“I just,” Adonis continued. “I just wanted to say some things. Is that okay?”
Bash’s mouth felt very dry. “Of course.”
“Okay. I’m going to try. I’m not always the best at saying what’s on my mind, especially when it’s about feelings. So if I ramble, I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” Bash managed to say.
Adonis began speaking very rapidly. “The last several months—this whole school year, really—have been a wild ride. It’s been very stressful, and sometimes very confusing, with school, the Olympics, and law school applications. All that stuff. People always told me that your senior year of college was hard, especially if you didn’t have a plan for your life. I thought I had a plan for my life, but really, it was my mom’s plan. Not mine. She had this idea of who she wanted me to be and what she wanted me to do after I graduated, and I figured I would go along with it because that’s what she wanted. I figured that would make her happy, and even if I wasn’t consciously trying to make her happy, I just felt like that was what I wassupposedto do. It didn’t make me happy, though. I know that your own happiness isn’t, like, the most important thing in the world. Or maybe it is. I don’t know what the philosophers have to say about that. But I wasn’t thinking about what would make me happy. I wasn’t thinking about whatIwanted.”
He took a breath, which sounded like a fuzz of static.
“But, you know what never felt complicated this year? What never felt confusing, or stressful, or like I was doing something for other people, instead of doing it for myself? That was you, Bash. What we have,thatalways felt right and natural and good. It always mademehappy.Youmake me happy, Bash.”
A small laugh from Adonis.
“And, I don’t know, I think that scared me for a bit. Because when someone else makes you happy, that means they could someday make you sad, right? And the thought of that fucking terrifies me. I don’t ever want to let someone else have the power to make me sad…but with you, well, I trust you. And I would give you that power willingly, because of how happy you make me. I don’t just mean when we’re hooking up, though that, obviously, makes meveryhappy. I just meanyou. I mean, when we’re talking, or when you cook me dinner, or when I have a bad day. Because—God, I know I’m rambling—, but when I have a bad day, I want to talk to you, because I know you’ll cheer me up, or have advice. When I have agoodday, I want to see you, because I want to share every good thing with you, and I know you’ll make them even better.”
Lotte was watching Bash more than she was watching the road. He waved his hand at her and pointed aggressively to the road. She rolled her eyes, but refocused on keeping them alive.
“Sorry,” Adonis continued, “I know I’m saying a lot at once, but I promise I’m almost done. I guess what I mean by saying all of this is that I want to break our rules. I have already broken our rules. I don’t want something with you that has no strings attached. I want all the strings. I want to be tied to you, completely. It scares the fuck out of me to say that, but it’s the truth.”
He paused, and it sounded like he was taking a shaky breath. “Okay. Emotional ramble is over.”
Bash stared at his phone screen, stunned.
“SAY SOMETHING,” Lotte mouthed aggressively.
“Adonis…” Bash began. “I…” How could he say that he wanted that, too? That this year had been set up to be one of the darkest of his life, with the injury and the stress of his father’s illness, but Adonis had filled it with light. That right now, he was unsure of so many things in the future, but the one sure thing was how he felt about Adonis.
He closed his eyes. “I think you are magnificent. And when I think I’ve seen how magnificent you are, I see more ways that you’re magnificent. You are beautiful, and you are smart, and you arekind, and you are talented, and your heart is so big that it constantly amazes me. I thought that I knew everything I wanted, but…but you changed that.”
Tears stung his eyelids.
“I…I don’t want this without strings, either. Fuck the rules, I say, and give me all the strings.”
He was crying, and he wiped aggressively at the tears on his cheeks.
“But, Adonis…with my father dead, my mother and the board of our family company want me to come back to Amsterdam after I graduate. They want me to come work for the company. They’ve told me I have to. I don’t even know if I have a future in the NHL after this year, after how little I’ve played, so there might notbea future with me in the United States. I’m not a citizen, and my student Visa won’t last much longer. I…I’m scared about what that could mean. There’s so much I don’t know, and I don’t want you to get trapped in that. You deserve someone who can be certain, who can be sure.”
“What are you saying?” Adonis whispered.
Lotte looked like she wanted to shout at Bash.
“They want me to finish my semester here, online,” Bash continued in a small voice. “I don’t have a lot of bargaining power here, unfortunately. It’s my family’s money—thecompany’smoney—that pays for my education. If I were to say no, I don’t know what my mother would do. What the board would do. They control me.”
He squeezed his eyes shut.
“I want to be with you, Adonis, but I don’t think I can,” he whispered, though saying the words made his heart ache.
There was silence for a long time on the other side of the phone. All he heard was the ragged sound of Adonis breathing.
“Okay,” Adonis said at last. “I understand.”
“I’m so sorry,” Bash whispered. He hated himself in that moment.
“It’s not your fault,” Adonis said, his voice cracking. “I just—I just wanted to make sure I said what I needed to say.”
“Thank you.” The tears threatened to overcome Bash. “I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could have said something different.”
