“Really?” She slides the glasses toward us.
“Didn’t notice.” She lets her hair fall loose around her shoulders.
You two need to get a room,I sign to Nico.
You are the one who needs to get laid,he signs back.
I haven’t been with a woman for two years. Not since that night.
How could I be?My mind, my heart, and my whole body belong to her. She is the only thing on my mind when I’m in the shower, touching myself until I stop thinking about her. But she never leaves my head. Never.
I raise a brow at him and sign back.I turned my faith to God. I am fully celibate.
She is my God. The only one I ever needed.
“Wow,” he says, taking a sip of his whiskey. “A dry dick won’t wash away the sins you made.”
I laugh.
I know,I sign.
Harper turns toward me. “His heart got broken, Saint. There’s only one woman who can fix it.” She lifts the cloth in the air, hands up in surrender. “Just saying.”
“You have to forget her,” Nico says. “You can’t wait for a ghost from the past. This is your life now.”
How do you let go of someone you never wanted to let go of? How do you call someone the past when she is every thought of my present and every shape of my future?
I just nod.
In two years here, I learned that agreeing keeps the peace. It brings favors. It keeps me out of fights I can’t win. I forced myself to speak more; I learned word by word. No one knows, because I keep my words just for her.
My voice is hers, too.
I had this plan. Learn everything about her. Take her back. Keep her close until she loves me again, until she forgives me for ever leaving.
I turn toward the window and lift the glass. Night has already settled, and as I tilt my head towards my wrist, my watch reads ten.
Time to go.
It takes an hour to reach her. And tonight, I have to bring her a birthday present.
I sign to Nico and Harper.I have to go.
Nico lifts his glass like he already knows. I raise a hand to the men in the bar and step outside toward my bike.
My taste never changes. My blueYamaha MT-03waits in the parking of the Fallen Saints bar, alongside at least twelve other bikes. I walk up, pull on my helmet, and swing into the seat.
Over here, everything is taken or won. I won what is mine. I will win Carmen again, too.
The engine starts, and I twist the throttle, rubber sliding against dust as I pull away from the bar.
The road teaches me how to let go without breaking. Every curve shows me who I am. No one else does. Because I have no one, I left everything behind.
I push faster, stop watching the speed. The road takes what I can’t carry anymore. It gives me control over what I never had control over at all.
I noticed a gas station on the right as I sped by. I circle back. I need a small box for her present.
My little sister will be so happy when she sees it. She will finally see what happens to the boys who try to get too close.
