I keep my eyes on the water and say, “Poor Kilbourne’s wife won’t even know what happened to him.” My throat threatens to tighten again, and I swallow. The guardsman was so excited to have a baby. He wanted to buy his wife a house. “Sara, right?”
He nods. “We’ll find a way back. I’ll tell her.”
I realize that Erik might have someone missing him just as much, and I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief that I haven’t even asked him. “What about you? Do you have a sweetheart waiting for you at home?”
He startles at that, then smiles just a little. “No. The pay is good in the palace guard, but the hours can be long. Duties are unpredictable, especially in service to the king. Secrets to be kept, lies to be told. The risk is high, especially in the last year. I’ve seen just asmany marriages end as I’ve seen start. Not the best way to begin a life with someone.”
I start to say that Kilbourne made it work—but maybe this is exactly the risk that Erik is talking about.
Erik shrugs. “Someone else is always a priority. I feel like that would just be a disappointment to a wife.”
“Well, that sounds lonely.”
His smile turns a bit wolfish. “I never said I waslonely.”
I gasp in surprise, then scoop up a handful of water and splash it at him. “Erik.”
He laughs—which makes me laugh.
But as soon as I hear the sound of my laughter, I choke it off, folding my hands against my belly.
Laughing feels like a betrayal. I don’t know why, but it does.
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until I begin to see stars.
Wood brushes my fingertips. “Your turn.”
I let out my breath in a rush, and it almost comes out like a sob. “What?”
Erik’s face fills my vision, and he’s pressing the oar handles against my knuckles. “Now, Miss Tessa. Let’s trade. You row.”
“Oh. Oh—all right.” I grab hold, and we switch seats. Tears might be rolling down my cheeks, but I struggle to lift the oars out of the water the way he showed me. I’m clumsy and we slow dramatically, but the boat moves alittle.
“I won’t be as fast as you were,” I say.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Are you in pain?”
He glances away from the water to say, “No. But you were.”
Well, that does it. I let go of the oars and press my hands to myface, because the tears are relentless. The sorrow and grief swell in me until I can’t contain them any longer.
The boat rocks as Erik shifts to sit beside me on the little bench. After a moment he puts an arm around my shoulders. It’s very kind, and very brotherly—but also a little awkward and stiff, especially when he actually pats me on the arm.
It’s so unexpected that it chases some of the emotion away. I swipe at my face and look at him. “Sorry.”
Erik pats me on the shoulder again, then sheepishly says, “No,I’msorry. I never know what to do with tears.”
I giggle and swipe at my face again. “I’m surprised you didn’t saythere, there.”
He smiles and shifts back to his own bench, then nods down at the oars, hanging from the notches that kept them hooked to the boat. “Row. You’ll feel better. Like I said, you need to move.”
I nod and take hold. My throat is threatening to close up again, so I force myself to talk. My voice is a little breathy, but I try to tease. “You never had to comfort all those girls who made sure you weren’tlonely?”
A light sparks in his eye, and he teases right back. “Maybe I never gave any of them a reason to cry.”
He wouldneverbe this forward in the palace. I feel like it’s revealing a whole side to the guardsman I never knew. “How old are you?” I say.
