But then I say, “Truly. Did he know?”
“No. I never said a word.”
“Why?”
“I considered it many times.Manytimes. Far too complicated.For as much as I love Corrick as a friend, he would ultimately feel an obligation to tell you—and I don’t believe it would have been received well.” He pauses, his eyes holding mine. “Am I wrong?”
I look back at him, and I’m not sure what to say.
He’s not wrong.
Shame heats my cheeks. I feel like a boor, and I have to look away. “Forgive me, Quint.”
He touches my chin, dragging my gaze back. “Every action you take is subject to scrutiny and judgment, and regardless of any longing I might have noticed, I knew this was something you didn’t share with anyone. As I said, I considered it at great length. It would have done no good. Telling Corrick would have compromised my position as Palace Master, my friendship with him, and possibly even his relationship with you. You would’ve felt cornered and exposed, and I would’ve been out of a job.”
All very likely true. I study him. “So you would have kept this to yourself . . . forever?”
“Until you kissed me like it would save your life? Yes. I would’ve taken it right to the grave.”
There’s something a bit sad about that. But maybe that was the point to all his lectures last night. How much time I’ve wasted. How I’ve been keeping the same kind of secrets, to the detriment of myself. I swallow heavily.
“Oh, it wasn’tthatbad,” Quint says. He takes hold of my hand and weaves our fingers together. “I was by your side all the same.”
He says this offhandedly, but emotion punches me right in the chest, and I grip tight to his fingers.
He lifts our joined hands and holds mine against his face. “You saidyounever told Prince Corrick either.”
“No.” I hesitate. “Last night, when I saidnever into the palace,you asked about it. I used to sneak out with Corrick when I was a teenager.”
Quint nods. “He once told me that’s what gave him the means to sneak out as Weston Lark. He said you knew all the old spy tunnels and access points—” He breaks off and gasps, then turns to face me, his eyes gleaming with intrigue. “Do you mean you used to sneak out without him? You had a secret paramour?”
“Your eagerness for gossip is concerning.”
He all but bounces on his knees. “Your lack of it is boring. Tell me!”
“Well, Ialwaystook Corrick with me. If I left him behind, he never would’ve forgiven me.” I smile fondly, remembering it. We used to sprint through the palace gardens, racing for the entrance to the tunnels until I thought my lungs were going to give out. “But sometimes . . . ?sometimes I would encourage him to explore, or join a lively card game, or some other distraction that might buy me an hour to myself. Because there was a boy I’d met, a night watchman at a stable on the edge of the Wilds . . .”
My voice trails off, but I’m certain my meaning is clear.
“And Corrick was unaware?”
“I certainly wasn’t going to tell my thirteen-year-old brother that he could find me hiding behind a barn, unlacing the trousers of a stable boy.”
I expect that to make him laugh, but instead, Quint looks a little sad. He’s not bouncing on his knees now, and he leans forward to kiss me.
“What’s that for?” I say.
“For as close as you two are, the number of secrets you keep from each other is maddening. All this time, I thought he was the one hiding his torment from you.”
I frown, considering that. “I never thought of myself as tormented. It was all very fleeting, never serious. I knew it could never go anywhere, as the boy had no idea who I was. But I used to imagine escaping the palace, remaining in the Wilds forever, living as a stable boy myself. I’d lie awake at night and dream of it, what it would be like to be surrounded by horses and fresh air instead of angry consuls and endless meetings. I think I was more in love with the idea ofthatthan anything else.”
Quint is studying me. “Escaping, Your Majesty.”
Fine. Maybe I was tormented.
I heave another sigh. I’ve lingered long enough, and if I keep chasing this emotion, I’ll end up nowhere good. I kiss Quint’s hand and let go. “It’s grown late. I need to dress. Since wedon’thave your books or my records or any of the consuls in front of us, I will question Sommer and make a determination of what to do with him. I also need to find out what Saeth’s wife knows. I’ll start there.”
“I’ll make an accounting of what they both say so you can compare for inaccuracies, in the event Sommer is lying—or Leah is.”
