold. The cruelty is an illusion. Because you’re right: I don’t want to do any of it.” I pause. “But who else is there?”
It’s a rhetorical question, but he runs a hand across his jaw and seems to consider it anyway. There’s no good answer, though, and he seems to come to the same realization. We fall into silence again, but any amicability between us seems to have evaporated. Maybe it can never really exist for very long. We’ll tolerate each other until we manage to get out of here, and then that will be it.
But he drains his glass and sits back in his chair. When he speaks, his voice is very low, quiet and rough. “My little brother used to call me Lolly.”
I look over. “You have a brother?”
