She laughs. “Carmen, this just proves how drunk you are. You can’t ride.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine.”
I step back from the bike, tilt my head, and walk beside her.
This is why I can’t tell the truth anymore. The things in my life sound almost unbelievable.
SIXTEEN
CHAOS
Play “Wait”- NF
Iam still here. I am still watching her. Now that I have tasted her, I can’t leave until I have her. She enjoys every second of it, like she knows it is me.
Catherine’s voice drifts up from below as I slip into my room. I press my back to the door and lock it. My breath leaves me in a slow rush as I drag the balaclava down from my face and push the hood off my head.
Nothing has changed.
The bed is still unmade, the sheets creased where I left them, like I only slept here last night. I cross the room and open the closet. My clothes hang where they always have, the same black shirts, the same smell still clung to them. On the top shelf, my old Halloween mask is still inside its plastic. No one touched it.
I pull it out.
The LED Purge mask stares back at me, black plastic with white neon Xs stitched over the eyes and mouth. The plastic around it looks like skin sewn shut. I set it on the table and step away.
My phone is still on the table where I left it. I pick it up. It’s dead. I slide the drawer open, grab the charger, and plug it in. The screen stays dark as I move toward the balcony, keeping close to the wall so she can’t see me.
She is in the garden below, holding an open book. The sunlight catches in her hair. Every few seconds, she looks up, her gaze moving toward my window, like she can feel me standing here.
The phone comes alive.
Messages flood the screen, and it starts buzzing on the table.
Shit.
I rush back and grab it, smothering the sound with my sleeve.
After the buzzing fades. I unlock it.
It’s only her.
Message after message, stacked on the screen, a trail of thoughts she kept sending like I was still here.
I sit on the edge of the bed and start to read every word, every line she wrote, and send it to me.
I’m so mad at you. You fucked up. You got scared because we could go too far, and I get that. But pushing me away, leaving me, just tells me that you never wanted me in the first place. You just needed the feeling of comfort I gave you. And I forgive you for that, but I can’t forget how you made me feel. You had a choice, and that choice wasn’t me. If you ran, you could have run with me. I would have followed you to the end of the world.
I try so hard to be there for you that I forget to be there for myself. And while my whole fucking world is falling apart, you are never there.
Do you do this to everyone, or was I just your special project? Because you broke my heart, Judas. It’s been a month, and I still miss you.
Maybe I was too much. I talk too much when I’m nervous. I care too hard when I shouldn’t. I know you didn’t die. I know you are somewhere out there.
I wish I knew how to be the kind of girl people don’t leave.
It’s 2 a.m., and I can’t sleep. You used to be my distraction. Now you’re the reason I’m awake. I can’t sleep because I see you drowning. I used to want to sleep because I dreamed about you.
I tell myself I won’t text you again. I’m bad at keeping promises to myself.
